How do you harden your heart to a cruel family member especially with Christmas around the corner?

Question

How do you deal with a sibling constantly putting you down, blaming you for all the woes in their life? We are grown adults how can it be my fault what happens in that persons life?

I am sensitive and caring, I don't try to hurt anyone's feelings and when I have an opinion and think it is right I stand by it. If it goes against this person than I get a mouth full of verbal garbage (abuse) detailing how much of an idiot I am and it just escalates.

Can a person harden their heart, I just want to get along what do I have to do to have peace? I feel like I am getting repeated stabs in the heart whenever I get hurt from what this heartless abusive person says to me.

What should I do with Christmas coming up and knowing this person predicts it will be bad because of me there. I can't take it anymore.

Christmas was the best holiday we all get together now I am willing to let it all go just for some peace.

Thanks so much everybody for replying, I am glad you guys are still up to respond, wow you are making me feel so much better with all your answers already....... :)

celestial-zen---no it is more complicated than that I have kids and husband and we go to my elderly parents place, it's tradition, all the kids look forward to it as do I, and my sister (she's the one) is the same family wise with kids etc....so complicated and sad.

Robert G--instilling fear theory is very interesting.
Darby--I agree she should stay away but it is much more likely that she would like it if I disappeared entirely.

Gonna think on it some more, Shazzer nice words, so many of you very nice comments thanks, Believer you too.

Answer 1

The problem here is that you're living in a world where guilt makes your decisions for you. It's evident in the way you phrase the question even - you're not talking about 'hardening your heart', you're talking about having a healthy respect for yourself and not letting anyone else, sibling or otherwise, treat you in an unhealthy fashion.

Surround yourself with people who like you, and weed out the people who don't, because family is entirely where you *find* it.

Just because someone happens to have a similar DNA signature to your own doesn't give them special trampling rights.

Answer 2

Well, when I say I understand, I really do. I would suggest you make an appointment with a therapist ASAP. Tell them you have self-esteem issues. or abuse issues. First off, we are all entitled to have a voice and to feel free to express ourselves and hopefully do it in a calm way. We have a right to respect. Next time this person starts their line of crap, bring them up short and tell them you've heard enough and what they are saying you think is ridiculous and has no basis in fact and they have to stop talking that way to you. Try to make it more diplomatic than that if you can. If there is something in the past that may be triggering this behavior, simply say that it is in the past and you are not living in the past any more. Rather than you sitting this Christmas out for the sake of peace, I think the troublemaker should be told to that if they think Christmas is going to be bad that they should just plan to stay away at Christmas this year and away from you until they can learn to talk civilly because you have plans to have a wonderful, peaceful Christmas filled with joy for a change. Until you start to stand up to this person, they are just going to keep on pushing you around.

Answer 3

You need to remember WHO YOU ARE and QUIT WORRYING about this other member of your family. Obviously they feel threatened when you are around and by lashing out at you, they know it will make you feel bad. Well, guess what? It's working. Time for you to have some PRIDE and stand for what you believe. If the holidays are too intolerable, make plans to visit your family when that person is not there. You should not give up your holiday, a time of joy, peace and love. It should be celebrated, not dreaded. The nicest part will be going home when it's all over and remembering what a great time you had. Good luck!

Answer 4

That really sucks. Are you single? Because what I used to is stay at my family's Christmas celebration for about an hour and then leave to go to his family's, it was so much more peaceful. did that for five years, after that, we broke up and ended up at my parents for the whole celebration, but would make it a point to leave either to my room if I lived there or to my apartment. Now i am married and don't go there at all because that person (my mom) never changed. Believe me, she has caused so much pain in my heart that I rather not see her and love her and see her especially on such a religious holiday and hate her for the rest of my life.
We can only take so much. If someone says sorry that means it is because they were not suppose to do this again. But if it just keeps going and going, then be brave be smart, you don't want to hate those you love. Sometimes being apart is what is needed to bring you all together.
Best of luck to you!

