How do you know if you husband is a controlling jerk?

Question

i think that my husband is a little controlling. I know that he loves me and wants what is best for me. I do not want him to be a controlling jerk, or for what he is now to get worse,.
What are some of the things that a controlling husband does?

okay okay, we get along very well and he is a sweetheart, very nice good christian, but sometimes i think he is controlling

Answer 1

"Male role control works by physically, verbally, or emotionally destroying your partner's physical and emotional integrity so that she will be afraid to be herself, will control herself, and therefore be available to be controlled by YOU." Emotionally controlling behavior is implemented through verbal abuse, body language, and deprivation (withholding). These behaviors are "the way the abuser treats his partner"

Abuse is always about CONTROL. Whether it is verbal abuse, emotional abuse, or physical abuse, IT IS ABOUT CONTROLLING YOUR PARTNER, subtly or openly. Check yourself out with these controlling behaviors or words:

CONTROLLING HER TIME: The abuser controls his partner's time by making her wait. He will say he is ready to talk, but will continue doing something else while his partner waits. He will tell her he is ready to go to bed, then make her wait. If she complains of having to wait, he will blame her for "not having enough patience", "I have to wait on you too", or "Do you expect me just to drop everything!"-- thereby blaming her for HIS making her wait. This also commonly occurs when the abuser is called to a meal, family activity, or that everyone else is ready to leave. If the partner does something while waiting, the abuser will then angrily proclaim that "HE has been waiting on HER". A subtle way of controlling a partner's time is to leave most, if not all, of the work for her to do-then complaining about anything she does for herself, or what she does not get done. Other examples are procrastinating promised work (especially what she is counting on), "watching just one more program" or "playing one more game" (that goes on and on and on), refusing to give a simple and direct answer to concrete and direct questions (Are you going to do this or that. "We'll have to wait and see, I suppose, maybe, what do You think, I didn't know I was supposed to...why don't you figure it out!") The abuser may also control his partner's time by grandstanding. If she tells him she is unhappy about an incident, he will deny it happened, discount her feelings, or accuse her of trying to start a fight. He might also proclaim that "you're causing the problem by bringing it up," "no one else notices," "everyone else does, so why can't I," Diverting, countering, blocking, "forgetting," forcing her to explain, making her repeat because the abuser was not listening or paying attention, and "prove it" are also common ways to control the partner's time and energy. It is rare that an abuser will be willing to discuss or negotiate HIS plan-to do so would be giving up control. This type of control is two-fold: Control her time in some way, any way, then blame HER for it.

CONTROLLING HER MATERIAL RESOURCES: The verbal abuser may control one or all of his partner's material resources by WITHHOLDING information as well as by withholding work which he has promised to do, often by "forgetting", "I don't know how", or "I didn't know I had to". Another common practice of the abuser is to withhold needed money, then compound the abuse by forcing her to act on her own, beg, plead, or do without. He then begins blaming his withholding on her acting on her own, begging, pleading, or "trying to be a martyr." In more severe cases, the controlling abuser will keep money from his wife that is necessary for her survival and that of their family (whether it is the promised food budget money or his entire salary). He gives no thought to "spending his own money," or what his control and selfishness is doing to his wife and family who are either deprived of necessities or working desperately to support themselves while HE feels in control and free!

CONTROLLING WITH BODY LANGUAGE AND GESTURES: The verbal abuser uses body language to control his partner, just as he uses words. The words and gestures often go together. This can be seen as using HIMSELF to control his partner. Following are some hurtful and intimidating ways of controlling that are forms of withholding and abusive anger:

Sulking
Stomping out
Refusing to talk
Walking away
Refusing to give her something
Hitting or kicking something
Refusing to make eye contact
Driving recklessly
Boredom-crossed arms, eyes closed, head down, deep sighs
Withdrawing or withholding affection
Showing disgust-rolled eyes, deep sighs, inappropriate sounds
Strutting and posturing


CONTROLLING BY DEFINING HER REALITY: This form of control is very oppressive. When he tells his partner what reality is, he is playing God, he is discounting the partner's experience by defining "THE TRUTH"-which in fact is a LIE. Some examples: That's not what you said or That's not what I said or That's not what you did or That's not what I did or That's not what happened. That's not what you saw. That's not what you felt. That's not why you did it. I know you better than you know yourself!

