for people who have been married for a long time....?

Question

how did you do it? me and my husband have been married for only three years and are on the verge of divorce! we love each other dearly, but there have been soo many fights over money and him going out with his friends all the time...everyday problems are starting to wear down our relationship! for those of you who have been married a long while, how did you do it without losing each other?

Answer 1

Both of you sit down together and read the vows you spoke to each other when you got married. Those words had meaning. Somehow you have forgotten. I'm only hearing one side, of course, but if what you're saying about spending that much time with his friends is true, he is still very immature. He needs to be reminded that he made a vow to live a life with you, and for you. Not for his friends. Money problems can be dealt with through sound financial counseling but will only work if both partners take the advice seriously and work together as a team rather than independently of one another. My wife and I have a certain degree of autonomy, but that developed over almost 30 years as a result of the trust that was built up between us. I won't say that it has always been easy, but divorce was never anything I ever considered even when I felt my lowest, because I took very seriously those vows I spoke. I think divorce has become the path of least resistance because society in general no longer frowns upon it, the legal system has made it too easy, and vows aren't taken seriously. They've become words spoken out of ceremony rather than really meaning anything. Please sit down and see if what you spoke that day still means something to you together.

Answer 2

We were open and honest and did not blame each other for any of the problems. I would start by saying - this may or may not be true, but it is how I am feelings; all I can do is tell you how I am feeling; not that it is right or wrong. He would not get immediately on the defensive then. Also, we would laugh about the hardships; like - here we go again - another medical bill or the car broke down; just what we needed. And at those times, we would not blame each other, but would support each other and really know that things would work out. They always do and did.

As far as his going out with is friends. If it is not almost every night, then why worry about it? He is entitled to enjoy male companionship as you are entitled to your female friends companionship. Look, if a man is going to be unfaithful, he will do it no matter if he is out with is friends or someone who is home every night. Don't worry about something that hasn't happened. And don't dwell on the negative; it is there; you must handle the problems, but dwell more on the love and caring you two share. It doesn't matter who is right or wrong; it only matters that you two communicate and are honest and loving and respectful of each other. Complimenting each other helps also; everyone likes to get a heartfelt thank you once in a while. Hang in there; you will make it

Answer 3

My theory of marriage:

The first 3 years you are both psycho testing each others boundaries and establishing trust. Once you figure out all the fighting and f***ing and no one has left you can move to contentment till you reach years 6-8 also known as the 7 year itch. You'll be so parched for a little attention from anyone cause you quit believing him when he said you were beautiful the day after you got married. Of course if you survive this without doing something totally stupid (or doing it and being forgiven and going to couples therapy) you can enjoy a second honeymoon period, which will last another 6-8 years. At this point your children will be closed to grown and have established their own life, you'll be neck deep in your careers and saving for college for kids and retirement, plus working towards that big old jump on the corporate ladder that you may lose sight of the marriage. Men at work become more intriguing, and you may consider doing something stupid again. But then you hit yourself in the head an realize all these fools are also either married and moving through aforementioned stage or divorced and unstable. According to my mother this is the rinse and repeat cycle.

Somewhere along the way you realize that your spouse knows you like no other. You have trust and history and that makes it all worth it.

Answer 4

Well I haven't been married for a long time (just over a year) but I know what got me this far... Make sure that your being together is more important than ANYTHING you can fight about, be it money, friends, kids, jobs... My husband and I will yell and fight for days, but in the end we always make up because nothing really is worth fighting over if it means we're not going to be together. If these other things are more important than being with your hubby, then maybe you should get a divorce. Or counseling.

Answer 5

When people are growing individually, they sometimes grow apart. It seems your husband is still growing. In order for a relationsip to last there has to be respect for each other and alot of communication. Not just talking in general and not fighting. Conversations that let each other know how they feel on the inside, what is bothering the, These conversations have to be just that...talking, not yelling, not out doing each other, no he said, she said stuff. Real talking. If you really love each other dearly then you will bea ble to discuss things, not fight about them. Marriage isn't about control, it is about compromise and sometimes lots of it. Just remember NO relationship is ever 50/50. Someone always gives more, but as long as each of you are giving and not one gice and one take a mutual respect for each other will happen. When there is mutual respect everythig flows alot easier. No marriage is perect and long time married people have had their fights and troubles, the question is whether to stick it out. Is it going to be worth it? That is only a question you can answer. Can this person be what you want? Don't try to change him, that would be wrong. He has to be willing to change himself or he will be miserable by your nagging. It is a long hard road, and you have to be willing to give it the good try, but don't sacrifice yourself in the proccess. Good luck.

Answer 6

First of all a happy marriage can not survive battles over money. You have to sit down with each other and work out a budget. It might seem hard at first but it will get easier - especially when you see that you are starting to save some extra money. With that extra money you should take each other out to a nice dinner or movie. Spend time together and invite fiends to go with you or invite them over to your house. Don't separate each other from your friends. Include friends in what you are doing and include each other with what you are doing with your friends. It's important to have friends but If you really want to be married then why would you not want to include each other in what you are doing?

Answer 7

Not married, but my LTR is about as long as your marriage (I want to finish law school before I tie the know). I can tell you that we hardly ever fight, and the reason why is mutual tolerance and respect - I abide by the 80/20 rule - as long as I am OK with 80 percent of what he does, the other 20 can slide. You have to compromise. Also, try to keep reminding yourselves of why you are together in the first place. Keep doing the special things that made you fall in love. Spend time together like you did when you first started dating.

Answer 8

I would like to know too. My husband and I were married for 5 years and recenlty divorced. We separated part time 18 months prior to the divorce, while trying to figure out if we wanted to stay together or not. My parents were married for 26 years (until my father passed away) Good Luck in your search.

Answer 9

I been married for 5years so its not a long time but as a younger couple thats been married since we were both 19 it seems alot longer. We had the same problems and just cut back on alot of things...listened to one another instead of yelling / fighting and we go out together rather then just him or just me. Hope I helped some

Answer 10

i have been married for 6 years now, and as all couples we had our ups and downs especially in the first year of our marriage which we decided to get divorced but we waited longer and it worked....
our problem was the people around us that he couldn't separate them from our life! i was 18 and he was 22 which they thought we were kids...

to keep our marriage in the safe we decided to limit getting involve with others either family or friends,
whenever we have a fight i just keep my mouth shut until he finishes and after half an hour he would cool down and THEN i start talking to him...
the day he want to go out and see his friends i would go out and see mine too, and we have one day a week for only both of us which we go out for a diner or stay home and watch a movie..

try to move to a new place, even for a short period, let say a short holiday for both of you... then make your decision
good luck and i hope things will work out x