Married, but have started seeing someone...no idea what im doing.?

Question

Been married for 3 years now. Great girl and i love her very much...but she suffers from depression and she sleeps alot. We also dont have as much in common as we thought.
Ive recently (and i know im a dirtball :( but ive started seeing someone. We have been physical, and we love being together and have a lot in common.
I just dont know what to do....im a very visible person in my community and we have lots of close friends. In other words i would have to quit my job and we would have to move if i did something drastic. I dont want to....but i also am not sure i can go without seeing this person. Its not some puppy love or phase, or lust. We genuinely have a great connection together.

Whoa whoa whoa. At no point am i giving myself the "green light" because of the depression and i have gone to great lengths to help her with it. And i know its horrible, and im not ok with it either....just not sure what to do about it. Im not going home every night going "Oh man i got it going on, what a great deal this is".

Dont get me wrong i appreciate the advice. Jsut some of you are taking liberties in the brief story and really running with it. Im not perfect, but i dont treat her badly at all. I take care of her and basically do the work in our reltaionship and in the house. Aside from...this...she gets treated extremely well.
I didnt claim me and the other person had something unique...it is what it is.

And im fully aware everyone responding is a perfect person and never done anything morally wrong(eye roll) and fully aware its bad and would love to be a better person....just not sure what to do at this point.

Answer 1

you say "you have no idea what you're doing" - yes you do, do't try to defend your actions with confusion - you know better, wake up. It sounds like you are very selfish. You have a couple options...

either cut it off and work on your relationship with your wife - but as you say you don't know if you can because you have something so "genuine". Are you really that foolish? Don't you know that others in your situation think/feel the same way? Your situation is not special.

your other option is to continue seeing her, if you do GET DIVORCED! Are you really naive enough to believe your wife and others in your community won't figure it out?

Either way, you've already done wrong...very wrong. Be a man and do the right thing - either get a divorce and try to save your "visibility" or work on it w/ your wife.
Bottom line - no sneaking around!!!!

Answer 2

Your love of your wife seems very shallow as you have decided to put trying to meet your own needs before hers. It would be best to resolve your current relationship before starting a new one.

Does your new girl friend know you're married? If she does, how good a person can she be if she's involved with someone who's already entered into a marriage commitment? If she doesn't know, you're betraying her as well as your wife.

You talk about how you've tried to help your wife with her depression. Starting another romantic relationship behind her back will be very damaging to her self esteem and her ability to trust people who say they love her. Your actions will likely make it more difficult for her to manage her depression.

You've made some serious mistakes. I believe everyone would be better off if you decide to stop seeing the new girl friend.

Pay for some professional counseling. Yahoo! answers might be an inexpensive solution, but it's a very poor substitute for such an important issue.

Answer 3

I understand what you are going through, and I think a large number of people are in similar situations. Your wife needs help, and how much effort have you put into getting her help? Does she have a desire to get help? If she did get help and was back to her normal self, would you want to be with her? You can "love" somebody, but not be "in love" with them. If you guys are losing your connection, and having little in common, is is something you want to try and fix? Get counseling for? Just because you married her, doesn't mean she is the right one for you. You still have your whole life to live, and you need to decide what you want. Can you see yourself being committed to the other woman the rest of your life, or do you get bored and would cheat on her too? Is commitment what you really want? Maybe you and your wife aren't truly meant for each other. How long have you and the other woman known each other? Lust or loneliness are not good reasons (which you mentioned), but if you know her well enough to have a true connection, then i say go for it. Do what is right and what makes you happy.

Answer 4

Wow...I do understand completely where you are coming from...If there are no children involved than you need to ask yourself a few questions.

Which are you passionate about..meaning which shares the sames interests and true passion that you have. Do they really share that passion. Which do you think about constantly and find yourself wanting to spend meaningful quality time with. Does the other woman truly care about you, your emotional state, your mental state and your physical state?
Which are you IN LOVE WITH..not which do you love...you can love many people for many reasons and love them dearly...which are you in love with.

If it's your wife then stay..If it's not your wife and you stay because of guilt or material possessions you will live miserable forever. I by no means would say leave a marriage for another woman, but I would never tell someone to stay because they feel guilt.
You may have to leave the comfort of your community for true happiness. I bet you will search your heart and come to the decision that is right.
Sometimes a fresh start is the very best thing that we can ever do.
I left a beautiful home and all of it's comforts. I left my friends in the community. I do not regret any of that I have found true happiness. I do not have anyone yelling at me or treating me like s**t! It is wonderful and guess what I still have those friends they all still come around. My life only got better.

Answer 5

back off from her......if you value your marriage and your wife you will get a hold of yourself and do the right thing.... hint hint..the right thing is to stay away from this girl.....

.why don't you try helping your wife rather than straying from her..and yes you are defending yourself by saying your wife has depression sure sounds to me like you know exactly what you are doing and you did give your self the "green light"

honestly why did you even post this Q?????? you really do not want to hear what others have to say....its quite obvious because you keep defending your actions..CHEATING is wrong no matter how " well " you treat your WIFE while your CHEATING on her....divorce her or stay with her and help her through her depression that is the "moral" thing to do.....and just a note no I haven't done anything immoral while being married I love my husband.....don't justify your behavior because of what others may or may not have done....you are being IMMORAL that is what is at Q here not others..you asked for advise and well your getting it if you didn't want any than you shouldn't have asked for it......