CONTROLLING BY MAKING HER RESPONSIBLE: By telling his partner she is responsible for his behavior, this verbal abuser attempts to avoid all responsibility for his own behavior. In other words, he avoids accountability by BLAMING. Examples include:
I did it because you...
You didn't remind me.
You just don't see what I do.
Just show me how
Set a good example

CONTROLLING BY ASSIGNING STATUS: Putting her down, especially on what she does best.
Putting her up, praising or thanking her for trivial things rather than the big things she does, which demeans her talents, time, and energy, while implying she is best suited to do trivial or demeaning tasks. This category also includes statements such as: That right! You're a woman!! (said with disgust) What makes you think you can do that? I'm the leader, the boss. You're not THAT stupid. Just THINK about it. ITS THAT'S SIMPLE.

CONTROLLING BY DIMINISHING YOUR PARTNER:
Belittling
Laughing at or smirking
Offensive jokes
Mimicking your partner
Patronizing
Scornful, disdainful, contemptuous tone of voice
Ignoring, "I'm not listening to you"
Avoiding eye contact, turning away
Expecting partner to talk to you while you're watching TV, reading, game playing
Words like "Sooo" or "So what!" or "That means NOTHING to me" or "Whatever"
Bafflegabbing - talking in ways intended to mislead or baffle your partner
Insulting your partner
Making inappropriate sounds
Making inappropriate facial expressions-rolled eyes, grimaces, deep sighs
Starting a sentence then stating, "Forget it.."
Accusing her of being "controlling", "having to have the last word"

CONTROLLING behaviors such as those above are used by verbal abusers to gain feelings of power and control whenever the suppressed fear and pain in his own life start to "seep out" - terrified of not being in control, terrified of "feeling," terrified of her leaving. Do you have the courage to see yourself as others see you - as your wife and children see you? Do you have the courage to be honest with yourself? If you have seen or heard yourself in the paragraphs above RUN, don't walk to get help. Suggested are the following steps:

Read everything you can about verbal abuse-several times over.
Listen to your partner with an open, accepting mind and feel your pain without shutting down in anger or withdrawal.
Make a list of everything you've ever done that was abusive-ask your partner to review the list.
Ask your partner to remind you every time you say or do something abusive.
Become aware of the effects of verbal abuse on the partner-read about women's experiences, pain, torment, doubt, fear, loss of spirit and self, etc.
Get into a men's group (a domestic violence men's group) to help root out the controlling behaviors and anger and pain.
STOP controlling.
Start feeling your pain.

You must want to change more than you want to control. No one can make you change. But wouldn't you like to know what a REAL relationship is with your partner and your children? Don't you want to be free of the pain of your life? IT IS WORTH IT!

Answer 2

My husband and I have been married for 34 years. He has been physically, emotionally , and verbally abusive off and on over this time span, however, got counseling for the physical portion about 5 years ago and has not been physically since, but can't say he hasn't been the other. Now at one time, he was a real changed person for about 6 months, but went right back into his old patterns of whatever, the control thing sounds right. He, however, says I am controlling. He gets real mad at me for making plans sometimes without asking him then he will clam up and not want to do what has been planned. I am a real agressive person and maybe he is right, maybe I should ask him about everything before I do it. Gosh, I sometimes feel like a prisoner in my own home, I can't have people over, without asking him or anything. Am I supposed to? Am I wrong? HELP?

Answer 3

What exactly is he doing or not doing? Wanting to know a general flow of your day is not controlling. Telling you not to go anywhere ever would be. Knowing where you are for the most part isn't controlling, it's when he starts controlling that its a issue. And no, you can't go to see the Chippendale's.

