What can you do when your spouse is childish, immature and refuses to go to counseling?

Question

The Bible says the man should be the head of household. My husband strongly desires to be the head of household. The problem is unless it involves sex he does not know how to be a leader or take charge. He misunderstands 90% of whatever I tell him. He always "thinks" I said this or "thought" I meant that. He drops the ball a lot and everytime he justifies it by saying he didn't understand and/or I should have explained or done it this way or that way. Instead of asking in order to get a better understanding, he'd rather sit back and assume or just not deal with it at all.

For instance, bills are one of our biggest problems. We bought a new home seven months ago. We knew when we moved in things were going to be tight for a year or two. I thought we were BOTH on the same page as far as sacrifices, but we weren't. He has done nothing but whine about how we should have stayed in the apartment. About how we never have money to play. He'd rather eat out than buy things for the house.

I realize that nobody wants to work and never reap the benefits, but that's not the case here. We eat 3-4 times a week (sometimes less or more). We don't have any kids. We pay our bills, late sometimes, but they get paid. I make arrangements on what we can't pay. I handle all of the bills because he refuses to deal with it. He melts and becomes angry at ME if we have to pay something, that will take "play" money out of our pockets. I am concerned about surviving and that's all. We are blessed. We have food, nice clothes, a nice home, jobs, etc. We are comparable to many other couples who just bought their first home. Anybody knows there is struggle before success.

Also, his parents ... well, his mother has a lot to do with this too. He is an only child and she has babied him his whole life. I get the impression that they protected him from a lot of things when he was younger. His dad worked, his mom stayed at home and took care of all the bills. They eventually got to a point to where they have a little money to do things that they wanted to do (take trips, buy a TV, etc.). He wants to mimic what they did. We are not at that point yet. We have only been married for a little over 3 years. We don't even have any kids. They never bought a brand new house. The circumstances are different.

Answer 1

Sounds like you need to put the bible down for a minute and smack him upside the head with an encyclopedia... He needs to be sat down and shown things... and if you have to treat him like a child to make him understand to the letter what you want, do it... He will either get tired of looking stupid in front of people or you will start getting some thing done... correctly... I wish you luck...

Answer 2

well, your example says that you were both to make sacrifices and he would rather eat out than buy things for the house. If you don't have a bed, he is being selfish; if you don't have brand new dishes, curtains, bath towels, etc. then those things are your priority, while they are not his. Marriage is about sacrifice and compromise and communication. The bible was written by men for men at the time. You can't really take that to the bank. You need to decide who best handles the finances; who bests handles the spending; who bests handles the day to day operations of the house. If that is you, then you should be the one in charge of those items. If he disagrees with that or if you argue over these points, then counseling or seperation are the only other steps. Just remember that men can be very one track minded. They often fail to see the big picture or the long term goals, in favor of the here and now. That doesn't mean they are stupid or childish, it just means that they need a good woman to make sure that the long term goals are met. I handle all of the money in our household....pay the bills, the spending money, everything. He makes the money and I decide how it is all spent. I think that you both need to do some compromising to come up with a plan that works for you both....or seperate. good luck!!

Answer 3

Don't get a divorce , if you think you'll find something better... Because Honey, everything out there is pretty similar to what you have at home now. At least you are not complaining about infedility. So try to use your Mother In Law for your convinience, since he still listens to her. Be a hipocrite and tell her you need her help in helping her son go to a counselling or spiritual leader for advice. Tell her you love her son , and want better things for your marriage. If she doesn't give a ___, then also tell him how you feel, and that you are his wife not his stinky mama.. Tell him , even though you are married to each other you don't have to clean each other's pampers or put up with all that whinning... Pray a lot and do a lot of fasting.. and ignore him too. that works all the time.. Ignoring a man and doing it all yourself and very little sex, will worry him.. believe me. Good luck .. I feel you..

Answer 4

Unfortunately he sounds like a typical man, but that does not mean there is any excuse for his thought process. Men & women need to learn to communicate better. Realize that he may only hear things he wants to, but women also do the same. I would thik that a "couple's" counseler would help you both a great deal. I don't know either of you so I can't personally point fingers. If he is unwilling to see a counseler, why don't you start out going by yourself and see how things turn out, maybe he will change his mind. The counseler may possibly give you some ideas on how to work on things at home.

Good Luck.

Answer 5

Tough situation. Your husband definitely though needs to step up and be a man. Did his mother baby him a lot? Even when he was a teenager? Did his laundry? Does she call all the time?? I mean what it seems to me is hes not ready to be a man. Or wasn't raised to be one. Only thing will work is probably marriage counseling. Or make him look at the checkbook while you're writing the bills and ask him "DO YOU SEE ANY EXTRA MONEY???" didn't think so....tell him if he wants extra then he needs to go get a second job or something. He's got to understand that it was both of you that bought this house, so yeah things are going to be tough for right now and hes just going to have to get used to it.

Answer 6

He needs a reality check. Owning the home is a great investment for you, think of the equity. He needs to man up and take some of the load in the household besides the sex. If he wants to spend money, then he needs to either make more money by getting a second job (WHICH WOULD SUCK) or he needs to save some money each week and let it build up and then spend or go out and enjoy without the fear that its breaking the bank.

Answer 7

I have a husband who is like that too. He works hard but we have 2 kids and he is more into playing video games and watching tv eating out buying junk we dont really have money for. I got him to go for counseling cause I was gonna divorce him if he didnt change. He went 2 times and now he hasnt gone so I am making him another appt with another lady and demanding he go.Try just making the appt and telling him to try it.

Answer 8

The best thing you can do is take care of yourself. You cant be the one to "teach" your husband to be a leader...

I'm sure you realize words won't work.. You can however stop enabling him to be a child and bring you down in the process by your actions...

There is a book called: "I Don't Love You Anymore" by Dr David Clarke. Dr Clarke is a Christian counsellor (i've added his website below)... Your husband probably says he loves you.. but his actions aren't showing real love and commitment...

This book will outline behaviour and actions you can do to set boundaries for your life and not be a victim of his childish ways... It will send a clear message to him .. either grow up, or loose the best thing you ever had...

Answer 9

Talk, talk talk - don't nag. Ask what 'we' can do to work it out? Be patient. Be clear! The biggest problem I've ever had with women is their pretty much universal habit of dropping subtle hints and expecting me to understand. Spell it out - we men are simple folk who use words to communicate, not hints, gestures, shrugs and tones of voice. And please, please stop assuming the problem is his and therefore he's a failure. You point at him, you've got fingers pointing back at you, you know. Unless you want a divorce, you both need to work together. What my wife and I do (and this doesn't always work, but it's better than we used to do) is to try to have weekly or monthly financial meetings to stay on top of things. We also spend a lot of time necking and cuddling so we don't nag and fuss at each other too much. Work together, divide the responsibilities, do whatever works, but you both have to agree to it, and be prepared to negotiate and re-negotiate as things change.

Answer 10

Have you tried sitting down w/him about this? I would try talking to him. Tell him how you feel, if it doesn't work then try going to marriage counseling. I sometimes feel like my husband doesn't understand either or can be a little slow at times, but we have learned to talk about things. We have actually made things better by being able to communicate. Unfortunately, paying bills, etc. are part of being an adult. he needs to understand and I would put my foot down if I were you. Best of luck!!!