Answer 5

Do you know that until you put you foot down you will never have total peace. You keep ignoring and smiling and letting things slide is making this person think that it is OK to do that to you. This is the year to say hey it's not my fault you are your own person and if you can't get a life and move pass what you think i did "DON'T COME AROUND ME WITH THAT NEGATIVE B.S" sometimes Family can be your own down fall and you have to choose what's best for you peace of mind. So if that person starts leave and apologize to the rest of your family by saying I re4ally wanted to have a good time with family but enough is enough and I'll see y'all next year maybe we can get it right that year!!!!!!! then go home and be @ peace with the one person that means the most YOU!!!!!!

Answer 6

Sounds to me like you are too sensitive and caring. If someone is a jerk, they will still be a jerk at Christmas. Why are you leaving yourself open to further criticism and hurt?? So what if it is Christmas? Christmas alone will be better than Christmas with this jerk. Stop letting people walk all over you, and get a backbone. Stand up for yourself!!!Tell your family that if this family member is going to be allowed to act like this, you won't be joining them this year. This is what you are going to have to do, if you truly want peace. Find some friends to spend the holidays with, or treat yourself to a trip someplace you've always wanted to go to. Your family will get the message that if they want to have you around, they must stop the abuse, and if they don't get the message, you don't want to be around them, anyway.

Answer 7

You should not have to change how wonderful you are because other people can not get their crap together. If you are constantly being abused by your family member(s) emotionally have you tried addressing these problems to them and how you feel? If you have and they are still acting like that then only deal with them with a long wooden spoon.

It's always the mean spirited people in the world that turn the few nice ones left into what they are. Keep being you and just don't deal with their nonesense blank them out.

Answer 8

Ask God to help you be a peacemaker when you get together with relatives this Christmas. After all, the Bible calls Christ the "Prince of Peace" (Isaiah 9:6), and when you gather on Christmas you should be seeking to honor Him. Yes, some of your relatives may be difficult—but can you honestly say you've done all you could to bring peace to your gatherings?

How can you do this? First, ask God to help you refrain from topics that are likely to cause argument. The Bible says, "Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down" (Proverbs 26:20). If those subjects come up, gently but firmly refuse to participate in any discussion. Instead, come prepared with a list of neutral topics—what others did on vacation, for example.

Most of all, ask God to help you focus on Christ and His goodness to you as a family. Pause to thank God for your food before the meal begins, and share with others what He has done for you during the last year. God loves your family—and with His help you can, too.

Answer 9

this person is a bully.. pure and simple and very very jealous of u for some reason.. they put u down to make themselves feel better...u dont have to spend the holidays with them go see ur parents b4 xmas eve maybe leave your gifts.. show lots of love and then go have ur holidays with friends or people who enjoy your company.. christmas is not a sentence you need to serve... if u have ur own family stay at home.. and have a blast with them or invite ur parents too u> if they wont just say this year i love u but im doing!!! whatever u want.. if they love u they wont mind... i think ur sibling has issues going back to childhood and thats all they are.. a childish immature brat having a tantrum because they are not the centre of attention and ur kind behaviour and the way u run your life shows them up for who they are. and that is themselves that make them feel they way they do.. its not ur problem sweetie... you can choose ur friends but dont suffer fools gladly.. as they are doing the damage all on their own.. people are not blind love... rise above it.. ur ok as u r x xx hope all goes well and have a great christmas love from the uk

Answer 10

well i know how you are feeling, i dread Christmas day every year, as i don't get on with my in laws, but i go and bite my tongue, keeping the peace for my elderly mom in law. Ive been doing this since i met my hubby 15 years ago. the rest of the year i can avoid going the same time as them. my sister in laws have tried to cause so much trouble for me over the years, but a genuine, honest person always comes upon top. you will do the same, you are a lovely person,you are better than your sister any day and don't forget that fact, hold your head up high and be proud of yourself.