This is a rough draft, so it's still awkward, but what do Y'all think?

Question

Retract the rails laid across this wasteland
Boxcars filled with thoughts of redemption
Seeking salvation
Transcendence
Rebirth
An epiphany (for what it's worth)
Is where I missed my stop
Now I don't know where I'll get off
But I can't get any information
About the location of the next station

Which way to the asylum?????

Drowning in a quagmire of toxins
The acid and oil with which
They once baptized the mad
Electric shock therapy
Raising the dead
Parade to the slaughterhouse
For which we are bred

To rise above is blasphemy
A veritable Tower of Babel
Blind as moles we struggle
Towards the light at the end of the tunnel
Personally, I've grown weary
Of near-death experiences
Tired of being railroaded
Into astral projection
I lay down the tracks
That lead from absolution
Please don't resuscitate me this time
I beg you...

Also, help with a title?

Words That Live On: You know, if I mix up the letters and words in your user name, it says "no evil that sword!"
The depression chemicals. I fear them. When does the downward spiral stop and the swimming back up through the depths begin?

Answer 1

cut out 4 of the ?s
call it:
which way to the asylum
i like that line

Answer 2

I think it is time to escape the tunnel like a mole . With light like they offer who needs a tunnel. Being railroaded is what life as an outcast is all about. Save the brain that is left Suffer some depression chemicals for a while then walk upright and free again.

Answer 3

I think Klepto is right. Drop the 4 question marks and call it "Which way is the asylum". May be a rough but I got the images and message loud and clear. Beautifully put lovechild.

I've suffered depression (a decade's worth) and this poetry that comes from that darkness; it's both beautiful and horrifying, so desperate. Makes the reader want to reach out to you and hug you..........................
((((hugs))))

Answer 4

Hi LC...Perhaps a fitting title for this piece could be "Soliloquy for Madness"

Also, think about changing the line..."Now I don't know" to

"Now I don't know which way to turn
When there's no information about the next station
And no soul to share my sojourn.
Why can't they hear me when I cry out...
"Which way is the Asylum from here?"

Answer 5

I like parts of it but it is your poem. What sound good in the mind, does not when read aloud. You might try that and see if you would anything.

Answer 6

I really like it.....profound in terminology. "Searching Existence" for the title.