@@ Can you write an amusing MYSTERY story that includes 6 of these phrases?

Question

I can assure you...This is not homework...Just good,wholesome fun on YA.

1. Quick! Somebody write all of this down.
2.The clues are staring you in the face, my good fellow.
3. Okay.......Now the maid is missing.
4. If he isn't dead he's a VERY good actor.
5. And where were YOU when the lights went out, my sassy little friend?
6. I think the Polish doctor is a bit of a loonie.
7. I tell you, I was listening to my Paul McCartney and Wings CD the whole time.
8. Yep. Yep. I see your point.
9. Did you know in this dim light you bear a striking resemblance to Elmer Fudd?
10. Hmmmmm. Yes. Yes. Hmmmm....QUITE the little detective, are we?

Answer 1

SOMEONE DID IT TO THE BUTLER.

It all started when the Polish doctor who lived in the large house on the hill at the end of Elm Street called 911 to report that he had found his butler dead in the master bedroom. The 911 operator asked “Are you sure he’s dead?” to which he replied “(4) If he isn’t dead, he’s a VERY good actor. He’s been lying there for over an hour.” “An Hour?” she asked. “Why did it take you so long to call?” He replied, (7) “I tell you, I was listening to my Paul McCartney and Wings CD the whole time and it runs about an hour. You understand don’t you?” (8)“Yep. Yep. I see your point.” she replied, even though she thought he was one song short of a album.

Anyway, that’s why I’m here now, one dead butler. I had heard about the 911 call and knew a bit about him from articles in the paper. (6) I think the Polish doctor is a bit of a loonie but not a killer. He had to be on the suspect list since he found the body, but I didn’t think he would be on it for long. I introduced myself and was about to begin questioning him when he confirmed my impression of him by asking (9) “Did you know that in this dim light you bear a striking resemblance to Elmer Fudd?” I replied that indeed I had been told that many times by my wife (but that’s another story). He found that quite amusing I could tell, but he stifled a laugh.

He began to look around the room as if confused. “Are you Okay?” I asked. After thinking for a few seconds he replied, “No. I’m not (3) okay… Now the maid is missing.” “The maid is missing?” I asked. “Didn’t I just say that?” he responded, adding sarcastically (1) Quick! Somebody write all this down before he forgets what the case is about.”

I didn’t take his sarcasm well, and began to suspect there was more to this suspect than I originally thought. I asked where he thought the maid might have gone. “How the heck would I know? If he wasn’t dead, you could ask the butler; she’s his wife.”

I went to the master bedroom and examined the scene of the crime. I noticed the master bed was unmade and it appeared that two people had occupied it. I also noted the lipstick on the cigarettes in the ashtray by the bed. I was pretty sure the doctor didn’t smoke, but was positive he didn’t wear red lipstick. The butler seemed to have died from a blow to the head from a blunt instrument. Eying the room, I noticed a blank area on the night table where the ashtray was. Dust covered most of the table, except for that one area, indicating an object had been there not long before. An idea began to form in my mind. (2) “The clues are staring you right in the face, my good fellow.” I thought to myself. Finally, it came to me and I returned to speak to the doctor again. This time I was not so nice.

“You were having an affair with the maid weren’t you doctor?” I said aggressively. “Me” he laughed. “Don’t I wish?” “Then whose cigarette butts are those in the ashtray by the bed, yours?” He tried to stammer out an answer, but nothing came to him. Finally, he said, “That damn girl never did clean anything in this house. If her husband hadn’t been such a terrific butler and if she didn’t have other talents, I’d have fired her long ago.” “She kept showing up in my room in that little maid outfit, and I just couldn’t help myself.” “So tell me what happened tonight.” I said. “It looks to me like he must have caught you two together and she hit him with a lamp from the night table. I notice there is only one of what should be a set of lamps.” (1) “Hmmmmmm. Yes. Yes. Hmmmmmm…Quite the little detective, are we?” he stammered out. “Indeed that’s exactly what happened.”

