How do you treat a true narcissist during divorce?

Question

seriously i hate my ex wife for the mess she made and the abuse she lowered on me and my children before i finally had enough and kicked her out. now she's totally forgotten us like most narcissists like we don't exist. what is the best way to treat a narcissist? ignore them totally even if i see her around town? should i show no anger and no emotion? they say narcissists thrive on any emotion you give them like i know i hate her but if i show it she'll feel special even for being hated like she's all powerful to get that type of emotion out of me. any therapist care to take a stab at this?

Answer 1

Here ya go!!! The Narcissist In Court
Used with permission from Sam Vaknin and the Archives of the Narcissism List
For all of you who are facing your Narcissist ex-spouse in court, here are a few pointers to help your side gain the advantage. Following that is some further advice from an attorney.




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The Narcissist In Court

A clear distinction has to be made between the FACTUAL pillar and the PSYCHOLOGICAL pillar of any cross-examination or deposition of a Narcissist.

It is essential to be equipped with absolutely unequivocal, first rate, thoroughly authenticated and vouched for information. The reason is that narcissists are superhuman in their capacity to distort reality by offering highly "plausible" alternative scenarios which fit all the facts.

It is very easy to break a narcissist - even a well trained and prepared one.

Here are a few of the things the narcissist finds irresistible:

Any statement or fact which seems to contradict his or her inflated perception of his grandiose self.

Any criticism, disagreement, exposure of fake achievements, belittling of "talents and skills" which the narcissist fantasizes that he or she possesses, any hint that he or she is subordinated, subjugated, controlled, owned or dependent upon a third party.

Any positioning of the narcissist as average and common, indistinguishable from many others.

Any intimation that the narcissist is weak, needy, dependent, deficient, slow, not intelligent, naive, gullible, susceptible, not in the know, manipulated, or a victim.

The narcissist is likely to react with rage to all these and, in an effort to re-establish his fantastic grandiosity, he is likely to expose facts and stratagems he or she had no conscious intention of exposing.

The narcissist will also react with narcissistic rage, hatred, aggression, or violence to an infringement of what he perceives to be his or her entitlement.

Narcissists believe that they are so unique and that their lives are so cosmically significant that others should defer to their needs and cater to their every whim without question. The narcissist feels entitled to special treatment by unique individuals, over and above the regular "bloke".

ANY insinuation, hint, intimation, or direct declaration that the narcissist is not special at all, that he is average, common, not even sufficiently idiosyncratic to warrant a fleeting interest will inflame the narcissist.


ADD to this a negation of the narcissist's sense of entitlement - and the combustion is inevitable.

Tell the narcissist:

that he or she does not deserve the best treatment,
that his or her needs are not everyone elses priority,
that he or she is boring,
that his or her needs can be catered to by an average practitioner (medical doctor, accountant, lawyer, psychiatrist),
that he or she and his motives are transparent and can be easily gauged,
that he or she will do what he is told,
that his or her temper tantrums will not be tolerated,
that no special concessions will be made to accommodate his or her inflated sense of self, etc.
When approached in this manner, this will cause the narcissist to lose control the majority of the time.

Remember, the narcissist believes that he or she is the cleverest, far above the madding crowd. If contradicted, exposed, humiliated, berated ("you are not as intelligent as you think you are", "who is -really- behind all this? It takes sophistication which you don't seem to have", "so, you have no formal education", "you are (mistake his age, make him much older)... sorry, you are ...old" "what did you do in your life? did you study? do you have a degree? did you ever establish or run a business?" "would your children share your view that you are a good father?" "you were last seen with a Mrs. ... who is (suppressed grin) a DOMESTIC (in demeaning disbelief))", a narcissist will stand the chance of losing it.

I know that many of these questions cannot be asked outright in a court of law. But you CAN hurl these sentences at him during the breaks, inadvertently during the examination or during the deposition phase, etc.
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The following is from an attorney who learned about Narcissism prior to his divorce and was thereby able to have his attorney provoke the Narcissist to totally lose it on the stand:

I am an attorney and have recently gone through and finished a divorce with my ex-Narcissist spouse. I also had my deposition taken (I have taken many myself. I hereby offer you some gratuitous legal and strategic advice which should be no means conflict with whatever your attorney tells you. Not knowing which state you live in, it is impossible for me to offer any kind of specific legal advice, and it would be improper for me to do so anyway. I scored a perfect "100" in my deposition taken by my Narcissist-ex and lawyer. I adhered to the following rules:

Never look at the Narcissist. The lack of attention will be very upsetting to the Narcissist. It is a kind of narcissistic injury. Do not acknowledge their existence.

