My mom's dying; what can I do?

Question

I am an only child dealing with a mother with terminal cancer, who also recently lost her home. She has been significantly depressed since I was a child, at times suicidal. This news has furthered some of her negativity. We have an emotionally fraught relationship. As a child, my life was very stressful and in some ways abusive. The trouble is, I don't know how to support myself or my mother right now. She lives in another state, so I try to call often. Usually I am met with a lot of negativity regarding the world around her, as if I am a sounding board. It's hard. I am a good mother, a good student, a good worker, and strive to be a good partner. I feel most of my stress comes out during my time with my partner, as it is the only time I feel free enough to do so. It isn't fair to him. I feel like I am breaking down, and am striving to deal with this while providing the best I can for my own family. Does anybody have any advice? This is really difficult for me.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement and compassion. I do call her, and usually refuse to talk until after she has vented, not adding more to the conversation. She does not wish to see myself or my family when I offer. I can't send her money because she lost her home because of her gambling addiction. I have been seeing a counsellor and a couple's counsellor, as it isn't just happening to me. It's just very hard. My mother is only 58. I'm in my 20s. I didn't think I'd have to think about this yet.
Blessings to all of you that are offering your advice.

Answer 1

Wow, that's a tough situation. I am sorry you have to go through such turmoil. Here you are trying to be supportive to a mother who was abusive to you as a child, who is emotionally disturbed, extremely negative, and is dying of cancer.

So I know that despite a lot of mixed feelings you have toward her, you feel you can't say any of that. You just want to be kind and supportive, and even that doesn't appear to help her feel better. And being supportive is complicated by the fact that you have a huge load of emotions and bad memories of her that you need to work through.

Sounds to me like you need a sounding board yourself, someone you can talk to about all of your feelings and history with mom. So I suggest you get some counseling right away from a psychologist, social worker, or certified counselor. You are seriously in need of emotional support and guidance. For other sources of support, you may be able to talk with your close friends or your partner.

For now, you need to emotionally separate yourself from your mom as best you can. Allow her to ventilate, but realize that that is about the best you can do. You can't fix her emotional pain or her physical pain. So don't beat yourself up if you can't seem to help that much. You can mainly just listen. That means a lot to a dying person. Good luck, and remember to get some help for yourself.

Answer 2

Hello Need,

In truth there is not much you can do, given the nature of the illness, and you are living in another State.

I know that the feeling of helplessness, can be over whelming, and leads to a lot of frustration. I also know what it is like to be an only child dealing with terminal illness of a parent.

Calling often is a good start, and praying might provide comfort for your soul, so my friend said in his previous answer. We live only as long as we live, and man knows not the number of his days on the planet Earth, untill we are given the calling home.

It sounds like you have had a troubled relationship with your Mom. Please learn from the experiences you had with Mom, and remember that were some good times as well. Take comfort from the Family that you are buiding with your Partner.

If there is a long weekend, available soon, and Finances permit, maybe Mom can find some comfort from a visit from her Grandchildren. This can sometimes provide a benefit in reminding Mom that you still love her, and accept that we are all human, and prone to mistakes. It may also provide Mom with an oppourtunity to clear the air between you.

Losing a parent is never easy even in the worst of relationships, but we should strive to close all old wounds before it is too late. If you make the attempt and fail then you will have at least tried, and proven to yourself that are better friend, and parent to your own children.

I hope this helps.

Answer 3

I think you've been given some excellent counsel from caring people.

As I read the question, the main hurt point is mom's "negativity"...I would bet the rent that you try to talk her out of her 'negativity' and that you not only cannot do it, but you find yourself in a 'tug of war' with her; increasingly stirred up, frustrated and angry and significant other catches the fall out.

IF this is so, and it is easier said than done. STOP IT. Let her be negative !! Be supportive of her, not her attitude; which is the same as 'letting go of your end of the rope'..in the tug of war.

To the suffering soul who cannot live without her mother - YES, YOU CAN AND WILL. The two of you are not one flesh and, while she's still breathing, may I suggest that you cut the umbilical cord ! Cause if you don't, when she dies, it's gonna be real tough on you.

Free advice, take it or leave it. But, remember it was given in a spirit of love and helpfulness.

Answer 4

The only thing you can do, so that in the future years you will feel no guilt, whatsoever regardng your mom is:-

Keep phoning, ignore her negativity. Tell her how much you miss her. Send her some money, only as much as you can afford. Do not take from your family to make her feel better.

I compliment you for the life you have made for yourself and your family, but I feel that if you completely cut your mom off, you are going to have so many regrets later.

Do the best you can. Keep it positive with your mom by ignoring her negativity and talking to her with love. You don't have to answer her, just listen.

You are right and your mother has been wrong in the past and is wrong now. However, for your own sake, do the best you can and no more.

It sounds like she has been like this for a long time (negative and abusing) and I understand why you do not feel close to her. I am honestly, not thinking of her, I am thinking about you.

