Women what do you do when you're expected to maintain emotional independence in a relationship?

Question

I know having one's own activities ect are good---but what else have women found useful?

Object of it's Ire: I'm talking about a void of emotional intimatcy , that's what I'm calling emotional independence.

Lioness: Thank you so much! Not only for a very helpful answer but for also understanding the question! I've spent all day trying to word this question and was starting to think I'd failed.

Lioness: Gladly

Katiana: I really like your answer too!

Lioness: I think for some people it's easier to attack the idea of emotional neediness than to face the truth.

Answer 1

Relationships require a delicate balancing act of independence and interdependence.

To maintain independence, never give up those things that make you who you are.
Always find time to spend with your friends.
Keep your hobbies.
Find time to be alone from time to time.
Maintain any religious observances you hold dear.

Interdependence requires trust in your partner.
Make time to spend together just doing nothing.
Tell him something very intimate about yourself.
Discover new activities you both enjoy.
Maintain a "couple" secret.
Share friends.
Give him a pet name and don't share it with his friends.

Answer 2

So far I have never met a man (when I was single) that wanted emotional independence.
By the time they had secured my attentions they wanted as much emotion as they could get from me!!
I have a way of staying out side of emotional entanglement until ready to be in a more serious relationship.

My mother often said that if you keep your emotions your own when single you will have lots of choices I was proposed by over 50+ men (only 3 of which I took seriously) and all of them wanted a very deep emotional attachment.
There is an old saying that some woman you marry others you date. I would imagine that if you were in a relationship that was to keep emotional boundaries that it was not serious to that person and not going to go anywhere.
Also if you think about it would you want to be 60 years old and still emotionally independent?? To me that is why we want to be married to have someone share everything with us, our joys, sorrows, and moments not to be forgotten.
To be emotionally invested in someone is what makes a relationship strong.

Answer 3

I don't know how to precisely define 'emotional independence' in a relationship (as I think we both would feel love towards each other either way) but independence in a relationship (generally) for me, includes the following:

- Social life outside of the relationship, in other words, other friends besides my partner whom I interact with.
- Hobbies. I have quite a list of artistic and nature-oriented hobbies that keep me busy when I'm not working, doing things around the house, taking care of my pets, relaxing and of course, spending time with partner (hypothetically).
- I enjoy experimenting and trying new things, so this would be categorised under the above mentioned, I like to try different kinds of foods, listen to live music, go to artistic events/galleries/fairs, theatre, book stores, culture-oriented markets (ethnic food, artesanies, devices, and others), etc.
- Sometimes, I will attend an educational workshop, depends on the specific interest.
- I like to roadtrip a few times a year, it's a great way to know more about my surroundings and the country itself, meet interesting people, have fun and memorable adventures and connect with nature.
- And so on...

Good question.

Edit: Lioness, you've described it fairly well, I now have a better understanding of the term. To me, independence meant just that, covering both the internal and external simultaneously, I didn't think that there were different forms of independence in a relationship. Thank you for the insight. :-)

Wow, today has been a day of deep thinking for me, such great questions and answers.

Edit: Thank you love! I'm just loving these questions and answers today, they're making me laugh my as* off or pondering on what I think I know, hehe. Again, great question Hala.

Answer 4

Not sure If I can identify with what you mean, but... if you're saying like above "Object of it's Ire: I'm talking about a void of emotional intimatcy , that's what I'm calling emotional independence.", then I think you're missing the point. Your emotions are your own, but need to be understood and safe in expressing them. This is what I call "Emotional INTERdependance". Dependant on each other for the safty and trust to express them.
The void of dependance intones that there is a wall of seperation in your heart, or his, from each other. If that is the case, then I don't think a relationship can go to the heights or depths that need to be traversed in order to be completely vulnerable to each other. It's either win/win or win/lose. I won't get involved in the latter if I see the void that you're mentioning it.... if I'm reading things right.

Answer 5

What is "emotional independence", according to you? This term can't be found in the social sciences literature.

edit:
"a void of emotional intimatcy'...
Well then, it's a non-relationship isn't it? In order for there to be an emotional connection, the parties must have feelings for one another. No feelings, no emotional bond... Unrequited love does not a relationship make: it requires the emotional investment of BOTH parties to make the relationship - real.

No substance, a facade...fake...Anyone who expects you to "maintain emotional independence in a relationship" - really doesn't care about the relationship as evidenced by the fact that they are unwilling (or unable) to invest in it.

Drop him and move on. He's a time-waster.

Answer 6

To me, emotional independence means resisting the need to over-identify or become co-dependent with your partner. Not losing yourself- your identity- which can easily happen when you make someone else's happiness your complete responsibility. Some people "live solely for" the needs and desires of their partner- if he/she isn't happy, then neither are you. They side-step their own wants, needs and desires- sacrificing them, ignoring them, and focus completely on someone else's happiness and well-being. It's not healthy. A healthy relationship should be a two-way street. Both people should respect each other enough to be considerate of each other, but also at the same time not deny their own feelings or needs. Emotional independence is being able to recognize what you want and need, and having the inner strength, ability, and coping skills to look after those needs. It is understanding that you really need to be your own best friend sometimes. It would be ideal if your partner supports you in this- and isn't demanding of all of your energy, time, and resources. If he/she is this demanding, it is draining. You need to have something left for YOU. Save some of your strength for yourself. It is not selfish to do this. It is healthy for both. Respect each other's need for space. Don't be afraid of it. You're more likely to drift apart when you insist on being joined at the hip- it's ironic, but it's true. A little bit of space is something we really need sometimes, but many are afraid to let their partners have this. They feel insecure about it. They fear it will lead them away instead of bringing you closer together. But when we don't give each other that space, we forget who we are after awhile. We stop growing as individuals. We have less to share with someone else, instead of more. We smother ourselves, and we smother them...and this cannot bring happy consequences in the long run.

I agree with Suspect Zero: a better term for this would be emotional interdependence. The ability to operate independently, but the ability to ask for and reach out for support when needed. It is something both people in a relationship together should feel comfortable being able to do with one another. It's a sign of a healthy relationship.

Answer 7

When I was in love with a guy friend in ninth grade, I found myself constantly seeking validation from my interactions with him. If there was a breakdown between us to any degree (as in, if he'd partner up with someone else in phys ed), I'd overreact to exorbitant degrees. In retrospect, that was the most emotionally dependent I've ever been. Now if a guy I like isn't completely into me, I'll stew about it for a minute or two and forget it.

Answer 8

To me "emotional independence" and "being in a relationship" are totally contradictory terms. If I am in a relationship (rapport, bond) it means emotionally connected.

Answer 9

You take personal responsibility for this.

Answer 10

Hala, Your emotions are yours; no one can own them, even if they think they can, even if you think they can, your emotions are yours and only yours.