My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years this month. We have only been married for about 9 months of the total ten years, and our first year of marriage has been rather rocky. Before we got married we could count on one hand the number of times we fought. Now it seems as though that is all we do, lately we argue at least once a week and it's driving me crazy. Most of the time we are arguing about something he doing or has done. Serveral of the reasons are that he has co-workers over at least two or three times a week to play madden, another reason is he's not a compassionate, or affectionate person, he's very critical, and our relationship is all about him and I am so busy trying to make him happy all the time so we won't fight I bottle things up and never tell him whats bothering me because he as though I need to deal with it. He gets mad when I talk to my best friend about things and not him but why would I talk to him when he is so critical.
2007-11-08 07:45:19 · 45 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Communication is key to any relationship. You had been happy for 9 years and just recently married, what has changed are your perceptions of how things should be. Not as they were for the past 9 years. Perhaps these issues you have noted are not issues, but minor annoyances that you feel need to be addressed or changed. Your answer: don't sweat the small stuff. You've had the time there to see everything the man is, he has nothing to hide and you should not expect something that was not there for 9 years to occur spontaneously unless you suggest it to him. I'm sure he would be happy to know the things you would like and work to those goals, but you have to tell him or teach him. It takes time to learn new habits. Be patient, be happy, and don't sweat the small stuff.
- Mike
2007-11-08 08:01:34 · answer #1 · answered by Special K 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
"Several of the reasons are that he has co-workers over at least two or three times a week to play madden, another reason is he's not a compassionate, or affectionate person, he's very critical, and our relationship is all about him and I am so busy trying to make him happy all the time so we won't fight I bottle things up and never tell him whats bothering me because he as though I need to deal with it."
Did he not act like this before you got married? I don't understand how everything could change in 9 months.
2007-11-08 07:57:34 · answer #2 · answered by Paula Christine 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have been together for 10 years but married only 9 months?
Did you live together before you were married?
What has changed except the walk down the aisle and the paper.
I suspect what has changed is your own view of your relationship. Now that you are "married" you may be projecting all of your own attitudes of BAD MARIAGES
onto your own. You waited a long time too get married and the reason may also have been your view of what happens in a marriage. Now that you are you act like this is how marriage is supposed to be.
This is sad. Try some therapy.
2007-11-08 08:11:20 · answer #3 · answered by Flagger 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why the change in him all of a sudden? Did he always pay more attention to friends than you? I would think it is somewhat hard for someone to up and change overnight. If there wereminor problems that bothered yo uin the relationship before marraige, those things should have been worked out before you ever thought of walking down the aisle.
He also needs to take marraige more seriously. You are his wife and he has made a commitment to you not his friends. Have you thought about counseling, either for yourself or as a couple? This is something that both of you will eventually have to work on together. You can't work on a relationship alone, so he needs to be willing to participate. I do not know how to get a man to not be so critical, I'm delaing with that myself.
Your best bet is to talk with him calmly, let him know how you feel, but try not to point fingers because this will only make him mad and push him away.
Good Luck!
2007-11-08 07:53:40 · answer #4 · answered by colleenjp78 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋
You could have dated him for 20 years you still would not have seen this coming. I can honestly say that the first year of marriage is the hardest. It will get better. Just remember when you date your not fighting over money as you really don't care if he spends money on his car or he could care less about how much you spend on shoes. Also, he feels he has you.
What is the point of making everything a fight? NO, man wants to be married to a nag. You need to pick your battles
You need to speak to him ask him what he expects from you as far as your job. You need to let him know what you expect from him as far as his jobs. Who is going to (take out the garbage, do laundry etc) Once your clear then should be less stress.
Good Luck
2007-11-08 08:05:57 · answer #5 · answered by Kat G 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I find it hard to believe that all of these problems have introduced themselves within the past 9 months. I think it's more likely that these problems have always been there, but now that you are finally married you are letting him know how you feel because it's much harder for him to leave you now.
On the other hand, your husband needs to understand that he's no longer a bachelor or in college and having friends over to play video games after work everyday is immature and unacceptable. But you need to tell him this and not just go nag to your girlfriends. Sit him down. Be polite about it. Maybe it would be a good idea to go see a marriage counselor to be a good intermediary.
2007-11-08 07:52:32 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
Something kept you guys together for 10 years. Why did you guys get married? Was it out of love for each other or the fact that you were together so long already that you both felt obligated to make that commitment? I hear so many stories of couples that were together for so long and then finally get married and are divorced in no time. Your marriage isn't doomed yet, but it is going to take some work to make things right again. But you both have to be willing to talk and listen to each other and compromise on a solution.
2007-11-08 07:56:29 · answer #7 · answered by CENT174 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
The mistake here is your communication problems. He has a right to get mad when you talk about your problems with your friends. You should be talking about them with your husband. And keeping things bottled up inside is one of the worst things you can do.
If you want to make this relationship work I would suggest counseling so the two of you can work on your communication and compromising. If you really think that this was a mistake, than get a divorce. But just because you get a divorce doesn't mean life gets any easier!!
2007-11-08 07:56:14 · answer #8 · answered by TroubleRose 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Sounds like you both had different expectations of what 'marriage' would be like...
There's an old saying, "Women go into marriage believing that their husband will change...Men go into marriage pleading to GOD that their wife doesn't!"
Basically, he probably wasn't affectionate or compassionate when you were dating- why should you expect that would change? Did he play Madden 3x a week before? Well, why not now?
Don't try to make him happy- just be the person you were prior to the marriage!
2007-11-08 07:53:54 · answer #9 · answered by TheAnswerManCan 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
10 years and you just realized all this? you two need a better way to communicate, maybe go on a vacation or something. Anyways,It's definitely not a mistake dear, boys are different than girls, as a matter of fact everyone's different. Him wanting you to talk to him more than your friends is simply because he likes you a lot and doesn't want to feel like you prefer someone else over him, or feel more comfortable talking to other people. And the argues are normal in every relationship (to a limit). It is what keeps you two closer believe it or not.
2007-11-08 07:49:33 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