Infidelity - spontaneous vs premeditated - is there a difference?

Question

Hi

wondering what people think of infidelity in marriage when the incident was premeditated and planned, as opposed to a heat of the moment lost control thing

if it is premeditated ie talked about in advance between say the husband and the other woman, do you think that makes a difference in terms of:
1) what it says about his marriage?
2) whether it will likely happen again?
3) feelings involved etc?

i guess i believe that planned infidelity is worse as there is more opportunity for the married person to take stock and let their conscience intervene, but i am keen to hear others' opinions

Answer 1

To me, infidelity isn't a murder case (premeditated or spontaneous), it's plain wrong regardless if it was thought out or "just happened".
I think if a cheater premeditates it, meaning has been having an affair or talking it out, he/she put a lot of thought into exactly what they want to do behind their spouses back.
I think if infidelity occurs spontaneously, no they weren't thinking about it before and it wasn't planned out but it happened and it shouldn't have... therefore it can happen again in either case and there could be feelings involved or no strings attached; regardless it is wrong and it's not acceptable to me.

Answer 2

My personal feelings about cheating - if it's premeditated - there is obviously someting amiss in the marriage to begin with. Marriages can only survive if you have Respect, Trust and Communication. Communication is the key. My husband and I have been married for 15 years. Before I met him - he was a virtual "ladies man" - having slept with at least 200 women. But, when you find the right person - your soulmate - cheating should not even come into the foreground to begin with. I don't believe that "things just happen" or that men "slip up" - there is always a choice. Weather it's premeditated or not. Then again - mistakes can happen and if it was a one time thing where it wasn't planned, then I believe that it should be an issue to discuss and get through if the marriage is worth saving. Anyone that actually PLANS to have an affair - that is a more serious issue, and forgiveness is not easily given. Premeditated says that the two people have already bonded mentally - and weather they have had sex or not - they are still having a "mental affair" and that in itself is still wrong. I don't know if this helped or not - but the best thing to do is figure out if your marriage is worth saving - how long were these two people involved with each other, and is this something that you would ever be able to get past and feel trust towards your husband again. Personally, if this happened to me - either way - weather it was spontaneous or premeditated, I don't think I could get past it. And I would really be inclined to cut of his "thing" :-)

Answer 3

the main difference is that if it is premeditated he is someone who will cheat on a spouse and can never be trusted again without a major change or priorities and a lot of counseling, and possibly the marriage was for him a conquest rather than an attempt to build a good life together. He may not even feel regret at the pain he has caused his spouse.
Spontaneous though can be either that there is something wrong in the marriage and talking can resolve that and perhaps save the marriage if he spontaneously gets into a cheating relationship without really thinking about it first, or it can mean that he couldn't resist the temptation that some other woman put in his path. counseling can help in the spontaneous cheating perhaps and although feelings can be hurt love can recover if it is strong enough. Of course, I used the word he but the word she could be used in both cases as well.

Answer 4

I dont think that it makes too big of a difference if it was a one time planned type of thing. I mean if you are in a committed relationship then you shouldn't put yourself in that situation where you could "lose control" and something would then happen. The worst would have to be a long term infidelity. If the man made plans more than once to cheat it says he isn't a good enough person to end his marriage before engaging in such behavior. If it isn't planned it says he has no self control. And if it happens once and he crosses the boundary then he is more likely to do it again since he was not struck down by a bolt of lightening. Most men don't equate one time sex with feelings so I don't think its about the "emotional" connection.

Answer 5

I was married for about 7 years when i had a drink with an old bf. We just met because we hadn't seen each other in awhile and I'd been thinking about him for a bit. I just wanted to try to reestablish a friendship with him because he'd always been a good friend and we ended on bad terms. We hadn't seen each other in 10+ years. The infidelity I do regret but was not planned. However looking back in hindsight one may say that since I had called him and he returned my call that I made the first move. Since I was the married one, was in a rocky, abusive marriage at that time and wanted out and needed help but wasnot sure how to reach out because my ex knew how to make sure there was no bruising left on me, that it was premeditated. One might say I was hoping for something to happen. When we met I portrayed the marriage as great. Infact, my ex was "jealous" of everything I had (2 beautiful boys, a marriage

Answer 6

I'm the spontaneous type. Most extraverts are. I try to premeditate the things I do in my life but it never works out. How about you? Are most of your questions on Yahoo! Anwers premeditated or spontaneous? lol

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Answer 7

Gosh, I guess they are both really bad. Honestly, cheating (if it is pre-meditated) seems a lot worse. It probably means it has happened before or it will happen again. Spur of the moment cheating is bad as well. Have you ever had those moments where you didn't realize you wanted something until it was right there? That's probably how I would describe that. Then again, 9 times out of 10 if you put yourself in the situation to "spur-of-the-moment cheat" then you have a good idea that something might happen.

Answer 8

Whats worse....someone who died after a lengthy illness or one that was taken unexpectedly by an accident?

Doesn't really matter either way. Unless they were raped, it was a choice.

If it was planned....seems the other person wasn't paying attention to the clues and cared enough to do something about it. I haven't seen any affair that there wasn't clues along the away. Either it was a thug who couldn't be faithful if their life depended on it...or someone not paying attention to the warning signs where it could so easily be planned right before their eyes.

Answer 9

If your spouse says "I have fallen out of love with you" don't panic. It doesn't mean your marriage is over. It doesn't even mean they don't love you. How to get your spouse to love you again https://tr.im/saveyourmarriage

What it does mean is that your spouse has lost their way, or doesn't understand the many stages love and a relationship goes through.

You are being called to take charge of the situation, guide your spouse towards understanding this process, and even begin to rekindle your relationship.

The key to success is in understanding what is happening in your marriage and the role that love plays. It's very easy for us to connect losing the feelings of being in love with actual loving when it is not really the case.

Answer 10

I get what you mean about unplanned versus premeditated, but any infidelity to me means loss of trust. Lost of trust means end of the marriage. If I could not trust my spouse, why bother.