What do you think of this poem? I've been re-working some oldies of mine.?

Question

Withered Rose


The pain cuts so deeply
I can’t hold on to what was
the beauty is gone,
my heart is hard and cold;
steeled against the pain.

The wanting is gone too
all I feel is numbness,
abandoned and alone;
I have finally quit hoping
for him to reach out.

I am exhausted;
weary of trying, and
something in me is dying.
Is this what love is?
being alone,
no one but me
to hear the sorry sound
of my crushed
and breaking heart.

Once I was young;
love was a blossom
like a fresh, new rose.
But oh innocence,
where now is your bloom.
When did it fade and wither,
plucked from love’s vine.

With hands so gentle
I thought he cared,
he severed me;
left me in a vase
where I died,
s-l-o-w-l-y,
bits of death
each day,
till finally . . .
I was at my end.

If only,
instead of seizing
youth and beauty,
he had stayed
and nourished the rose.

Is this a poem or prose? not sure

maybe I should drop line 5 altogether

Answer 1

First I want to say, don't take out line five, it's fine; it works. One of the main things in poetry is to say the things that others have said in a new way; to make it your own. Next I want to say that the last stanza is beautiful and should not be changed. I like the way you have "slowly" in stanza five, the emphasis in that is great. Maybe take out the second line in that stanza, "I thought he cared," it seems to flow and sound better. In the third stanza maybe take out the line "being alone," again it flows and sounds better. In the second stanza, maybe take out the word "too" from the first line and the word "finally" from the fourth line. And lastly, maybe try to word the second line of that stanza a little differently. Possibly something like "Numbness surrounds," or "numbness invades." Remember that these are only suggestions, it is your poem, do what you want to with it.

Your poem is very good and has a lot of potential.

Answer 2

It most certainly clearly tells a love story lost, in depth of heart.

Line five, "steeled against the pain." Does make sence to me
"my heart is hard and cold" as steel would be, strong barrier
for strength, as well as bitter, yet with memories it softens to
regret. Very human and touching. thanks for sharing.

Answer 3

This poem is extremely very reliable... it captures that short little bit of autumn that often slips into wintry climate too right away. large decision of words and the fast strains make each and every thing pass together relatively rapid yet nicely. reliable activity. =)

Answer 4

that is sooooo beautiful! i can't believe you wrote it yourself. The only part that doesn't make sense is line five. other than that it is totally awesome!

Answer 5

I like it! People on Y!A are amazing poem writers!

Answer 6

wow your poem is soooo beautiful!!!!

i don't think you should change a bit of it!!!!

i love the anology of the rose in a vase that you uused!!!

brilliant!!!

wish i could write as beautifully!!!

hey, can you please help me!!!

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Ap0KqxzglpXoshfnEXpJwvrsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20071110205040AAMKrKc

cheers!!!