He eventually spilled the whole story and was charged as an accessory after the fact and impeding an investigation. We caught her at a local motel reading by the light of the lamp she used on her husband.

I would never have figured it out if it weren’t for the cigarette butts and the dust on the night table. I guess the moral is, if you are going to have an affair with you maid, make sure she dusts and empties the ashtrays once in while.

Answer 2

"Yep. Yep. I see your point, my good friend. Indeed I do see your point." I said to my assistant Watson as we pondered over the case. The sight of blood in the otherwise neat home was troubling. Oh such a horrid sight! The poor man had been bludgeoned to death with a heavy object that was yet to be located. My small but impressive detective firm had been called in by the wife who sought our help in tracking down her husband's killer.
"Okay.......Now the maid is missing." said Watson as he puffed on his pipe. Oh, how I hated the smell of tobbaco. He continued, "The clues are staring you in the face, my good fellow. She must have killed him and run away."
"Hmmmmm. Yes. Yes. Hmmmm....QUITE the little detective, are we?" I said to him witha slight shake of the head. He never seemed to be able to look behind the surface of things. My dear friend Watson. But he was like a faithful dog and could always be counted on in an emergency. But his little grey cells were not just up to my level of discernment. I saw the pale looking, Polish doctor hurrying away and I quickly blocked his path.
"How is the madame?" I asked him stroking my well groomed moustache that curled up at the ends.
"I say," he began staring at me strangely "Did you know in this dim light you bear a striking resemblance to Elmer Fudd?" I didn't know if that was a compliment or an insult. But I chose the latter.
"Thank you," I said to him
"Well the madame is holding up well, considering that she saw the body first." he said still staring at me strangely. I was uncomfortable with his stare especially as he seemed to pay an unusual attention to my crotch area.
"And the man," I asked "What do you think?"
"If he isn't dead he's a VERY good actor." he said
"I know he is dead," You moron, I thought to myself. "I meant what do you think of his death?"
"Well, come to think of it, I do need to write a medical report. Blazing socks! I should do that now before I forget the details. Quick! Somebody write all of this down." he said turning to Watson who took out a notepad looking confused.
"Blunt force trauma to the head with a heavy object. Suffered a major concussion and deep vein thrombosis..." I left them to interview the madame who sat on a couch in the living room. I think the Polish doctor is a bit of a loonie.
"My condolences, Madame," I began pulling at my moustache and studying her intently. She seemed to be studying me as well. She looked more restless than mournful. And I thought that interesting.
"Thank you," she murmured. "Err...what next?" she asked
"How do you mean?" I asked
"Since the maid ran off, with your connections with the Police I guess it is an open and shut case?"
"Not so fast, Madame. Can you tell me what exactly happened again?"
"I tell you, I was listening to my Paul McCartney and Wings CD the whole time. We heard a knock and he went to answer it and he never came back to bed."
"And you never cared to see what became of him until you woke up this morning and found him dead?" I asked
"It sounds strange, Monsieur Poirot but I was tired and slept off."
"Did you invite me to smoothen out things because of my police connections? Or to find out who killed your husband?" I asked.
"I beg your pardon!" she said getting to her feet in confusion.
"Sit Madame," I implored her. "Did you notice that your husband was hit on the left side of his head? And that you are left handed?" I asked
"And so...?" she asked breathing hard.
"A left handed person would swing at you from the left, Madame." I said quietly. I could hear the wall clock ticking.
"What are you suggesting?" she said through clenched teeth.
"That you killed your husband, Madame. You paid off the maid last night with a cheque and asked her to travel far and never return, so it would like she killed him and ran away. You bought her a one way plane ticket to South Africa, where she has some family. I have a friend who works in your bank and I pulled some strings and got some info. Your husband was having an affair. You had a bitter quarrel last night and in a fit of anger you bludgeoned him to death. He was a small, frail man."
"I didn't mean to kill him." she gasped in tears and ran out of the room shielding her face. Watson was still taking down notes for the Polish Doctor while I had cracked the case.

Answer 3

I can but what if I do?