Divorced?? 10 Points for best answer!!!!?

Question

I'm NOT divorced......although I've been thinking about it for the past year. My husband & I got married at 19 and we've changed so much over the past 5 years that we've been married. We don't have that much in common anymore. I even have a hard time being intimate with him lately.
The problem is we have a 21month old child together. My baby is my LIFE!!!! I cannot imagine living one day without my child!! I don't think I could share coustody. It sounds terrible I know! I haven't left my husband so far, only because I don't want to have to share custody & disrupt my childs life. But what about my life?? Should I stay with a man I really not in love with for the sake of my child?
Divorced people..how do you deal when you share custody? How does it feel not to have your children 24/7?? Thanks for your stories & advise!

Answer 1

I've been divorced for 13 years. I have 2 kids. My son was 9 and my daughter was 6 when their dad and I split up. It was NOT an easy decision. I also couldn't bear the thought of sharing custody and being apart from my kids.

But . . . I finally realized a few things that helped change my mind. They may not apply to you, it's a very personal decision, but I'll share them with you just in case.

First, I had to think of the person that I had become with my ex-husband. I had become a weak, fearful person, always working so hard to keep the peace that I had lost myself. My ex was not a mean person or physically cruel, he was just a very controlling selfish person and also had a very volatile temper. He could just blow up, say a lot of nasty things, and then be over it. But of course I would cry for days! I am a person who likes peace and quiet, and I always want to please the people I love. So I had become a wimp. Is the kind of woman that I wanted to model for my kids?

Secondly, my ex and I were giving a very bad example of marriage. For us it was the man demands and the woman concedes. I couldn't fight with him, it's not in my nature, so my kids didn't see a lot of anger or fighting - but they did see a man who was bossing around his wimpy wife. Is this what I wanted my kids to think marriage was?

Thirdly, I finally realized that my kids would be much better off with 2 happy parents who lived apart than a miserable couple.

And, I'm happy to say, that my kids are now 22 and 19. They are both in college and doing great. We have had wonderful life. I remarried and am very happy. My kids love my husband and respect the different gifts that he has brought into our lives. My ex also remarried, and his wife has been a good stepmother to my children. She is different person than I am so she can stand up to him. They have seen more fighting in his home, but it's also healthy in a way for them to know that people can both be strong and stand up for themselves. They didn't see that with me.

My kids have told me that they can't imagine that I was ever married to their dad. They say that their lives would have been miserable if we had stayed together. I am the soft place where they can land when they have had difficult times with them (he continues to be a very controlling person). They say if we had stayed together they wouldn't have had another place to live when things got rough with him. But, because they can take a break from him, I think that they have a better relationship with him than they would have if we still lived together and they were stuck with all of the time!

The downside is that in our community we had to have totally split custody, right down the middle. As my kids got older they couldn't tolerate being with him that much so they each spent more time with me as they progressed through the teenage years. But, when they were small and I had to say good bye to them for weeks at a time - Oh my God!!! I can't tell you how hard it was!!! But I guess you can imagine. The only thing that got me through it was the fact that they seemed so much happier with us being apart and I could tell that I was doing the right thing.

And it's hard being a single parent. I had to go back to work full-time after not working for 10 years. That was scary. I didn't make a whole lot of money and because of the split custody, my ex paid less child support (even though I pretty much did everything for them!). And I've always tried to keep my kids needs separate from my husband - they are not his kids. He's wonderful to them and has done so much more than he had to - but I always consider that they are my responsibility, not his.

Sometimes I say that I got divorced FOR my children, not in spite of them, because I think it really was the best thing for them in the long run - no matter how hard it was on me.

I've written a very long answer to your question! But it's an important question and I think that you need to consider all the aspects. Like I said, my situation may have no bearing on yours - but hopefully I can give you another perspective.

I wish you well! It's not an easy choice to make - but whatever you do, know that you are strong and you can make it.

Answer 2

First of all you should try and sit down and get some counseling which is what the court will order most likely should you petition it for a divorce. Secondly you are still young and have your whole life ahead of you. Thirdly you will have to share custody of the child you can't be selfish about it. Especially since you will have NO SAY IN IT at all !!! The court will decide on visitation rights for both of you probably some kind of 50%/50% split amongst you on holidays, summer vacation, weekly sleep overs, you might have the child one week at your house during school and he might have the child one week if you live in the same city. My friend got a divorce and the wife tried to move out of state and the JUDGE said NO the child may not move more than 100 miles from where the father lives EVER until the child turns 18. It isn't as easy a thing to do as most people think about getting a divorce unless you have no assets and no kids. Really try to work it out and I know you are young but I know you will come up with something. Talk it out. GOD BLESS YOU !!!! GOOD LUCK !!!!

Answer 3

You cannot stay for the sake of the child. Kids feel the tension and they know when things are not right. They might not know what is going on but they know something is going on. It is a big adjustment when the kids go with the other parent. You will get used to it. It might not seem like that now because she is so young but you will. After the first couple of times it will be alright. You will cry those first few times and worry about her the whole time. Life is short and we need to make the most of it. If you are unhappy the kids are unhappy. Is that any way to grow up? I lived in a house like that and it was awful. We did not have one happy holiday or get together. I would not put any child through that. Good luck to you.

