What would you say/do to a friend that you knew wasn't happy in her marriage?

Question

I am 25 and VERY happily married. I have a friend of 10 yrs. that I adore. She has been married for about 2.5 yrs. and hasn't been happy since day 1. She moved from a fairly large city where we are from to a town with about 1,500 people. She has a college degree and is working for minimum wage because of the lack of opportunity. She has gained close to 100 pounds since she has lived there which I attribute to being unhappy and her husband said that he will never leave the small town where they live bc that's where is was born and raised. Within a year of being married, she was already talking about divorce. This was a marriage that was rushed and happened before they had the opportunity to really get to know each other. It is the type of relationship where the woman is supposed to be submissive to her husband which is not her. THIS IS NOT AN ABUSIVE REALATIONSHIP. We have talked about this before and she had assured me everything was ok. Do I stay out of it or bring it up again?

Please understand that I DO NOT want this marriage to end in divorce as they have made a promise to one another that should be kept.
I would like real, honest answers about what you would do in this situation, please leave the Bible out of this one.

Answer 1

I would bring it up again and recommend couseling. She should be careful though. They need to do it together, she should not do it alone or go to a "friend" for couseling. It could possibly really help him and maybe give insight away from his small-town mentality. She needs to communicate with him her feelings of self-worth. He needs to understand that she wants to feel valued at a professional level (minimum wage is not respectable for a college grad.)

Answer 2

Of course, I'm sure you told her she needs to talk to her husband about everything. But she must know to go over a little at a time then back off. Typically women can talk about feelings and emotions virtually forever, flowing like the the Mississippi river. Whereas the typical male can only handle a small stream before dropping a dam to stop the flow altogether. (this is an analogy for the guy "putting up a wall" defense mechanism).
She also must not mention "I was talking to this friend or that friend, and she says..." This will almost certainly shut down any chance to resolve an issue as a man will perceive this to be the adversarial situation of "Me vs. Them".
That's enough for now. Good luck!

Answer 3

Stay out of it. A relationship between two people is just that. Its up to her to determine whether or not she is happy, not you. And if she loves the man, she will find happiness in that. You are a friend. This is the man she has pledged to spend her life with. Your job as a friend is to support her, not dictate to her. What would you do if your friends tried to help you manage your relationship with your husband? Just because someone tells you their frustrations it doesn't mean that you then tell them what to do. Your only job is to listen and support. If she decides to leave him she needs to come to that decision on her own without any prompting from you or any other friends. You can have your opinion but you ought to keep it to yourself. It's wrong to try and manage a relationship between a husband and wife, especially if you are not the husband or the wife.

Answer 4

You are showing real care and concern as a friend should, but where marriage is concerned, you stay well out of it, or the friendship will end. I know someone who has a dreadful husband who has displayed mental cruelty, but nothing I can do or say, so I keep shtum. Friendship is support - just be supportive, as you clearly are.

Answer 5

It's not your problem... and even though you are concerned for her happiness, you need to stay out of it.

If your friend brings up the topic, then i suppose you could LISTEN. Don't give unsolicited advice... only offer your thoughts when asked... that is the best way.

Answer 6

First I would like to say I really feel for you and your friend. It is very hard for you to watch your friend be in something that makes her unhappy.

*** g04 5/8 pp. 20-21 Why View Marriage as Sacred? ***

The Bible’s Viewpoint

Why View Marriage as Sacred?

MOST people today would likely claim that they believe in the sanctity of marriage. Why, then, do so many unions end in divorce? For some, marriage is little more than a romantic promise and a legal agreement. But promises can be broken. People who view marriage this way find it quite easy to give up on their marriage when things go wrong.

How does God view the marital arrangement? The answer is found in his Word, the Bible, at Hebrews 13:4: “Let marriage be honorable among all.” The Greek word translated “honorable” carries the thought of something that is precious and highly esteemed. When we value something, we take care to preserve it and not to lose it, even accidentally. The same should be true of the marriage arrangement. Christians are to view it as honorable—as something precious that they want to protect.

Obviously, Jehovah God created marriage as a sacred arrangement between a husband and wife. But how can we show that we share his view of marriage?

Love and Respect

Honoring the marital arrangement requires that marriage mates honor each other. (Romans 12:10) The apostle Paul wrote to first-century Christians: “Let each one of you individually so love his wife as he does himself; on the other hand, the wife should have deep respect for her husband.”—Ephesians 5:33.

Granted, at times a spouse may not act in the most lovable or respectable manner. Still, Christians must show such love and respect. Paul wrote: “Continue putting up with one another and forgiving one another freely if anyone has a cause for complaint against another. Even as Jehovah freely forgave you, so do you also.”—Colossians 3:13.

Time and Attention

Married couples who view their union as sacred take time to fulfill each other’s physical and emotional needs. This includes sexual intimacy. The Bible says: “Let the husband render to his wife her due; but let the wife also do likewise to her husband.”—1 Corinthians 7:3.

However, some married couples have felt the need for the husband to move away temporarily in order to earn more income. At times, the separation has become unexpectedly prolonged. Often, such separations have put a strain on the marriage, sometimes leading to adultery and divorce. (1 Corinthians 7:2, 5) For that reason, many Christian couples have decided to forgo material advantages rather than put at risk the marriage they hold sacred.

When Problems Arise

When difficulties arise, Christians who honor their marriage do not hastily separate or divorce. (Malachi 2:16; 1 Corinthians 7:10, 11) Jesus stated: “Everyone divorcing his wife, except on account of fornication, makes her a subject for adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” (Matthew 5:32) Opting for divorce or separation when a couple has no Scriptural grounds dishonors marriage.

Our view of marriage is also shown by the advice we offer to those with serious marital problems. Are we quick to recommend separation or divorce? True, there may be times when valid grounds for a separation exist, such as when there is extreme physical abuse or willful nonsupport. Also, as noted above, the Bible allows for divorce only when one’s mate is guilty of fornication. Still, Christians should not unduly influence the decision of others in such situations. After all, it is the person with the marital problem—not the one giving the advice—who will live with the consequences of the decision.—Galatians 6:5, 7.

Avoid a Casual View

In some areas it has become common for people to use marriage to gain legal residency in another country. Usually such individuals make an agreement to pay a citizen of that country to marry them. Often these couples, although married, remain separate, perhaps not even maintaining a friendly relationship. Soon after obtaining the desired legal residency, they divorce. They view their marriage strictly as a business agreement.

The Bible does not endorse such a casual view. Regardless of their motives, people who marry enter into a sacred arrangement that God considers binding. The parties of such agreements remain bound as husband and wife, and the Bible requirements for a valid divorce with the possibility of marrying someone else apply.—Matthew 19:5, 6, 9.

As is true of any worthwhile endeavor, a good marriage requires effort and perseverance. Those who fail to appreciate its sacredness give up more easily. Or they may resign themselves to living in an unhappy marriage. On the other hand, those who acknowledge the sacredness of marriage know that God expects them to stay together. (Genesis 2:24) They also realize that by making their marriage work harmoniously, they honor him as the Designer of the marital arrangement. (1 Corinthians 10:31) Having this viewpoint gives them the motivation to persevere and work at making a success of their marriage.

Answer 7

Please stay out of the problem....The problem concerns your friend and her husband...Let them resolve their issues by themselves....Be a real friend to her by giving advices that you think would improve her married life. ..(",)