As a child, I was abused by my Father and when I was 12 my first boyfriend took advantage of me. I thought I was over it after counseling and because I got over my depression and stopped hating guys and started dating. I was happy because i felt like I had gotten victory over this. But now whenever I get intimate with my husband, I freak out. I feel like I'm just a machine made for his pleasure and I can't get into it every time. I feel such a range of emotions and it confuses me. I desire him but when he touches me I get scared. Sometimes I see the people who've hurt me and hear them in my head. It's as if My marriage opened up a wound that I felt was healed and now It came back twice as effective.
Does anyone have any advice for me. My husband is so supportive of me and says he'll always love me but i can't help but fear one day he'll get fed up. and if that's the case, maybe i wasn't made for marriage.
Thank you all.
2007-11-10 09:54:23 · 17 answers · asked by YeshuasEvenstar 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Not to oversimplify, but you freak out because the
level of trust that you should have with him...is not
there. You did not successfully resolve the issues in your past. Now you are married to a
person that you FEAR. You fear him abusing you,
and you fear him leaving you.
You're basically cheating on your husband...with
your FEAR. The fear is all over you, and is inter-
rupting and interfering in your relationship with your
man.
Let your fear go. Pray over the situation. See a
priest or pastor and, please talk to your husband.
He loves you, baggage and all. He gave you ***-
urances that he'll always love you. Don't repay that
love with fear. Get a handle on your issues
completely, then enjoy your marriage.
And choose to TRUST your man.
It's up to you.
2007-11-10 11:10:57 · answer #1 · answered by joseph t 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Being abused from such a young age has created wounds so deep that its not easy to heal. Maybe you need to get into counselling again because the healing you did before was only half done. You have a lot more healing to do. You have a wonderful supportive husband, so the quicker you get into counselling again, the sooner you will be able to enjoy intimacy with your husband. Sexual abuse is not something that heals quickly. Your father created some wounds that will be very hard to heal. You will probably always have wounds about that part of your life. You need to accept it as hard as it is. You can find a way to put that part of your life in a different part of your head and put your marriage in another part of your head. Counselling now would probably help because you are now in a different phase of your life....which was not the case when you went to counselling before. Don't beat yourself up over it, you cannot help how you are feeling right now. Your past does play an enormous part in your future. Thats why I suggest you get back into counselling again. If you want to talk, please email me, I have a good ear. Take care.
2007-11-10 10:05:34 · answer #2 · answered by rightio 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I wish I could help you because I've known so many women like you in your position, and their husbands who have been placed in that position. I've never known any of them to get better once they are in a married relationship (all those marriages ended in divorce eventually), but have known a few who have gotten better when they've worked through it with their soon-to-be husbands before marrying.
I don't see why this problem wasn't ever addressed before you married (or with those other women I've known), which is something I'd like to know. All of the women I mentioned who got married first were never intimated or much before their marriage to their husbands. This seems odd because if you had a problem with intimacy it would seem you'd want to make certain you were indeed over it before committing to another. This is basically what drove their marriages apart, not the lack of intimacy itself but the sense of betrayal their husbands felt, that such a large issue was kept hidden from them that would eventually affect and continue to affect their marriage.
You can try counseling again. I hope that works.
2007-11-10 10:09:21 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Over time you will learn to trust your husband - you are married now, you made vows, and marriage and sex in marriage is a good thing. Many people have fears about intimacy, even those who were not abused. Most importantly continue to be honest with your husband. Go very slowly, and trust your husband to be patient. Try touching and pleasuring him rather than him touching you. Start from there.
Also, you should read the book Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. It is fiction, but very inciteful and a beautiful, healing story.
2007-11-10 10:00:43 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Remember that he loves you. You two should go to counseling together! Its difficult to over come past abuse and just like those things can't be undone you will never be completely "over it". There are most likely triggers that cause you to go back to those events. You can't do it alone and you do need his help. And yes you are right eventually he will get fed up, but only IF you do nothing about the problem. You seem like you want to work through it, so I know you two will be fine. Make sure that you do other things to show him that you care and and appreciate him, since most men equate that with sex.
Good Luck!
2007-11-10 10:06:40 · answer #5 · answered by The thinker 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to take one day at a time, if your husband says he'll be there then he will, don't think about the one day that he may or may not get fed up, think about that day will never come because you will fight this, and you will win. what you went through is horrible, but you can't change the past you can only hope the best for the future. Try to remember that those other men were mentally ill. Good Luck
2007-11-10 10:03:45 · answer #6 · answered by angel 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Not to worry, I was in the same situation it took me about 2 years of being with my boyfriend now husband to get comfortable with him. I didn't stop having sex with him but he knew that i was over that because i had changed and started opening up to him like a normal person would. Just give it time for some it takes longer than others. Have faith and just love as hard as you can.
2007-11-10 09:58:15 · answer #7 · answered by SiCnGaged 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should find a sexual therapist willing to see you both as a couple, he or she should have prior experience in dealing with childhood abuse issues. Make certain the therapist is also a board-certified psychiatrist. A husband and wife team of same would be nearly ideal. The therapist should also recommend you to a different counselor to deal with the post-traumatic stress and memories.
Be patient... but get to work.
Good Luck,
The Eternal Squire
2007-11-10 10:12:05 · answer #8 · answered by The Eternal Squire 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Think about it this way. You obviously trust the man you married or you would not have married him. You didn't marry your first boyfriend, your father, nor anyone who in your past abused you. If your husband had even thought about you being a machine, he would not have married you, he would have just gotten himself a girlfriend. It seems that you may need some more counseling, individual and marriage, for yourselves.
2007-11-10 10:24:43 · answer #9 · answered by IDoToo 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What about going to counseling again? It sounds like to helped before. Your past will always haunt you, but maybe if you got counseling again on this, it can help you through it and you can be intimate with your husband without feeling the way you do. Your husband seems understanding, and im sure he will do anything to help you get through this.
Its not that you are not made for marriage, you are just having problems with intimacy because of your past. Im sorry that you ave to go through this, and hopefully one day you will get through it and be able to be comfortable with being intimate with your husband.
2007-11-10 10:00:40 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