Answer 6

You were stupid for even starting to see this other person. If you loved your wife you would be there for her and help her through her depression instead of waltzing off with someone else because you feel there's a connection there. How much more depressed are YOU going to make your wife if she finds out about this? If you truly did love her then you would have talked to her about your feelings and tried to kindle the relationship and marriage you already started. So what if you have a great connection with this other person. You made vows to your wife. You promised to be with her until death separates you, not until you change your mind. You might have a hard time connecting with your wife but you need to. You need to snap out of it and realize that you're in the process of ruining not just your life, but the life of your wife who you supposedly love. Forget this other person and try to reconnect with your wife. Things could be a lot better right now if, instead of spending time with Ms. We Have A Connection, you spent the time with your wife and trying to reconnect with her. It can be done. You can show her that you care for her and support her. Spend time together like when you first started dating. Take her out on a date. Do something nice for her instead of yourself. Yes it takes effort, but love and relationships take work. Start working.

Answer 7

Once a liar and a cheat, always a liar and a cheat. I'm sure it didn't occur to you that your wife's depression is probably grounded in your behavior towards her(you thought she wouldn't notice?). Liars and cheats are probably the most selfish people on earth next to drunks.

I don't think you will do anything that benefits her, I think you will continue to lie and cheat until you get caught or get bored. I think you will live your life like that, treating the woman that loves you like a doormat, ripping her heart out and killing her spirit until she gets it together enough to boot you to the curb. You can do her a favor and leave her to possibly find a man who will treat her with honor and respect, but I imagine you will do whatever is easiest for you.

Oh and you won't be satisfied with the woman you are cheating with. She's the kind of person who sleeps with another woman's husband. Her lack of self respect and character will come back to bite you on the b*tt. Once a cheat and a liar, always a cheat and a liar. It goes both ways and what goes around comes around. Remember this when you are crying in your beer.

Answer 8

Don't see this other person anymore, until your sure of what you want. Think of what your doing to your wife. Sit down, figure out if you really think you want to be with this other person, and besure you really believe all is lost in your marriage. I don't know what your going through, I dont know what your wife is going through, but I do know your very wrong right now. As I said, if you really believe you want to be with this other person, you need to tell your wife, and get out of this marriage. Don't drag it out. She doesn't deserve that, and if you really care as much as you say you do, then you will understand that you need to do this a.s.a.p. If you realize that your vows, and your wife are what you want, sit down and talk to her. Get her to a doctor, maybe she can get some therapy, and meds. Then, you both need to reconnect and maybe see a counselor.

I wish you the best, and I hope you make the right descision. Beware though, if your wifes already depressed, you drag this out for too long, and she finds out............. You may be in for a lot more than what you think. As someone else said, if you decide to be with the other person, it maybe temporary happiness. You married the one your with now for a reason, and you may miss that reason when she's gone and finds someone else.

Answer 9

ur wife is going thru a bad time in her life and the 1 person who is suppose to be there for her is treating her like dirt by seeing someone else...

ya thats so not right remember ur vows sickness and in health ur a mean mean person and I hope ur wife finds out about what ur doing ...leaves u...and then finds this lil tramp shoots in her the head and uses depression to get off scott free!!

WTF ur suppose to love ur wife!!

EDIT: u wanna know what to do the right thing to do... tell ur wife and then file for divorce if its this other bimbo u want...don't make ur wife suffer for u being a a** she deserves better and u know it!!

EDIT AGAIN: U say u treat her extremely well? How can u think that when ur cheating on her? Have u ever been cheated on? Well I have and let me tell u that hurts more then anything known to man kind its the worse possible pain u can put someone u love thru...LOVE hmmmm well u obviously don't love ur wife cuz if u did... love woulda kept u at home w/ her not w/ this other girl... I'm sry ur having this problem that I might add u brought upon urself but its still not fair to do this to ur wife she's going thru enough and ur just adding to it...How would u feel if she finds this out and becuz of depression she ends up killing herself have u ever thought of that?? Can u live w/ that?? I know I couldn't!

EDIT 3RD TIME: oh honey I'm far from perfect but I can tell u this...like I said my hubby cheated on me...I had the chance staring me right in the face to cheat and u know what I didn't..did I have rights to?? YES cuz he did it to me...ur wife is innocent in ur affair and ur trying to find someone thats gonna tell u its ok...but its not ok unless she did it to u and even then its still not ok cuz 2 wrongs dont make a right, anyways do whats right... only u can decide that but plz don't keep cheating on ur wife if u want out then just get out...

Answer 10

You need to realize that maybe your WIFE is bored with YOU. What makes YOU so special? Why don't you give her a divorce and everything she needs to go on with her life without you? Or would that bother your new girl friend too much? There IS no excuse for what you are doing, you asked, so a lot of people are answering you.