Married 12 years, 3 kids, considering divorce...?

Question

I have instigated counseling 5 times...he hates it. I have tried everything under the sun to make this work. I have been nice, mean, easy, strict, sweet, bitchy...you name it I tried it. He is lazy, self centered...he won't help around the house (he feels his 40 hours a week is contrubution enough...he does minimal chores), he refused to take the dogs for a walk, he doesn't help maintain the house, he is grumpy and cranky to the kids...and I am at my wits end. I have talked until I am blue in the face and it always ends up in a fight. I am tired of fighting and wonder if I should just end it. He is currently on day 2 of not speaking to me because he wanted to watch porn on the living room TV and I asked him if the kids were asleep three times (3 x in about 30 seconds...I was asleep when he put it in and I woke to find him watching it) he said I "ruined it for him". I am tired of fighting and have been thinking of divorce for years...as a matter of fact...for 12 years...

During our last fight...when he once again promised to change...I swore it was the last time. My problem is that I don't want to fight anymore so I am just going through the days without telling him I would like to move out this summer with the kids and stay with my sister out of town. Should I endure the fight that might happen or just wait until closer to the end of the school year when I want to leave?

I already gave him his second chance...I am tired of living my life like this. Can anyone sympathize with me? What should I do?

I DON'T KNOW IF ANYONE IS STILL READING THIS FAR DOWN...BUT THE KIDS ARE 5,7,9...WE TAKE VACATIONS ON CREDIT CARDS...I FORGOT TO MENTION HE IS A SPENDER AND IS SPENDING ALL OF THE MONEY HE CAN...EVEN MAXING OUT THE CREDIT CARDS...I DON'T SPEND.

I WORK FULL TIME...PICK THE KIDS UP AT SCHOOL, DO HOMEWORK, COOK DINNER, CLEAN UP, AND GET EVERYONE READY FOR BED.

Answer 1

It sounds like your mind is already made up, and you are looking for someone to approve of your decision...OK, on your side that sounds like a go for it!!!...BUT...What is his side
of the story??? I would definitely say that is a BIG negative on the porno watching in the living room part !!!If he must watch that garbage, it should be in a room away from the kids....The other problems, He should be the one to fix things around the house...You could walk the dogs together, that would be nice...Do you work outside the house, or are you a Home maker? If he makes enough money to support the family, and you don't have to work outside the home, then the majority (but NOT all ) of the domestic chores should be for you........You didn't say if he is a drinker or a druggie, so I would think that is not a problem........Based on the one sided information, it would not be wise to say go ahead and divorce him............It sounds like there is something else going on that you didn't say....Is he faithful to you, and are you faithful to him??? How many kids, and how old???
Is he physically abusive to you???
There IS something good in him that you saw, because you married him, made babies together, and have been with him for 12 years...Why did you say at the end of your comment that you "have been thinking of divorce for years...as a matter of fact...for 12 years..."???? That sure sounds like something else is going on, like maybe he is not the problem, but you are??? Don't know for sure, but that DOES sound a little "fishy" to me..................My verdict would probably be to say NO Divorce !!! For the sake of your kids..
If you really love your kids, then the BEST thing you can do for them is to LOVE THEIR FATHER!!!!!!


>>>>>>>EDIT>>>>>>>I saw your additional comments that you put up later. That answers most of the questions...You said you DO work full time....In that case, he should help a lot more with the household work, Absolutely!!! ...And your kids are still young, that makes it harder...........The spending part...
Get rid of the credit cards, STOP using them for extras...who's name are they in ? If you do leave him, and your credit is bad because of joint cards with him, that will be a major problem for you !!! You will need a good credit rating
to do anything on your own...He definitely needs to control the spending, and get off his a** and help you with the chores, BUT ...as long as you are not in a violent situation, I still would say NO to the divorce !!!! You COMMITTED to each other, and that COMMITMENT should stand!!!!! All the other problems
are minor, and CAN be worked out...It won't be easy, but it CAN be done!!!!!!! STAY WITH HIM, GIRL !!!!!!