To Gospel: It sounds like BOTH of you are controlling. If your having a couple friends over- its not a big deal. A bunch though, might be a little over the top. Include him i n the loop already. I know men don't listen, but if you tell him (in advance) he won't have any excuse.

To everyone else: Please stop putting ideas in her head. We don't know what's happening. If she thinks he might be controlling he probably is, but give this guy a shot that its just a few minor things that have been going on for a little while and he just doesn't know.

Answer 4

If you are not happy, if you are being held back. If he insists on checking up on you. If he has to control the checkbook. If he is "King of the Castle".

If what he is doing now is upsetting you and you are concerned that it might get worse......then something is wrong with this picture.

But think about this.
Is he a good provider?
Is he a good Father?
Does h e respect you?
Does he beat you?
Is he insanely jealous?
Is what he is doing now unbearable?

You must weight your options. You did promise "for Better or for Worse".
That was not meant to mean to put up with a "wife beater" though. And it does not mean to put up with emotional battery.

If your marriage is under two years old.....give it some time.

Possibly you just have a communication problem.

Remember......He is still the person you fell in love with, for whatever reasons. Those things are still there. Did you change, did he change.......or are you getting to know each other better?

Always try to find reasons to stay together, than to find reasons to leave. This is the key to a great marriage.

Answer 5

A controlling man has to be the final word on all decisions in the marriage, from the littlest thing to the big important ones.

He wants to be the main breadwinner and many times wants the little woman to stay at home and keep house. If she does work he wants to know everything about her job and her co-workers.

He tries to control your social life as to what friends he approves of and which ones he does not. He does not want you going anywhere without him.

This is makes for a bad relationship and the two of you should be in counseling.

Good Luck

Answer 6

You need to address this problem, it sounds like he may have issues within your relationship that are deeper than just being jealous of your mother. I mean, if this was a one time thing i would say that he was probably just cranky, but as you said it has happened before, which could point to deeper issues such as, maybe he feels that he needs more attention, or that he is putting more of himself into the relationship than you are, or even deeper resentment issues becuase he hates his job. Either way the best bet is to talk to him about it. Try to make sure that the two of you get to have some private "us" time, just to hang out or go out together, so that you can keep up your connection and make you both feel better about yourselves and your relationship.

Answer 7

Every one has different ideas on what is controlling. I really thought my father in law was controlling, but that was the era in which he lived in. Each couple has to work out their own relationship. Each person has their likes and dislikes and each person has their own personality. If you are not liking how your husband acts/talks, then you need to communicate with him. He is probable not trying to be controlling. Just talk to him.

Answer 8

Monitors your phone calls/computer
Doesn't want you to spend time alone with family/friends
Doesn't give you money for yourself
Tells you how to dress/act
Belittles you
Demands that you do things for him
Accuses you of having an affair if you speak to other men

A controlling husband will tell you he loves you & wants what's best for you but it's part of his being controlling. Pretty soon, you won't be able to make decisions for yourself, he will possess your mind as well.

Answer 9

you know your husband is a controling jerk when you go on ya and ask if your husband is a controling jerk

Answer 10

he may feel threatened by your getting ahead in life, or be jealous of friends, kids, animals, he may try to control every aspect of your life. u would definitely know if someone were controlling because u would begin to feel resentful and wonder if u had made the right choice marrying him. does he always get upset when u want to go visit family or friends? does he get mad when u are focused on other things and not him? does he complain he isn't getting what he wants? does he try to control where u go, and with whom? people who control others have no self worth and feel threatened by everything. want their way all of the time and make it difficult on u when they don't get it. controllers are also manipulators, trying to make u feel guilty over things.

Answer 11

He tells you how to think, act and what to do. He tries to bully you into doing everything his way. He gets mad when you don't. He won't let you have any money or go anywhere that he does not want you to go.