Anyone with an ear to lend and a shoulder to cry on? Marriage/Family advice needed!?

Question

I feel like my marriage of 12 years is falling apart. I married my first love at 20 and we now have 3 children. I don't know if I have the 12 year itch, or what. I have been struggling with a decision to end this marriage but I hesitate for the obvious reason...my children. My husband does not cheat on me, has a steady job, does not drink (just social, on occasion), and seems like a good guy from the outside. Now that I have been thinking of ending this marriage, my family admits they do not like him because he is unfriendly and anti-social. My husband's faults do not end there. He is overly cranky and crabby with the kids (my 7 year old recently asked my why I had to marry him), he is not involved with them outside of sitting next to them on the couch (not to say he has never interacted with them...he is just lazy most of the time), he does little work around the house (I mow the yard 50% of the time, I do all of the painting, hanging of fans/lights), he is consumed with things

We struggle to live a lifestyle out of our financial range yet he just bought a sports car and a new $5000 Entertainment Center. I said no, no, no until he just wore me down. I begged him to take the TV away but he did not. Is this normal behavior or is it immature, selfish behavior?

I am afraid that we will end up in foreclosure on our house, in bankruptcy, and with horrible credit. How can I start out on my own with this on my shoulders? What is your spouse like?

By the way...been to counseling 5 times...he won't go again...and he loves me...that is the hardest part...I would love someone who takes care of everything too!

Answer 1

He is being selfish and you need to set him straight. Not putting work in the house... tztztz. I wouldn't be happy this way either. I'm sure you've already tried talking to him about this, and it didn't work. So I guess leaving him is the only option. And, my god, even your kids are wondering why you married him...
In addition to good "don'ts" like don't drink and don't cheat, you need some substance, some "do's" like does love me a lot, does care for the kids.... "Don'ts" don't make a person, the "do's" do.

Answer 2

buy the dr laura book 'the proper care and feeding of husbands' i am completely serious. you guys are in a rut. he is as bored with you and his life as you are with him. you have a home and children and your youth !!!! and health. the trick is to maximize all that, dear. first, why do you think you will go bankrupt? because divorce will not let you live in your own home? probably right. you would have to get a job and that would take up all your time. you would not have the same relationship with your children. here is another priceless book 'the 7 habits of highly successful famillies' by stephen covey. you married at 20. there are a million things you can do to enlarge your own world and be a more cheerful and interesting person to him. he is retreating from you. that is what the car and tv are about. he is silently asserting himself as a man. every man i have ever known has done something like this at one point or another. you guys were young when you tied yourselves down. you can both grow and learn and thrive as a couple, he is not a bad person and neither are you. read and keep reading and keep learning. there is another book you can read, it is called 'do one thing different' and it tells how you can turn this around.

how about before you end your marriage you just end the way you are today and go about freely being someone else? take a class, go to the gym, break up this routine. as i said, you have enviable youth and energy on your side. people change, and i see no reason it cant be for the better. peace.

Answer 3

He is very selfish and immature. You are unhappy and that is enough of a reason to end it if you really want to. He is not there for you and he is not a father to your children. They deserve better and so do you. I could not live with the stress of that financial burden. My husband is great. We have three kids (17,13 and 11) He does any housework that needs done while I am at work, he takes car of the lawn and the cars, when the kids were little he took care of them. We worked opposite shifts so they only had to spend a few hours a week with a sitter. Even though he does laundry and housework he thinks that I should not do things around the house that are "mans work". Go figure that one. He does not buy anything that we do not agree on together (neither do I) and when we want something we save for it and pay cash. You can't do this with a house or car but we do with everything else. We save for vacations before we go. Your children know that you are not happy. They really know more than any adult gives them credit for. The will like it better if you are happy and they will be more happy. We should not stay married for the children because that is not good for anyone, especially them. You need to ask yourself if you can spend the rest of your life like this. Life is too short to settle for less than you want and deserve. Good luck.

Answer 4

WOW!!! I could've written that question. Been there, done that. My husband was about the same way. The ONLY reason that we are still together is because he finally saw a medical doctor and not a mental doctor for the underlying issues. He ended up being put on anti-depressants and after a few 'tweaks', he's a wonderful man again. Life's stresses and our physical and physiological changes can always make us feel like bailing out. Our son has even said that he wants me to get a divorce if he ever goes off his medicine. I still do all the chores, except for mowing. You are going to have to see if his love for you is strong enough to possibly admit that he has issues and is willing to possibly go on medication. Don't call it the 12-year itch. Call it the breaking point. You can only be responsible for everything in the house and the kids before you no longer feel like a wife, but a maid and/or slave. Probably not a lot of help, but I wanted to tell you that you are not the only one out there dealing with this type of thing.

Answer 5

I would say his being very selfish. But then again you can't help who you love. My husband and I are like oil and water, i want to save he doesn't i like taking my son to the park and he wants to sit and watch movies. We compromise and make it work. Alright lets get our son and go to the movies. Sometime in marriage you have to just get over it and work it out. He needs to do this. I'm sorry you feel that way. You sound like your a prisoner in your own marriage. Divorce is not always the right answer but if you must well you must. You can take care of your kids and be successful. Good Luck.

Answer 6

Wow I think I just read my life story of Yahoo answers. I'm sorry I can't offer much help I am in the same boat. Married almost 9 years together for 11, and we have 3 kids. Wow I think we are living in each others path. If you get some good advice please share it with me. It's hard thinking about divorce when you don't know what will happen to the 3 children. I face this everyday in my thoughts Good luck

Answer 7

there was a reason you fell in love with him right? Please don't contribute to the divorce rate because he has gotten a little complacent. people give up on people way to fast. Have a serious talk with him please! my wife left me because i never thought she would and now I'm the one scarred for life. I get to miss out on my 3 childrens lifes because I was a fool and I am willing to bet that if he had that presented to him, he would try a bit harder. Find a way to not get a divorce first is all I'm saying and dont care what other people think of him being social they aren't married to him. when will people realize that when you have kids and get married youre a family! not to say you have to give up on your parents or anything like that but their importance level goes down a notch.

Answer 8

The strains of his financial immaturity and lack of interaction with the kids are getting to you- that sounds like a very normal reaction to me!

Have you considered counseling? I would urge you to get credit counseling at the very least- there are several good organizations that offer free services. Marriage counseling would also be a good idea- he may very well have no idea how his behavior is affecting you and your children.

Answer 9

I will lend him a shoulder. I would lend him an my ear only when Mike is 80 years old and lost all his teeth. A precausion... Better safe than sorry.

Answer 10

You don't "just have the twelve year itch" and that certainly is immature, selfish behavior. I don't know that advice is going to help, as he doesn't seem interested in the relationship. Obviously you need to share how you feel with him. If there is another man in his life who he respects, perhaps he would be able to talk to your husband.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this.