What's in mean when your husband only wants sex in the middle of the night?

Question

The last year and half my husband has only wanted to have sex when he finally comes to bed 1 or 2 in the morning Or when he wakes up in the middle of the night. He don't want the lights on either We have two kids 3 and 1 I have gained a lot of weight from when we frist met due to pregnancy120 and now 204 I've asked him when the kids go to bed why we can't have sex and he always says he's not in the mood. I even got his mom to pick up the kids all day and tryed to get in the mood. All he says is he wants his friends over now that the kids are not home. I notice he snaps at me a lot more never kisses me anymore and hardly says I love you in less he is saying it back after I do. We married after high school and have been married for 5 years now I don't know what to think anymore I give him sex in the middle of the night but I wounder if he is thinking of someone else, and that would be why he do it when I'm asleep and in the dark So I'm not talking or very little and sees someone else

My height is "5"5. It's not that easy to lose weight with two young kids, and your husband works 8 to 5 and don't want to watch the kids by himself on weekends because he says it's him time to relx.

Everytime I talk to him he gets mad and leaves. Anything I say anymore makes him mad. He wants me to get a full time job and don't want the kids in daycare. The only way to do that is work a 3rd shift and that means no sleep. Nothing makes him happy anymore.

I don't think I should have to lose weight to get my husband to love! HE SHOULD LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM! I got this way from carrying his damn kids. He is under weight "5"5 and 105 and he eats all the time!

Answer 1

Your husband obviously has some problems. When you love someone, you love them unconditionally. If not, then it's not really love. True love means you love them old young fat skinny ugly pretty.... UNCONDITIONALLY. Your husband is being a shallow asshole and thats just low.

This is exactly the reason people will always tell you not to love and marry for looks, cause looks fade. People get old and fat and loose their outer beauty.... but you know what you never lose? That inner beauty. That wonderful personality. If he's being an asshole now because you gained weight, how is he gonna be 30 years from now when you have wrinkles?

To the people who want to judge because of weight, you shut your damned mouth until you have a chance to be fat (and chances are, one day, you will be....). You don't have a damned clue what overweight people go through or why they are the way they are. There are thousands of reason people are heavy.... genetic, depression, over-eating, stupid inconsiderate shallow people..... You have no idea what heavy people deal with on a daily basis... So screw you and the high skinny horse you rode in on.

Answer 2

You most likely will receive a lot of answers addressing the suspicions that due to your weight gain he probably isn't into it as he was when you were lighter. I hope that you don't receive heartless mean answers. However, men are visual vs. women being more emotional when it comes to sex. Sure we women like a good looking guy, but we use fantasy, and romance etc. to fuel our fire unlike men generally.

Your husband needs to knkow your suspicions because it is affecting your self esteem which in turn will NOT help you do better for yourself. I am sure you would like to lose weight and it is very hard to do - but the motivation you need is the love and acceptance from your husband. You won't get this unless you talk straight forward with him about this subject. Don't be accusatory or defensive...just be honest and tell him how you are hurt and want to do what id takes to be closer with him. maybe if he is aware that your feelings are being damaged and that the problem will only worsen if not addressed he will meet you halfway and be honest and open and tender. I wish you the best of luck. Relationships tend to need a whole lot of work on both sides to withstand time. you can't be expected to do it alone though.

Answer 3

It's the weight. I know it is difficult to lose it but you can! If you have someone to care for your children in the afternoons,start walking(if your neighborhood is safe),or if there is a park close by, if that is not an option ,do some light execise with your children at home, while your watching tv or while they take a nap, he still loves you or he wouldn't be there anymore having sex in the middle of the night .When I had my 1st child( I have 4) I told my husband that he had to help me lose the weight just like he had helped me make the baby! Now my 4 children love to go to the park with us so we all keep fit and my 2 year old loves to dance or to sit on my legs while I do some sit-ups at home,once you start losing a little bit of weight you will want to lose some more and try to get your husband involved,GOOD LUCK and GOD BLESS YOU !

Answer 4

Tara, start making little changes in your eating habits and most importantly, try to exercise every day for at least 45 minutes. You don't need to go on a strict diet or exercise like a maniac at a gym. Just cut back on sweets, carbs and fats, and walk as fast as you can for as long as you can. Don't punish or blame yourself for whatever you believe your husband is thinking. But if you don't feel good about your self-image, it definitely affects your relationship in a very negative way. It might not be easy to find the time to exercise, but you can have your husband watch the kids for an hour while you go. I'm certain he'll gladly help you with this. Be patient with yourself and don't try to lose all the weight in a couple of months. You'll notice a difference right away, though, not just in your jeans size but in your mood and attitude. You can do it!

Answer 5

I can't say whether or not he is cheating on you... from the sound of the short synopsis you gave I would say no. But I can affirm your feelings that he is unattracted to you now because of the weight.

I myself hide from my girlfriend and go to bed well before she does, around the same time your husband does. But that is because it is my only time where she is not bothering me. And you have kids which is more of a reason he needs his alone time.
He is definetly less attracted to you if he is only having sex with you in the middle of the night. Think about it he wakes up fresh from a dream, he is groggy, and there are no consequences for having sex with you because he can now just go back to sleep. He doesn't have to stick around and hold you and talk.
I believe your suspicions are founded he is less attracted to you. The question remains what r you going to do about it. You can be madd at him and look for support on Daytime TV from the likes of Oprah or Riki Lake and remain miserable, or you can work real hard at losing some weight.
Lose the weight and then lay down the law with him. I am not a health nut but when you are in shape eveything in life is a lot better and easier. He will repect you more be attracted to you more and so will you.

