Has this ever happened to you?

Question

Have you ever had a need to not only SAY the right thing, but to also THINK and FEEL the right thing?

For example, have you ever had a partner where you were very aware of their moods, their approval and disapproval, and it got to where throughout the day, you almost felt they were constantly there. Or like your every thought or feeling, you were aware of whether they would approve or disapprove, so your beliefs and attitudes and emotions all started to change?

I wanted to add: I mean even whether you find a certain joke funny or a certain piece of music enjoyable, you are aware of whether the other person would approve of you laughing at the joke or enjoying the music.

Lioness, yes, although it's been closer to what Butterfly described (except with sexes reversed in my case).

Angi, yeah. I think sometimes the line between the two sorts of dynamics, one loving and healthy, the other destructive, depends on how able the one partner is to be assertive or how inclined the other is to take advantage and abuse.

Because I agree that that sort of understanding, that anticipating one's partner's wants and needs, can be a good thing. But it can also easily turn into something very dark.

And don't worry. I've been celibate for the last few years since my last relationship like that. I didn't have the strength to end it, but she did (although she never did tell me why, just cut off all contact and refused to speak to me when her last message had been "Nothing's wrong. Don't worry. I will always love you."

Her blog says she realized she deserved better and that I was taking advantage of her, so maybe my perception of things is totally wrong. Probably.

Answer 1

Wow, Gnu if what you mean is what butterfly shared, then that is horrible. Run, don't walk.

For some reason I read it to mean just being ever mindful of someone you love dearly and remembering them in all your interactions when they are not there.

Ex: I heard a song today, I just knew you'd love it.. have you ever heard of 'xyz'?

that type of thing

Answer 2

Yes, many times. However, I am a pretty private, independent person, so it is usually very uncomfortable for me.

It isn't so much that my beliefs and attitudes change, but that I act differently. All my behaviors change because I start to go into 'full avoidance' mode. I'm trying to get out of a conversation before it happens. I'm trying to inspire the urge NOT to communicate, because it feels like the person is always inside my head, or vice versa.

Eventually, I grow to resent that feeling of umbilical attachment, usually very quickly, and will do nearly anything to be out of the person's presence.

What can I say? I'm definitely an 'arm's length' kind of guy. I am most comfortable with a partner who is similar enough to me, in that fashion, that we have some together activities, but as many separate activities, where we can go and be wholly self involved. It makes together time worthwhile, for me. I like the feeling that my partner is a whole, functional, separate person with individual likes and interests.

The closest I have happily come to that situation is the person who 'inspires you to be better,' but in a very indirect way.

Answer 3

Honestly, no. I would say that it sounds as though that relationship is marked by insecurity. One partner perhaps has some trust issues, and in response, the other partner feels as though they are walking on eggshells all the time.

It is possible that the insecure partner - the one who is causing the other to want to control their emotions - can work through it. If there is an honestly good, mentally stable person there, it might be worth working through. But if this person needs to control everyone around him or her, and is giving you an ulcer, I'd say it's time to move on.

Answer 4

it sounds like in a way to be dependent on that person.in so many ways that person does set the stage for you to be a happy person or a sad person,which can be very critical in a relationship.if you have thoughts of this persons approvals or disapproval's,and you don't mind the way things are set up between the two of you in a positives light,then i wouldn't see a conflict in that relationship,on the other hand if there demeanor is in a negative way then you should become more independent and start looking for the positive situation.good luck with this one,everyone deserves to be happy in there relationships & with there partners...

Answer 5

Yes. He became an internal voice of evaluation, from the smallest to the biggest decisions I made, even after we broke up and I wasn't in contact with him for a couple of years. I was 22, emotionally vulnerable and didn't have much identity of my own when we met. He was 11 years older and our time together was pretty intense. I subconsciously looked up to him as a father-figure in so many ways and his place became one of "authority", although a kind and loving one that had my best interest at heart. In my case, his influential voice was very positive. Although I strove to physically, academically and emotionally become the best to "please him," it was motivation enough for me to improve. And the same internal voice told me I need to search for my own identity and be my own person. We're friends now and he's not my internal voice anymore, but he still plays an active role as a positive external voice.

What about you?

EDIT: ET, the food talk and the non-negotiable political/religious talk sounded like me LOL

EDIT: Gnu, ugh. I think a lot of couples (especially men) feel that they have to walk on egg shells to avoid conflict though.

Answer 6

Only once in my life time Gnu did I have a partner where we were so in tune with each other we knew even though we were apart what each other was thinking and feeling.
Gnu, it was so very special.
Yes, it does happen but rarely.
When you find it hang onto it because if you let it go like I did, you never get it back.

Answer 7

You mean walking on egg shells because this guy has lack of self control and short tempered? Sure. Get out of the relationship, it isn't good for you to constantly live in fear and feel like you're walking in a minefield. Life shouldn't be that hard.

Answer 8

Yes, it has, but not pertaining to my beliefs.
My ex and I were together for almost eight years, even though we were both independent-minded and emphatical on personal freedom, we also felt strongly about nurturing and tending to our unit, relationship, so even after years I still found myself seeking his approval in some ways, not so much in matters of opinion, such as politics and religion, more so, in other areas, such as the food I prepared or ways I took care of him, my work, sex, affection, friends/family issues at times, etc.
I wanted him to be pleased with me, to always feel like he had a good woman by his side, and I know that he felt the same, as actions speak louder than words, and one can always tell when the partner is going out of their way to please one.
But when it came down to beliefs, as much as I loved him, I did not change my religious or political views to match his.
So, in many ways, I did seek his approval, when related to our intimate or social exchanges, but for what was personal to me, my beliefs, I did not mold them around his nor expected for him to change his either, as those are individual perspectives, which we were both entitled to.

Edit: Not suprising ET, we are like-minded in some ways. :-)

Edit: Reading your comment, Butterfly's and Lioness' post, brings to mind that it is unfair and even cruel to oneself (to a certain extent) to remain part of a relationship in which one cannot be oneself freely, it seems like voluntary imprisonment.

Answer 9

Yes, with my big sister. I looked up to her so much that I felt like if I liked something and she didn't, it was just because I had bad taste. It took until university to realise that there are things that are valuable in life, even if she isn't interested in them.

Answer 10

Yes, I've had to dod this before. Really a number of times. I'm sure other people needed to do this before also.