Not only that, if you are the BEST You can be your life will be so much better. than she has chosen to make hers. Everyone has choices in their life and regretably your mom has chosen to be miserable. You can choose to be happy. There is nothing you can do about her cancer, but please, whilst she is alive, be loving and kind and you will feel good about yourself when she is not on this earth anymore..

Pay as much as you can afford, ONLY. Even if it is only $10.00. Positive feedback will not cost you anything but your self respect will go down the drain after she passes and you feel guilt.

Peace and love.

Answer 5

I can not say I know exactly how you feel because no one will ever know how you feel. But I can understand your situation because I am going through quite the same thing with my mom. My mother and I have a difficult relationship full of hard times. I had a bad child hood and have now have some mental problems because of it. But I also love my mother very very much. SO much in fact that I love by this..."I can't live with her, but I would die without her." You see she also has a terminal illness. The difference is that I am here with her everyday. So I acutally get to watch first hand my mom dying. I am not going to say it is ever easy because it isn't. Adn as far as the past goes. I know things were hard, but the fact is...your mom is dying. You need to be there for her as best you can. The best thing to do for yourself is have support. Talk to the people you love....If they love you back they will support you and help keep you up. The best thing for her is for you as her daughter to support her. Try to keep her spirits up. I have a military family and My dad is 9000 miles away playing in the sand of Iraq so things are really really tough right now. But the best thing I can do for my mom is be strong....for her sake and my own because if I lost it then things would just get worse. And another....pray, just pray. He will hear your plea and help you through it in what ever way he can. Trust me on this. I have been watching my mom die for 6 years, She has a degenerative disease that takes it time and is very painful for her. She often talking about being tired and wanting to give up. I just try to comfort her and reassure her and above all I let her know I am there for her and that is the best support a person can have. Just knowing that they are not alone. My life has been anything but easy, But i know that everything i went through, my mother went through as well, just from a different prespective. And i know that it is time for me to give back a little of what she gave me.....support, love, caringness...everything. Also.....counseling is not a bad idea. I hope this helps you.

Answer 6

You are not in a good place but it will improve. Be sure to include you partner in your trauma. Don't shoulder this alone. Tell him how much stress you are feeling and ask him to please be patient when you are a jerk. And ask him if he could help more with the house and kids. I'm assuming you both work. And usually the wife comes home after work and has the house to clean, the kids to settle, dinner to cook, etc, etc, and the male usually sits down with his feet up because he worked all day and needs to rest.

I'm going to be cold now. Your Mother is the past and was an abusive past and you DON'T OWE HER. Don't feel you have to solve her problems. She made choices and now she has to life by those choices. If you act as her sounding board OK but when you hang up the phone, hang up the whole conversation. It's not your life and you can't fix it. It's her life!
It's like the tough love taught to parents. You can only do so much for your children and then they have to sleep in the bed they made. Only in your case it's the child doing tough love to a parent. Just be glad she is not having to live in your home! Mercy that along should cheer you up. I loved my Dad but I was sure glad my step-mom was there to take care of his ornery hide.

bless you

Answer 7

There really is nothing you can do..... just be there for her and let her know you love her and it's OK that she has to go.
Sometimes the terminally ill feel guilty for not being able to stay longer. let her know it's OK for her to pass on. But don't be surprised if she vents on you. Just like you vent on your partner.

I'd also suggest getting some grief counseling.
Grief comes to us in stages.... you will continue dealing with these different stages all your life in regards to the deaths of close loved ones.... learn all you can about this and how it might affect your family.

last but not least.... pray. God answers every prayer.

My mother died one year ago this Sunday.
It's something that you will never forget.... you have the choice to deal with it in a healthy manner or an unhealthy manner...
do what's best for your family but mostly do what's best for you.

Peace to you.

Answer 8

You have a lot on your plate but remember one thing " you are not responsible for your mothers health". We all have to be responsible for the choices we have made and it sounds like your mom has made some bad ones. I would encourage her to find The Lord and put herself in his hands. Prayer can perform miracles but a close relation with other Christians certainly can relieve a troubled soul. You should do like wise and continue your studies so you can make something of yourself in the future. Bless you and good luck.

Answer 9

PLEASE consider seeing a counsellor about all this.

Dealing with unresolved issues regarding someone who is dying is the time when you should deal with them Don't wait.

I would encourage you, in addition to counselling, to write a letter to your mom. You don't have to send it or give it to her. Just write, about all the things you feel you missed in childhood. Your wishes, your feelings and thoughts. THIS exercise will help you to process your own unresolved feelings involving her and yourself.

God Bless

Answer 10

I agree with Lyn, go with her advice it is gold.
God bless you, I will remember you in my prayers.
Please think about this, prayer changes things. It won't change the past, the disease your mom has, probably won't even change negativity. It will change your ability to deal with this. It is a heavy burden, let go and let God.