Answer 4

You may not beleive this but 5 years of marriage is only a drop in the bucket, and it sounds like you do love the guy, I think you should think more of what you could do to save your marriage then to end it. You say your baby is your life? Well dont you think that the father feels the same way? What about the child? Anyone can quit! Winners always make th FINISH LINE. Oh and since its you having a hard time being intimate, then maybe its you who needs to do some changing? Just a thought.

Answer 5

Well, I have a two yr old boy. I was never married to his father, but just went through a ugly custody battle. He never wanted anything to do with him till now. I also have been divorced and been a child of divorced paren'ts. My parents divorced when i was a year and a half. I look at it now and know its best my parents did divorce.

You cant still in a relationship you arent happy with just because of your child. In the long run it will hurt your child. Best get through it now and by the time your child is old enough too understand it will be easier on them.

Just remember don't bad mouth the other parent or threaten that they cant see the other parent or threaten the other parent that they cant see the child. You have to be willing to work together seriously. Take parenting classes and did it together. Hope I help somewhat.

Answer 6

I have a friend that after 20 years of marriage they divorced. He bought a house on the same bus route so even when the kids were at his house they were on the same bus to the same school. (Mom traveled for business) They lived with her when she was in town and him when she was out of town. One has now graduated, one will graduate this year and the youngest is in high school. They have survived and done well. Your problem is that you are being selfish with the custody of his child. Get the divorce and understand that if he is a good person, he will get to be with his child. Otherwise, suck it up, find a boyfriend, and live with a man you don't love until the child has graduated. By my calculations that will be another 16 years. AND please don't have anymore kids or you will have to live with him longer!!!

Answer 7

Well sometimes get the wife and husband grew apart and cant even work it out, and his wife turn for someone else for sex......and my husband, he knows his ex had been cheating him for a while and tried to believe other people say that his wife is cheating, until he saw his wife in bed with two guys. And now he divorce her that was 7yrs back. His wife got his kid, and for custody of the child is joint custody means he pay half and she pay half. Joint custody, how it work~~ the husband die the kids goes to the wife, the wife dies the kids goes to the husband.

My advise to u go to marriage consultation, or talk to him. Divorce is not the way out, cause u do think bout yr kids.

Think wisely of yr decision u make,my dear friend

Good luck

Answer 8

A father's view!
This will probably get me kicked off yahoo answers but...
How do you think your husband would feel about not getting to see his child?You will of coarse want him to pay child support and extra bills but not let him see his child?My wife left several times to be with different boyfriends.She left when my Son was a year old,we had a birthday party for him and she left to go get ice and came back almost 2 years later.She never tried to take my Son though.
You talk about shared custody but what will do if he get full custody of the child?How would you like to only see the kid on holidays and maybe a week in the summer?You may not like it but it is his child as well.He will be in your life until the child is 18 years old.Learn to deal with it.Good luck.

Answer 9

Spend the time and energy that a divorce involves, but expend it on your marriage and your life together. You are not experiencing anything that just about every person out there goes through, but some realize it in advance and don't make decisions that they later regret See also my ex-wife for many of the same conditions that you describe. BTW, she will tell you twenty years later that it was the dumbest thing that she has ever done.

Answer 10

How we live our life, the decisions and choices we make affect both our parents and our children. We were created in love; your children were created in love. They deserve to live with love. So do you.

The ideal is to live with love from the other parent of your children. But we must be realistic and admit that this is not always possible. In this century, half of all marriages end in divorce. What about the other half? Are we to assume that they are blissfully happy or have some of them decided to stay married for the children's sake? If you are among those that are staying married just for your children there are some thoughts you should consider.

While staying married for the children’s sake is a noble idea in theory, in practice you are probably doing more harm than good to both your children and yourself. You need to ask yourself two vital questions. Is this the life your parents want you to have? Is this the life you would wish on your son, or on your daughter? Most likely the answer would be NO! Your parents most certainly want you to be happy. If you are not happy, you certainly wouldn’t wish this same life for your children.

You are showing your children that you don’t have the self-confidence to demand happiness out of your own life. That it is all right to sacrifice your happiness for someone else. Your children will follow your example. They create an image for themselves from what they see their parents do. You set the standards.

A better image to show your parents, your son, your daughter, is one of self-worth. If your marriage is the cause of your unhappiness then you need to do whatever necessary to repair the marriage. You must go to counseling and do whatever it takes to make you happy. Even if that means you must get a divorce. Staying and accepting a bad marriage as your lot in life just creates an image of worthlessness. Divorce, if necessary, creates a standard of self-confidence, strength and self-worth.

It’s your life. You can’t change the past; you will not be able to relive your life. But you can change the present to control the future. Your self-sacrificing will not improve your children’s lives and it most certainly will not improve yours. You want your son or daughter to be strong, self-confident adults with control of their future. You want them to be happy. To do whatever is necessary to achieve that happiness. That’s what your parent’s want for you.