Monster-In-Law?

Question

Ugh! I am about to pull my hair out! Me and my mother-in-law do not get along. We used to when me and my husband were jsut dating but once we got married man its been fight after fight and after the latest one (3 months ago) we havent spoken to each other. I apologized over e-mail because it bothered my husband we were fighting and it took her 1 month and 1/2 later to finally apologize to me and isnt there a such thing as its to late. I cannot accept it because it doesnt mean anything to me now?? After I apologized to her she called my husband and told him SHE had said sorry FIRST and I was the one who ignored her. She lies and maniuplates him like that all the time. I want nothing to do with her. Me and my husband are TTC #1 but I do not want her to be apart of my chilren's life and my husband wnats her to be. Now me and my husband are starting to fight and I do not want her to come between us! My question is do I have to be the bigger person and end this WAR WORLD III between us?

I found some e-mails from her to my husband and she was bad mouthing my mom and if she cannot respect me or my family why should I show her any respect?

Shouldn't my husband stick up for me no matter what? Why is he starting to fight with me but not with her. He said she is willing to end this now but I am draggin it out but thats because she lies and after she finally apologized to me it was worthless to me is that so childish?

Did I mention he was her only child and when we got married there may have been some issues there for her but why should I have to sacarfice my happy being just so she can get over her issues

I havent seen her in 3 months though and if I go over to her house wont that be admitting I was wrong and she won? On Thanksgiving I have to go over to his grandparents house and she will be there that will be the first time I will see her do I ignore her? I know it is immature but the way I see it she was immature lying to her son and taking a over a month to apologize
Oh and also she posted blogs about me and about how childish I was being since she apologized and all her church friends and ppl that know my husband think bad things about me and I made him tell her to take it off but she hasnt apologized for that and she still says she saw nothing wrong with writing her opions!

Answer 1

Honey your husband's family must be related to My husband's family. They are nucking futs!!!! I have been accused of attempted murder, had a gun pulled on me, accused of cheating with his fat crackhead uncles and the list goes on. I have learned the secret to success---first of all, don't bad mouth his mother or his family to him at all....because although you are probably totally right about them they are still his family and he has got to see them for the trash that they are for himself---second, pick and choose your battles, don't go to any family functions and don't make your hubby feel bad because he wants to go....let him go. And when he asks you why you don't want to go tell him you don't feel well...Why put yourself in a vulnerable position for you to be attacked by his family??? To hell with that! Thirdly, when you do see her be extra polite-smile, say hi and move on. Keep it simple. If she asks what's wrong with you ( and she will) say nothing tell her you are busy doing something. This tactic will drive her crazy because she craves attention. Think dear, every time you say anything bad about her to him you are only justifying the bad publicity she is throwing at ya. After you back up, she will become more aggressive because she loves the drama. She will began to put pressure on your hubby, when she does this, and he comes home to you about it, be extra sweet insisting that you love him and want to make him happy but that since when you are around her there is drama, that you'd rather stay on your side of the fence to keep the peace. She will still pressure him and after time after time of his coming to you and your being the bigger person he will snap at her. When this happens be careful because you still don't want to bad mouth her to him even in his anger...Look sweetie, INLAWS like that are strategists...Learn the game, know the game, play the game in a manner that will keep you ahead! Trust I know what I am talking about everything I am telling you to do I did and now my DEAR In Laws (yuck) BEG me to come around...To hell with that crap I didn't forget what they put me through! Now I have the upper hand...

Edit: I say all that to say this, if he won't be man enough to stand up for you then you have got to do what you have to do for you....

Re-Edit: Blogs?? Are u kidding me??? I would speak to her on Thanksgiving then completely ignore her. Be the woman that she can't be-be real. You know that you two don't get along so don't be phony---> Be cordial and polite but leave it at that. Don't go to her house---> choose your battles. Trust me she is trying to rally folks to be on her side and the more that you completely ignore her the more desparate she is going to get to prove that you are a monster when she is a monster...I know what I am talking about---I use to get sick the week before having to see my inlaws now I don't care. I would get headaches, me and my hubby would fight the entire week until after the event was over, and I would have stomach problems...Then it dawned on me, why should I let those bastards ruin my marriage? Why should I let them control my nerves? To hell with that! Get a backbone!

And her opinion is just that--->my ma use to say that they are like a**holes, everyone has one! Also, if those people believe her without knowing the real story then to hell with them. My hubby has a brother that was married to my ma's friend. When I began dating him they told me all these hateful things about her...Well I ran into her one day and was upset with them and told her everything that they said about her...Guess what? The same thing they were doing to me, they did to her! She really helped me get through the mess and to prove how petty dumb and ignorant they were, his brother is still in love with her and will take her back in a heartbeat! How do I know? His brother told me...food for thought!

Answer 2

Shana T is right. I would not keep her from the kids unless she bad mouths you to them. Then I would put my foot down and the husband would have to get over. My mother in law is the same way. She has been told my both of us that her behavior will not be tolerated and if she cannot behave she can stay home and so will we. Do not be alone with her. I would not email her or talk to her on the phone either. I would tell your husband that she is the one lying and that he should believe you. You can end the war but do not let her walk on you and treat you how you do not want to be treated. She will stop eventually when she knows that you are not going to take it.

