What should I do about my husband's verbal abuse?

Question

I've been married for 4 months. (2nd marriage) My husband is very hot tempered and everytime we argue over things he gets in my face and yells at me. He has publicly humiliated me before. Says things like, "you don't know how to be a wife...you're miss perfect and never do anything wrong". I can never tell him my feelings and discuss things rationally. When I break down and cry in front of him it just seems to make his temper worse. I am at a loss. I am starting to think I made a bad choice in a second husband. How can he say he loves me and make me feel like such a piece of trash?

To answer Joe's question...the only one who told me that she had a bad feeling about my husband was my best friend. She thought he may be too controlling for me. I have totally lost my identity with this man. I do love him and so do my children. I am just tired of being "beat down" and have my self esteem destroyed. I have tried to talk to him rationally many times but it always seems to blow up. I know that newlyweds argue but I don't remember feeling like this with my first husband. I have now moved upstairs and we are sleeping in seperate beds (not the first time).

Answer 1

yes, i think you made a bad choice in a second husband.

Answer 2

Verbal abuse will eventually become physical abuse. I know. I was married for 24 years and the first 9 was the verbal abuse. In year 10 (the same year I learned he'd cheated on me) he knocked me into a wall, bruised my are, hurt my back, bloodied my ear, and it continued until I left. It took many years of trying to make it stop, before I realized it never would. I wasn't surprised to hear my ex treated his second wife the same way. She only stayed 5 months, though. Later, when my daughter divorced her abusive husband, she said, "Mom, I didn't want to stay with him and turn around in 20 years and see I've lived your life." Get help now, before he breaks your nose or puts your head through a Sheetrock wall. Trust me, I know what can and probably will happen. Don't turn around in 20 years and see you've lived a life like mine. Do the research! Verbal abuse will likely turn into physical abuse, but even if it doesn't, no person should have to suffer verbal abuse.

Answer 3

For something like this I have learned there are no easy answers. My second husband is doing something similar. Though I had spent a long time in deciding what I wanted and would accept in a husband after my first divorce. The first was abusive, cheater etc... horrible man. Now the second is nothing like the first though when he gets angry he says the meanest things. I know for sure I didn't date him long enough and I feel like I am back at square one. Though on the other hand I know he loves me and will never cheat. I used to feel secure in knowing he would never hit me but lately he has been acting as if he would. You know a little jerk with his shoulder or a quick movement with his hand. We have been married almost 5 years. I am seriously beginning to doubt my decision with him. A couple of years ago I would have disagreed that all verbal abuse would turn to physical but now I really wonder.
When in a state of confusion such as this it is time to take a step back. Even if we are staying in the same house with our husband and take a look at what it is we really want. Are we willing to continue to allow him to treat us/you like trash. Is this respect? How many people fight by such screaming and yelling and do they say mean things with each other? Is there a possibility of learning to argue and get it settled so both sides are happy? Are we respecting our husbad and vice versa? I ask this one because my husband always says he respects me however for example when I ask him not to feed the cats people food he does it anyway, or when I ask him to turn off my computer he leaves it on or when he asks if I would like it on he turns it off. That is not showing respect...
Actions speak louder than words.
No one has to put up with any kind of abuse. Biblically speaking you can get divorced but the only way a person would be free to be remarried is if the other cheated or died. That is what breaks the marriage bonds in God's eyes.
I am sure this is not too much help because there is no direction here and I realize making a decision like this is life altering. But whatever your decision it is the right one and if you decide to stay and try to work it out and then later you decide you have had enough that is still an option.

Answer 4

You either didnt date him long enough to see him for what he is or you ignore the warning signs hon.
How many people tried to talk you out of it or told you to wait?
Tell him it is time for counseling or a divorce.
However, before you do that, lets be honest, have YOU ever been verbally abusive to him in ANY way?Be honest.
Have you ever been selfish?
Do you really try to understand HIS point of view on things?
Think about it and get back to me.
I'll be here all week!

Answer 5

The last question in your paragraph you should be asking yourself. You really want to deal with someone that is like that for the rest of your life? No one deserves that. I was in abusive relationship before. It was just like that at first, only verbal. Then it became physical. I had to leave. No one, seriously NO ONE deserves that. Lifes to short for that. Of course everyone argues and yells at times, but like that? In public? No thats a control issue and if your not careful it could get out of control. Be careful.

Answer 6

Sounds like you don't love your self enough because if you did you would care who you chose and choose wisely yea we make mistakes but 2wice? boost your confidence and leave his a$%^ unless you dont know how to be alone? you deserve better move on!!! he's not worth it and this has been only 4 months do you want this for the rest of your lives? or you can try taking marraige counseling if it doesnt work keep your head up dust your self off and keep it moving!

Answer 7

Don't give him the satisfaction of crying in front of him.He sounds immature and ignorant.Every time he says bad things to you ,do not argue but say something nice in return if you have to make yourself a list to do it cause at the time all you may feel is hurt and anger.If you keep it up you may see a change.Other wise,if there are no improvements then tell him plainly that if he doesn't straighten out his attitude he can sleep outside and mean it if you have to lock him out.If he breaks in then call the police and tell them about his issues.he may need counseling for his temper and you shouldn't have to put up with it but trying to blow the fire out can help.Arguing solves nothing.Your silence at times can be far more powerful a message.

Answer 8

He needs to learn how to control that anger but that's on his part. I wondering what do you guys fight about? I see the out come but I don't see the root of it. On the way you explain it, You seem like your in a bad situation. I wish I could give more advice but their needs to be a little more detail. I know how it feels to try to make things easy to come by. Like when you have a problem and you want to resolve it but words don't seem to be getting through to each other. That's when it seems like it blows up cuz ether or one of you are not listening to one another and to do it in a calm manner. To Meany disagreements is what causes it. But I do think he should not be putting you down to make himself feel better about himself. That's very inconsiderate of him to do that.

Answer 9

It is extremely difficult to talk to someone who is abusive because you are always afraid they will fly off the handle. Look at his life - did his parents fight like this? Did HIS dad abuse him? I walked away from a man who was abusive - my dad and it was pretty difficult in the beginning, but then I reliezed that it was a very smart thing to do. Bottomline - if he feels he is not wrong and won't change - there is nothing you can do and you will probably have to walk away to save yourself. But if he wants to change - help him.

Answer 10

It sounds like you described my husband. We have been together for 17 years and have 3 children. We actually met in highschool and had our first child at 16 I guess thats why I have put up with it for so long. I try so hard to have a normal life but I never know what is going to set him off . He has gotten better over the years and I know he loves me but when you get treated like garbage for so lomg it is always in the back of your mind Dont let your husband treat you like crap as long as I have Leave him and dont go back until he agrees to counselling.

Answer 11

Hon, my XH would just tell me to go in the other room if I was crying. Among many other things he did, some of the things were what your H is doing, is why he is my XH.

I think you need to get as far away from this guy as fast as you can and get to therapy to see why you tend to choose guys like this for yourself. I think you may have self esteem issues or you could just be missing the red flags.

Therapy is nothing to be ashamed of. Its really one of the best things you can do for yourself, and any other future mates you will have.