What makes some people so "needy" in relationships??

Question

why is this such a big turn off for the other person also?

Answer 1

From my own experiences with people .
Often the ones that cling so much , are the ones that have been hurt or ignored in life. Those that life seems to pass by , because they arent what everyone wants them to be.
So they begin seeking out for love and acceptance to anyone around them. For they are lonely , and feel abandoned as if they're no good and are just easily thrown away in life. They want love but cant find it. So if someone happens to come along and show even the slightest bit of kindness to them . Even just a smile. Those people will keep trying to seek those people out for more as they are made to feel special in someone's eyes.
Clinging to something means it's like a lifeline in life or something that gives a secure feeling and peace.
People that cling , dont always realize they are doing so. But they do it because they're afraid to be left alone again. They want thos epeople in their lives to help them feel strong enough to stand on their own. For if we can feel special or that there is a reason for us being alive , then the feelings and views or opinions can be changed.

My husband is clingy and afraid to lose me. because he was never made to feel important and because his father moved the family around so much. So he was never able to build up good foundations to have true friends. So now he considers people as aquaintances only. So he doesnt have to feel so sad if they leave and go away. ( we've been amrried now for 20 years now)
He has often told me I am his one and only true friend. As I never left him and threw him away. That I make him feel important and special everyday. It makes me feel sad to hear this from him. As I have many good friends that I can lean on . Yet he feels no one can find value in him long enough to make a difference in his life. He was the only boy out of % kids so he felt the harsh expectations from his dad groing up that he had to be perfect. And get good grades and stand out from the crowd as if he was perfect and the smartest in the room. So he felt insignifcant and worthless, as if he were just a lump of clay his father wanted to mold the way he should be not what he really is.
So when I taught hiom what love really is . He clung to me relentlessly , afraid I'd disappear like everyone else in life. There are times in our marriage that I've had to be gone for long amounts of time. He cant seem to feel confident enough to be alone, Even with our kids around. So he'll call me every few hours or if I'm nearby like in the hospital He stops by every day. So he definitely clings more than I wish he would . But I can truly understand why, because I know his family well. The only person in that family that seemed to have a warm heart was his mom. She divorced his dad after he was in college, then left to go back to the UK where her twin lives. So I understand why he clings to me.
I've threatened to leave a few times for good because of it, As I felt I was being smothered and wasnt taken seriously. It caused him to cry in my arms and feel the sting he knows so well. I cant cry , I havent been able to for years. So sometimes he'll cry for me. as if it would help me feel more at ease. He says I can manipulate any situation to go my way. No matter what it is. I dont believe that. I just see that there are needs to be met, and will find ways and means to fill them. His needs are at the top of my list. As love can counquer all obstacles . even the obstacles that clinging can cause.
I feel sad for the clingers and the ones that are being clung onto. As that isnt what life is all about .but for some that all there is.
Some are weak and some are strong. I just hope that if you're clung to by someone that you'll stand strong for them as well as yourself. As they need you. and you may need them. It also shows how important you are to life to have someone want to keep you near them. even if you dont want them to. There will be others that see something and you also that causes the same thing.
This can be upsetting and a let down or turn off, to those that are latched on to because they want their own lives, and want to be free , not like they are forced to have dependacies hook to them before the time they're ready for or wanting them.

Answer 2

I think ultimately, the person being "needy" is afraid of being alone.People like this generally have low self esteem and lack self-confidence.Quite often their self worth is gained by the fact they are "wanted" by another individual.
It is often a turn off because the other person is made to feel responsible for the needy person, and responsible for the direction the relationship may go,good or bad.They may feel burdened with the responsibility of having to maintain a "happy relationship" at all costs,including their own happiness.Also, he/she may believe that if the relationship should go bad,the break-up could turn into a nightmare.
That is my honest opinion.
I believe most everyone has been in this type of relationship and probably from both sides at one time or another.I also believe that those who have experienced the "needy" side would agree it is not a healthy place to be.Not for the person in it or for the relationship itself.

Answer 3

Needy People

Answer 4

Some people are needy because of low self-esteem. It's a turn off to the other person because they may feel like they're just acting like a crutch for the other person.
Relationships are about you serving the other person, not the other person serving you. Needy people moreso want satisfaction for themselves; on the flip side, if the other person keeps trying to serve and support the needy person, it gets exhausting! However, however hard it may be, it's their job to be understanding towards the needy person, and be there for them as much as they can. Who knows? The "neediness" might go away!

Answer 5

people are needy because a lack of a parent growing up.. or their heart had been broken when they were growing up and it has never healed. they are looking for u to fill the void.

obviously this is such a big turn off because they want someone that can show then some support too, they don't want to always be the one that has to lift u up.

Answer 6

People like to be needed, but not to the point where the other person is a leech, or totally incapacitated without the other. Unless someone is seeking someone they can dominate, healthy relationships have weight on both ends, and is a team effort. Any other way is emotionally draining and the relationship will fail sooner or later, and both parties could be in for some serious hurt.

Answer 7

I think a "serious" relationship is a relationship that is exactly like you described -- engaged, or at least talking about it. Or, living together. In my opinion it is a relationship where you are exclusive, and have made motions to express the potential of spending your life together; i.e. an engagement, moving in together, etc. There is a definitely a difference in my opinion between an exclusive relationship and a serious relationship. I think you can be exclusive without being serious.

Answer 8

The needy person in a relationship is depending upon the other person's positive feedback to provide him or her self-esteem. Since this type of self-esteem does not last long, the needy person's need for more positive feedback will be renewed, with the result that the other person is continually being solicited (either verbally or non-verbally) for more and more positive feedback until its obvious that it won't last. When it gets obvious like that, it is really annoying to the other person.

Answer 9

Many different factors really.. some people are dependent on others, they need reassurance possibly because they lack self confidence and doubt the others commitment. Many like the vailidation.
Generally it may be a turn off to people who prefer more independent relationships, who feel they cant give everything all the time.

Answer 10

People are really "needy" in relationships because they want all the attention they can get. It can be a turn-off because the other person might think it is very annoying.

Answer 11

Ones 'neediness' comes about for all kinds of reasons ~ at the bottom of which is a lack of earlier stability's, sense of love, a lack of security and so and so on ~ and all kinds of combinations of various shades of what is missing from their life.

So, when they meet someone whom they fall into a relationship with, that person 'can become' seen as the missing bedrock of their life and take on a whole spectrum of their unrecognised need.

The turn-off for the other person can take on a variety of significances for them. They can feel as if they have no space to their self ~ no room, to breath, no space or time to call their own and ~ it's as if this needy person is like a child, or an infant who needs to 'feed from them.' They appear to be unable to function in their own world without this 'bedrock' of a person there to support, guide, feed and nurture them.

Having someone feel that was about your life can be very scary. And, feeling that way about someone you see as a bedrock ~ once seen as that, can be very very scary for the needy person too ~ especially when this relationship is seen for what it is.

The needy person then fears the loss of their bedrock ~ as if they are going to be cast adrift and left to float off into a world without that SPECIAL someone that have been in this relationship with.

Is that not 'frightening'!

Sash.