Whether their lawyer believes their BS is irrelevant. There is an old reworked saying - "Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a Narcissist scorned". The lawyer may try to rattle you or make you uncomfortable. Ignore such attempts. Remain calm, cool and professional and answer all questions honestly and slowly. Give your lawyer time to object before you answer.

Most Important!! ALWAYS tell the truth even if you think an answer to a question will make you look foolish, silly, or anything else. Do not attempt to explain your answers to make them sound better. Keep your answers brief and to the point. Do not ramble or tell stories.

Regarding Depositions: Just remember that the purpose of a deposition is not to change anyone's mind. The purpose of a deposition is to "freeze" your testimony in writing so that any change or departure at trial can be used to hang you. That is why it is so important to tell the simple truth and not to embellish. Do not try to prove yourself right or Narcissist wrong. Just remember - if you lie, you die!

The time and place to deal with the Narcissist is in the courtroom. Let your lawyer do his job. Family law judges are disgustingly used to the lying and emotionality that goes along with divorces. You must at all costs wear the white gloves and do nothing to indicate to the judge that you are sneaky or vengeful.

To summarize the most important advice:

The real trick to beating a Narcissist in Court is twofold in nature.

FIRST: To catch them in a lie when they are on the stand is sublime.

But, you must have ABSOLUTE, UNCONTROVERTIBLE proof of the lie, proof that is admissible in court by rules of evidence or by unassailable testimony. When confronted with the impeaching evidence, a Narcissist will react with fury, more lying (which will be visible to everyone except the Narcissist) and will in general actively discredit themselves.

SECOND: The second part of the process is more subtle. If possible, your counsel should structure the cross-examination of the Narcissist to bring out and allow the Narcissist to magnify his or her grandiose self. It is often enough just to let the Narcissist be himself or herself. Emotionally-healthy individuals can generally see through the false self and discern the true motives of the Narcissist.

Remember, though, at the end of the day, family law courts are generally not interested in the emotional aspects of your divorce. Most states are "no fault" divorce states, and even though judges are people and have emotions, generally they are interested in numbers and custody issues. Judges do tend to ignore all the drama, but if you can get a Narcissist to lie under oath and properly expose them, this will have a bearing on the witness' credibility with the judge.

That is why it SO important for us to tell the truth at all times no matter how foolish we may think we look AND for us to conduct ourselves in a Calm, Rational and Dignified manner.

Answer 2

Narcissistic Injury Divorce

Answer 3

Love your question. You are correct in that narcissistic personalities love drama and the attention because the world is all about them. Your best course of action is to just act natural and act as if you are way too busy for her. If you run into her, tell her, sorry, I have an appointment right now. If she calls, tells her sorry, I'm just on my way out the door. Be sure to never call her or never return her calls. You will find that she will begin to create reasons to call you just to get some attention. Don't fall for it. Put a big smile on your face and tell her you are going to meet someone. When she asks you who, just say, sorry, don't have time to talk. I always recommend that (regardless of how you feel), make it a point to answer at least 3 ads each day on aol.com, match.com or eharmony.com. When you answer those ads, give at least one compliment to the woman's ad and how she wrote it. You'll feel better, promise. And, good luck.

Answer 4

if you hate your ex wife, then it's a good thing she's an 'ex' wife.

let her live her own life, and IGNORE HER!

why bother with her at all? i don't see why you need to? she's gone, you can now continue with your life with some element of peace.

if your children are suffering because she's absent from their lives, they really need to know it's NOT their faults... and that they are still loved by you. do whatever you have to in order to preserve their emotional health.

Answer 5

Do exactly whatever your attorney told you to do. Keep the contact as minimal as possible.
Once my daughter came to live with me and I asked for no support, I never talked to my ex-wife agin. That was 14 years ago and it did me no end of good.

I only dread my daughter's wedding ,someday. My solution to that will be to just write my daughter a check and not give my ex a chance to start conflict with me. My daughter is strong enough to fight her own battles.

Answer 6

best way to get back is for you and your family to find happiness and be complete again.

them people can't stand seeing others happy.

Answer 7

no contact