By the way if he is a fatty get him to lose weight with you.

Answer 6

He is looking at porn before coming to bed to help him with his "desire". It is dark so he can fantasize about the silicone bimbos he was just looking at. I would bet that he doesn't really kiss you or show any true passion for you. He is simply f*cking you because he is h0rny. I feel sad for you, and for him. Marriage is about love, not just sex.

I think you need to have an adult talk with him about this. Tell him how you feel and see what he says. If he will not change, then deny him the pleasure of your company.

For your own health, you should lose some weight. No need to become an anorexic workout fanatic, but try to get in better shape. Not just for you, but for your children. You don't want to have a heart attack when you are 45 do you?

Good luck.

Answer 7

Some people (including me, eventhough I am a woman) get more aroused at night. Could be because of a sexy dream, maybe from waking up too early or going to bed too late and then wanting sex. Sometimes the day is just too busy to find time for lovemaking and afterawhile you realise it has been a looong time since you did it and want it right NOW. Could be that he gets turned on watching you sleep or that since you are in bed with him, what a perfect opportunity to take advantage of you! I have to admit, I get annoyed when my husband does it to me, but I do it to him all the time!

Answer 8

Maybe it has nothing to do with your weight or the kids or anything like that. Maybe it's the way his body works. Perhaps the middle of the night is when his body is at a more relaxed state and he is mentally in tune with his sexual nature. Maybe lazy sleepy sex is a turn on for him. Instead of thinking it must be a problem, try considering the possibility of a fetish or a desire for something that really turns him on. You could open yourself up to a whole new world of fun and excitement.

Answer 9

update - You added extra details which i didn't see. I'll post my answer anyway maybe it'll help someone else. Sounds like your husband just has asshole tendencies and needs professional help for depression. My response really isn't relevant any longer... sorry.
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One quick question, are you one of those women that doesn't want anything to do with hubby until he shows interest in something else?

Not a great situation to find yourself in but then again not terrible. Yes it could be worse but before it gets worse allow yourself to think about these things. When he comes home it may be difficult for him to get in the mood. The same way you come home late and have difficulty sleeping because you need to wind down first, it may be affecting his sexual habits. Another thing to think about, people are inherently selfish, when you ask he may perceive it as work. When it's work to him he won't find pleasure in it and it won't interest him. Remember maintaining an erection requires a certain state of mind. A woman can be unaroused and still consent though you may not wish to do so it's quite possible. There really is no halfway point for a man. Either its up or it's down. The consumption of porn and his routine when it comes to masturbating may be to blame as well. Don't forget his diet, yes the food he consumes may play a role as well. I don't know enough about your relationship history to go any deeper than that. None of these is are a "good" excuses for him not at least trying, I mean after all you do right?! I'm just saying think about it. The problem may not be as simple as you think it is. He may be thinking of someone else, that sounds bad but I read a lot of people do it, I would bet money you've done it before. Worst case scenario would be the weight, no you shouldn't have to change and he shouldn't make you, but if your willing to diet and exercise don't let him off the hook easy. I bet he's got some poundage that could use some shedding or toning. Don't try to insult him into submission though. If he has a problem with the weight he will never tell you. I couldn't see myself telling someone I love that they need to lose weight. Last thing to think about, there is a lot of relationship literature out there that seems to highlight catering to a woman, just remember it's a two way street. Do Verbally address the kissing and I love you issues, I'm sure he loves you the same but he's picked up some bad habits and you know those things die hard. Just mention it in passing every now and then "I wish you would tell me you love more often, I wish you would kiss me like you used too". Chivalry is like mastering a marshal art. It requires constant practice till the day you die. I grew up in a home where people don't express emotion toward anything. It affects me to this day in my adult life. I've had a lot of problems telling people I love them even though I do. Same goes with showing affection. If he's anything like me then he'll have to be "taught" some of the things he's missed out on as a child.

solving the problem:

1. The great compromise - give it to him for a period of time maybe a couple weeks. Then cut it off, make him participate when your ready or not at all. He won't be able to hold out for long in most cases. Dammit don't forget to tell him you want the lights on!

2. Try turning him on - lingerie, alcohol, porn, try new things sexually, maybe even saying yes to some things you may be saying no to now. Don't forget to mention that to him if he's ever said no to anything. I'm not saying your prudish because I don't know but if you are then you can't expect to get everything you want in return. Have you considered making a movie of your own or role playing?

These may not be the words of wisdom you seek. Relationship problems may sound similar on the surface from couple to couple but be assured every situation is completely unique underneath at the dynamics. Be diligent as well as open minded as you seek your answer and good luck with it all.

Answer 10

I knew a woman who was your height has 9 kids all hers and she was in shape. Unfortunatly men are visual people and although you don't want to hear it, if that's what his problem is you should address it. It is your responsibility to yourself your husband and your children to be healthy. He does love you but honestly if your weight is the problem fix it. Nowhere in the vows does it say for skinny or fat. You're not going to fix your marriage by saying love me anyway, be turned on anyways, I am how I am and you're gonna do it all the time with the lights on and during the day. Your going to fix it by being honest with him and with yourself.