Answer 3

She is your elder so biting your tongue may be necessary at times. Your husband needs to quit being such a mama's boy and stick up for his wife. Until you have good reason you can't keep the kids from her. If she bad mouths anyone to your kids or in ear shot of them that would be good reason. Always remain calm when around her and start documenting all that you can. You should always be the bigger person--little eyes are watching even when we don't think so.

Answer 4

My heart goes out to you for having to deal with someone that is causing conflict between you and your husband, But always remember this she is the woman who gave birth to your husband and he will never go against his mom for you.

When you married your husband you got the mother to and that's something you will learn how to deal with, I think it would be best if you became the better person to let her know that you are not as immature as she is. This way the kids can still have their grandmother in their life. End this drammer so that you and your husband can go on with your own life together.

best of luck

Answer 5

Sorry about your Monster In Law. My wife also has one. Sometimes we are stuck in the middle of a war we don't want to chose sides with.

For the most part, I tell my wife that she is right and that she should just ignore her mother inlaw.
As for wanting his mother to be part of the grand kids. that is great. letting him take the kids over, let him spend time with his parents. See how he likes it.

I know how hard it is, and to tell you the truth, the least amount of time I can spend with my mother is the most that I can do.

Try to ignore your mother in law is my best advice. If she is setting you up all the time and making you look bad all the time, then don't give her a chance. just stay out of the line of fire.

Don't get into arguments with your spouse about your mother in law cause he will feel that he needs to stand up for her. And when she talks bad about you, he should stand up for you.

But if you are always on his case about his mother, you only make trouble for you and your family. after a while it just gets old and we just ignore you anyways which makes you more upset and start yelling more.

if you want a happy life, you will need to get over the petty things that she does to you. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and it is true.

find a friend you can let your anger out with. talk to someone other than your spouse. buy a gun and go target shooting or take a bat and go to the batting cage. pick up golf and hit the balls around. do something to get your anger out. But whatever you do, don't take your anger out on your spouse or you may just endup breaking up. (I've thought about it sometimes.)
Don't say things in anger cause once you say them they can not be taken back even if you or she forgives you. Women seldom forget. so for the sake of your marriage, just suck it up and drive on.

good luck.

But I do know how you feel.

Answer 6

you need to be the bigger person if shes not willing to be.. if you want you and your husband to get along about this one of you have to drop this fighting.. when she says or does something just turn the other cheek and when she sees shes not getting a response from you she will quit and give into it.. what ever she says just let it roll off your back and dont give into it.. not responding will get her more then fighting back and forth.. be the hero in this and your hubby will see you are and then he can deal with his mother in getting her to stop that bs going on. good luck

Answer 7

To keep a happy marriage you must be the one who backs down first and makes ammends. But, get the three of you together and make your apologies and appeals for forgiveness in front of your husband. He will know you tried and she will put on a show of forgiveness in front of him. Then make all your visits with her jointly with him and never alone. As for your family, don't worry about what she says because you and your husband know how good your family is.

Good Luck

Answer 8

Hey my husband is on the way home from taking my MIL back to cali after she was visiting and freaked out wanting to go home early cuz she missed her insane boyfriend and thought she would lose him or control of him and I accidentally started discussing when and how to get her down there in front of her and hurt her feelings. She said she couldn’t stand making us fight over her so she was going to a hotel for the night and never mind she would get a ride and I hurt her, I crossed the line.........whatever the heck that means...........and so off to the hotel he took her, took his stuff too and said he did not know what he was going to do. He stayed there and gave her a ride to cali, 4 days later he is coming back because he misses me and will forgive me for hurting his mommy. OMG..........I am out of my mind trying to decide if I want to be the wife of someone who runs away and flips when his mom does and does not value me. His mother still blames me for everything and has only been the kindest, telling him he should be with me even though I really really hurt her, that she will forgive me for him and that she thought we were better friends than that but he still should be with me even if I don’t love her...................she is nuts..........those were the words and thoughts coming from her... she got her way and she rubs it in on messenger now............Glad she lives far enough away that we don’t visit like we did before......one more visit from that psycho and it is off to divorce court for sure, if this one doesn’t end there after her tirades and crap........I told my son to not get married because I do not ever want to be a MIL, not ever............

I feel for ya for sure.........................

Answer 9

You can be civil, however; guarded. Tell your spoiled husband that his momma needs to cut the umbilical cord already. Most women like this do not have a life and need to get a life. You have to find peace and sanity for yourself don't let her irritate you and if she does don't let her know because she will continue to do so. Best to you.

Answer 10

aaahhh a mommys boy... you took her baby from her no wonder she doesnt like you. Sounds just like my x husband and his family. OMG girl i feel for ya. What to do? keep your mouth shut and go on with your life. There is no sence in fighting with his mother... no matter what she does she will always be right in his eyes.

Answer 11

One of these days you will be the monster-in-law. We all are dear. You are a grown woman with children and what seems like a good man. Make peace at all cost. Be the bigger person. When a woman takes a son from their mother it hurts and we as mothers blow every thing out of proportion please be patient and it will be worth it