Who here thinks that the never-married should stop giving out marital advice?

Question

Just wondering if anyone else finds this a bit annoying as well. For example, how would someone who isn't married "know" what makes a happy marriage? How would he or she "know" what makes a husband more or less likely to cheat?

It's quite fair for them to discuss it, of course, but it seems kind of silly for them to disparage what happily married people are saying works for them, isn't it? Or is it really possible to know what makes a good marriage without actually doing it yourself? Did your ideas about relationships change once you had a LTR or got married?

Is there a difference between offering advice, and putting one's nose where it doesn't belong? Is it acceptable for a long-married granny, but not for a never-married aunt or sister? Is there a difference between giving an opinion and putting down the advice from married people, claiming that you know better?

Answer 1

Even though I was in long-term relationships and even lived with a boyfriend, I thought marriage was completely different. I think that piece of paper and being called a "wife" really make things different than a regular relationship. Not too positively in my past experience, but I got married for all the wrong reasons.

I think if you haven't been married before, you may speak more of "ideals," and not know as much what works and doesn't work in reality, not to mention the internal struggles you go through... Pretty much the same way I don't know about raising kids in practice, nonetheless, expressing myself about all the things every parent should do LOL...BUT I have at least been a child before, so I know one side of the story :)

EDIT: Mrs, having been divorced and knowing exactly what worked and didn't work, would definitely qualify one to express herself about the dos and don'ts that she learned about. Someone who got divorced and analyzed what went wrong may actually be more qualified than someone who continues to stay in a marriage and repeat the same patterns. You sometimes learn by looking at the situation detached from the outside, as opposed to still being caught up in it, IMO.

I don't think it's as black and white though, because you can make the same argument of disqualification about anything and anybody...then have to narrow everything down to finding your "equal peers" ...I think everybody is allowed to give their own opinion, now whether or not I see them as authorized enough and accept them, is another story :) Alot of people have offered me advice about things they have never experienced, but they had common sense and a great understand of my nature, so I gladly listened.

Answer 2

You're not looking at this clearly and it seems you're being quite defensive. Take a step back. Think about it. If someone is slapping a child or abusing one. It doesn't take a mother to know that's wrong. If we limited people to not giving answers unless it's in their field of expertise, opinions would be eliminated altogether. You can't control what another person says but you certainly can control how you respond. My father has told me good advice, and it's Take the advice, thank the person, put it on a mental shelf. Don't toss it out right away, you never know when it will come in useful. I am not married, but you don't know my experiences or people I've encountered, or the pschiatry I know about. You don't have to be married to be able to give marital advice. The difference is how it is asked. Did you complain nonstop? Come on, maybe it's you, not them. It's just advice or an opinion. You don't have to follow it. I'm sure you have opinions on how the president should make some decisions? Same thing. Don't be so critical please. Take a step back and look at the situation as a whole. It's in your control how you respond.

Hope this helps.

Thanks!

Answer 3

In no particular order: 1. Dad needs to hire home care srvcs. If none available, move to a place where it is available. 2. You need to leave Dad and the family home for a place of your own close to transit/closer to spouse's work. 3. Once you move to a more amenable, independent location, negotiate a strategy to identify and share household chores, then make a commitment never to do his share. This is crucial. Take up friendships/hobbies/courses but stop providing domestic services altogether absolutely until he mans up. 4. Make an appt to meet with a finance counsellor together to get an adult strategy for effective money management. If he won't go with you, go alone and take steps to protect your income, i.e. NO joint accounts. 5. Make appt with marriage counsellor just for yourself to assess the relationship and determine truly whether it's in your interest to continue being mommy. Sounds as if your giving tree has been shaken bare and the Canadian winter's coming. Summary: Collectors, unfortunately, are usually very childish and much more committed to their collections and other childish holdovers than they will ever be to an adult female. They seek to escape reality just about all the time, it seems, not unlike other addicts. Quite often, at least until about 40-ish, they maintain sufficient looks/charm to attract mommy replacements as each departs for the reasons you describe. Because you're so replaceable, there's very little incentive to grow up and out of the collector behavior. Too many of these characters think that because they have seized on items that appear harmless, you have no reason to complain when, in fact, what he's telling you is, 'Don't ever need or want anything b/c I am unable to give much of anything. .. I need it all for myself.' Sadly, unless the prospect of life w/o you is truly devastating, he probably won't even want to change.