Answer 2

You should hang in there until the end of the school year but in the meantime put all the money you can aside.so that you have that. If you get a cable bill for the porn, keep that just in case you need it, and you might even write down some of the things he does to give you reason for asking for the divorce. Then , when the time comes, don't argue but just take the kids and leave.while he is at work. You have tried the counseling and it didn't work so there really is nothing more to say.
Good luck to you and I hope you find someone better next time.

Answer 3

You are a better woman than I am. I would have left a long time ago. Life is too short for you to be unhappy. You can take care of yourself, the house and the kids alone. That is what you are doing anyway so why do you need the aggravation of having him around? His 40 hours a week is not enough. Tell him to try being a husband and a father. I am assuming that you are a stay at home mom. Wouldn't you love to put in only 40 hours a week? Your job never ends so he needs to help out or get out. That is what I would do. Good luck to you.

Answer 4

There's no simple answer to this. You have tried a lot. But you do have kids and a life already set up. Did you ever try taking a vacation with just him? Even if it's up to the mountains, or sending the kids to the grandparents for the weekend. Try to relight the spark with him, then try to compromise with him. Let him understand you love him, but he needs to meet you in the center with the relationship. These are issues that every couple faces, it's just a matter of if you can get through the rough spot. If as a last resort you have to go to divorce, just make sure it is the right decision, and think of your kids.

Answer 5

Yeah a married man with kids who watches porn has problems.
File for divorce because THIS will let him KNOW you are serious and if he loves you and the kids at all he will make an earnest effort to change.
If not he wont try to change.
Your kids do NOT need to be exposed to porn it makes people view the opposite sex and their own gender is the WRONG way.
Also start treating him the way you did when you were dating and see if there is any changes in him while IF he agrees to counseling.

Answer 6

If you are that unhappy then you should leave sooner and not later. This has to be a very bad atmosphere to bring up your children in. They are very sensitive to feelings and must realize how unhappy you are and that it is their father making you that way.

Would it not be better to get them somewhere that they can be peaceful and see their mom happy again? It is better to come from a broken home than to live in one.

Don't endure another round of fighting, just pack up your things and tell him you are leaving and there is no discussion. Have the kids already gone so they don't have to witness it.

Good Luck

Answer 7

Sadly, you made a big mistake when you married him. But, what would be a bigger mistake would be getting a divorce. If you got a divorce, he would have complete control over what the children do/see during his visitation. This means he can watch porn with them, can introduce thm to scum, can leave them home alone......
It is better and safer for the kids if you stay with him so you can keep an eye on the kids.
After the kids are out of the house or turn 18, get a divorce! But until then, you owe it to your kids to stay.

Answer 8

From what you say here, I would say yes to divorce, or atleast a seperation.
My parents divorced when I was little and my brother and I have always considered it to be one of the best things they ever did for us. They hated each other so much by the end of their marriage it was a horrible environment, and you don't want your kids growing up in that.
But at the same time, there may be more to your situation than I know. So you need to go with what is best for you and for your kids.

Answer 9

well i am only 13, i haven't experienced marriage yet lol! But I personally think you SHOULD end it! If your husband is WATCHING PORN while your asleep, imagine what he could be doing while your at work! And ask your kids what their opinions are. If i was your kid, I would want whats best for you. And I personally think that there is a better guy out there for you! One that will help make life a lot easier! Because if your talking to him until "your face is blue"........ then that doesn't sound like a true husband. good luck =]

Answer 10

It seems as if you are a single parent already from what you do. I agree with Libby though, he will have visitation and you won't know what is going on with your children in the house. I have to contend with an ***hole x who left my 8 year old alone in a car in the dark parking lot. It just kills me. He does other things too like take is girlfriend Miss Wrinkles on vacation with the children and stayed in a one bedroom condo btw was our timeshare. GOOD LUCK IN YOUR DECISION>