When to forgive, and when to move on. And where to get help?

Question

I am in my late twenties and have had a 4 troubled year relationship with an amazing girl five years younger than I. She suffers from a terrible abusive past, with many unresolved issues stemming from her father's prolonged sexual abuse. She eventually put him in prision for this, and has done much to put her life together. She is extremely bright, as she is putting herself through college (majoring in engineering and mathematics), and a very kind and loving person. Still, she has a lot of trouble with jealousy, self-worth, and self abuse. We have now been apart for some months, each of us dating other people. Despite our problems, our love for each other brings us back together again and again. I learned that the slept with a "friend" of mine that even lived in my home for some time. In my extreme anger, I told each of their signifigant others about how they had cheated on them, sabotaging their relationships. Any thoughts/suggestions? I can't seem to stop loving her.

Answer 1

Well, while I don't condone cheating, 2 wrongs never make it right and you just caused pain to 2 more people who hadn't done anything to you.

She has some serious issues in her past that neither you or anyone else, besides a professional, can help her sort through, deal with it and create a better, healthier person. She must want to do it.

In the meantime, she probably didn't appreciate what you did even though she cheated, you may have to face some hard truths. She cheated on you once, if she doesn't resolve any of it, she can possibly do it again.

It's up to you, but you can't save her or fix her.

Answer 2

She will never lead a normal life and will always be destructive in things she does. If that is the kind of life you want then by all means keep going back with her. There is no taking care of this girl,she won't allow it. OK so she is bright and loving so you say,some how loving does fit. She needs to heal and it sound to me like she hasn't.
I have been sexually abused by a family member from the age of 5 to 12 so i know what she is going through. I was married 3 times by the age of 27 it took a strong man to help me get through all the hard times. Trust was the big issue with me,the trust of men still doesn't exist with me and I'm sure with her to.
What you did by sabotaging her relationship was a big mistake on your part and wasn't a act of love.I don't think she will ever forgive you for that.

Answer 3

She needs counseling and she needs GOD to help her get over her past.
GOD can help her change the way she thinks about herself and also learn to love unselfishly, so not to be insanely jealous.
I gave the jealousy thing up yrs ago because if the person wants someone other than me, then I will let them go, although it hurts.I realize I cannot make anyone love me.
I have a great wife been married 5 1/2 yrs.
If she doesnt go for counseling and GOD then hurt heal and move on because she will never get over it, if her past is the center of her universe and her identity as the victim.

Answer 4

I believe that if you feel like this is the women of your life you will know it in your heart and soul. You will have this undying feeling of love for her. So what she has had problems in her past you can't blame her for her insecurities in life. If she loves you and you love her that alone will heal her, make her love you more. With her sleeping with one of your friends that is wrong of her to do that...now if you say that she loves you so much why would she do something like that to you. It would be different if you weren't together. I think that you were just angry when you told the significant others. Sometimes we all do that, then we regret it and learn. We all make mistakes in life..if you love her and she loves you don't let something that special go!!!Wish you the best of luck!!!

Answer 5

She has a lot going on and she won't be able to have a healthy relationship until she deals with all this stuff.

Sleeping with your friend is just one example of her problems.

She needs to run to a therapist because being abused by her father is something she needs to deal with before it destroys her.

I would back off for awhile until she gets help.

Answer 6

honestly this is not something that you are going to be able to just simply work through. the fact that her father abused her the way he did, she is going to need to talk to a professional because from the sound of things, she is not dealing with this herself. you need to understand that until she deals with this there is no place for anyone in her life not even you. she's going to carry the same issues into any relationship she enters until she deals with this head on and fully understand whats going on in her head and heart. good luck and continue to be a friend to her, she's going to need that!

Answer 7

She has baggage with her past and this will never go away. She may learn to deal with those issues with therapy. You say that your love for each other keeps bringing you together. I say if she really loved you she would not of cheated. I say you like her being damaged cause you want to save her. You can't......

Answer 8

you will experience plenty greater constructive once you forgive them. Who desires each and all of the negativity of harm and anger. it is going to in basic terms make you sick on the interior. permit it circulate. perchance communicate with a counselor of a few type and ask them that may be useful you attain a element the place you may forgive the wear your pals led to. i might wish in the event that they have harm you that badly you're actually not any greater nonetheless friends with them and which you have stumbled on new human beings to call friends.

Answer 9

Here is my advice based on my experience. If your significant other has brought you closer to God and you have done the same for them, then it is a good sign that you are better together. If the relationship has brought you further from God then it is not meant to be.