Answer 4

I take the advice from someone that has been there. Non-married folks don't have a clue what it is like to be married. They only know what they have been told. I don believe that you can learn how to have a good marriage from watching others that have been married for a long time. I.E. My parents have been married for 30 years. I don't consider theirs to be a good marriage. They fight all the time, dad drinks like a fish, mom nags him for drinking, they sleep in separate rooms and have nothing in common but the fact that they have been married so long and the kids. My grandparents have been married 50 years. They are kind and considerate to each other. I have never heard them exchange cross words towards or about each other and neither have their kids heard them. They do things together and know when to be apart from each other. They are the ones that I based all I wanted from a marriage on. I learned from them how I want to be and from my parents how I didn't want to be. So far I have it pretty good in my marriage.

Answer 5

Good mearriages mean different things to different people. I dont even think married people are truly able to give advice to another couple on how to be "happy" b/c it deends on the couple. Butttt you are on Y!A so you are going to get opinions from EVERYONE. So, if you ask a question, and someone feels they may be able to help you, then they are going to put in their 2 cents. I have never been married, but I think I have a good relationship and feel that I could give good advice sometimes but just b/c I wasn't ever married doesn't mean that I can't answer a question.

Answer 6

Good advice can come from someone who learned something valuable from their friends and family and their education. We are all people and we can relate in a thousand ways. And we will not agree on everything. I understand that it is annoying to hear someone tell you that you are doing something wrong, but that could come from friends or strangers, married or not.
Each and every marriage is different. There are universal truths and there are those that are specific only for that one unique couple.

Yes. I know what a good marriage is and I know I didn't have one.
Yes. I thought the love of one would be enough. I learned quite well that that spells disaster. Both people have to care.
C. :)!!

Answer 7

It depends on the party giving the advice. I was counseled before marriage by an individual who was never married and would never marry, however, he understood many of the issues married couples struggle with. He provided the kind of information one can take to heart and live by for any successful relationship whether with children, spouse, siblings, parents, relatives, in-laws, friends, colleagues, or strangers.

I must admit, I was reluctant to participate in pre-marital counseling with someone who had never been married, but his advice has contributed greatly to our successful, happy 32 year journey together. It has helped us through child-rearing (4 of them), job changes, moving across the country, career changes, surgeries, and deaths of loved ones.

I have worked at a family therapy center which trained unmarried student interns to be therapists, and I always marveled at how well these students did with unhappily married couples who came to them for advice and answers to incredibly difficult problems. It really has nothing to do with experience but a lot to do with providing people with the skills to restore, create, or strengthen their relationships.

On the other hand, I know some people who have been married many times and experience has taught them nothing about creating and maintaining a successful marriage.

Answer 8

If a non married person is asked, or caught up in a conversation about marriage then its fair. Being unmarried doesnt mean you are blind to it--you had parents, and you can see both sides of a marital dispute and comment rationally.
Sticking ones nose into a marital issue and offering advice, even if it is good sound advice, isnt really on.

Answer 9

Some people who have never been married still have a good grasp on what marriage is about. You can know the things that lead a marriage to succeed and the things that cause it fail from your parents' marriage, friend's marriages, etc. You can't possibly know as much about marriage as someone who has actually done it but you may still have valuable opinions and advice.

Answer 10

They are either smarter or uglier than you or I.

their advice though, may be very good because they are not caught up in the need for a permanent lover in their life. Their advice would be more sound than that of another married victim of love.

A single, never married person, deals with other, more important issues, other than the quams of a spouse.

So listen and stop worrying about your spouse and concentrate on the things you need to work on, and allow other people to do the same. Kind of like an never married person does on a daily basis, and is an expert at.

Yes you may have domestic stuff the never married person does not have to deal with, but that was your choice.

The never married may have great advice on how you need to deal with yourself.

After all is said and done, you still must deal with you.

You are not solely resposnible for a happy marriage. noone makes you happy and you make noone happy. 2 happy people get married and share their happiness. Anything else is sickness and disfunction.

Happiness is a choice to be happy no matter what.