Why is the one who cheated the only one blamed, again?

Question

I understand all the responses I received while ago when I posted that question. I accept full responsibility for my actions and no one made me do anything I did not decide to do. I am not trying to blame my wife or say she drove me to do it. I am not looking for justification, sympathy, or condemnation. All I am trying to say is: the other spouse, whether they realize it or not, in most cases, is responsible, to a degree, for the affair. My wife and I had many long discussions about the affair, she was open minded enough to sit down and listen to the what I had to say. I did not blame her, I told her how I felt. Agreed, it should have happened before the affair. There are two sides to every coin. One thing I learned for sure, the grass may look greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed.

Answer 1

Your spouse can contribute to reasons a person feels the need to have an affair, but the final decision was yours. Be honest, I bet if she were asked how many times you gave her reasons to stray and she decided against it there would be many. Justification does not make this right.

Answer 2

Hi, I do have sympathy for you. I was getting the bed room action at home, but was not getting the attention out of it that i so craved. my friends where all very understanding and encouraged me and swore they would never betray me.
The affair lasted a couple of weeks and was over 8 years ago. The guilt ripped me apart inside for years and when i finally was happy and content with my husband my good friends betrayed me 18 months ago and i am now looking at Divorce!
No affair is worth it in the end as everyone will pay a very high price !

I agree with you entirely that in most cases, The other spouse "IS" responsible, to a degree, for the affair as it would never have happened in the 1st place if the marriage was 100 %
And your own lawn has 2 green keepers tending it full time, and not just part time!

Answer 3

What?
Since when did getting married entail constantly babysitting the husband (or wife) 24/7, being on call for raw wild raunchy sex (or lovemaking for the women) 24/7, and mind reading 24/7 while working a job, taking care of the kids, And cleaning house, And being personal playmate and best friend and the only source of attention with no sleep, And seeing that All needs And desires of the potential cheating spouse be met before the radars of seducers pick up on that?
When that is included in the marriage vows, then I think that the wives or husbands of cheaters will admit to more responsibility, or more than likely, almost no one would get married or get together in a long term relationship.

But I can understand being Tempted to go out and cheat and not doing it, but rather talking to one's spouse. My husband's previous abuse, his cheating behaviors, his calling me whore repeatedly (when I had tried to save myself for my spouse and did not have enough experience), comparing me to other women, and telling me no one else would want me, then turning around to tell me he will offer me to his friends.

I do believe if the Other person, the 3rd or 4th or 5th wheels (and so on) who Know what he's doing (or she) should be avoiding this spouse at all costs instead of enabling him/her, so there should be Some culpability on the seducers, but not 100%. After all, it was the cheating spouse who decided in the end to drop his or her britches, kiss, romance or flirt back, and allow the seducing process to even get past the desire to do it. When the spouse decides to not take it to the faithful partner or seek help Before the temptation becomes too great or decides to not make a decision, then where should the blame be? 100% on the other partners? I don't think so. Most of the blame should be on the cheater, then the cheater's partners (even if they did not know, they could have tried to find out if he was really living with his sister or if that woman he was kissing was his wife, but in this case it drops a little to much less blame here than if they knew), and IF the spouse Constantly Falsely accuses and/or Pushes the person out the door, And abuses the person who was previously faithful and tried counseling and avoiding people who wanted to take advantage, then maybe the wife (or husband) could take more blame than the faithful person who is Capable of making mistakes not meaning to not know (or mindread) what the cheating spouse really wants Before the cheating spouse has that important discussion.
And sometimes the cheating spouse just wants a little variety or spiced up love life from people Other than the one being faithful just because of boredom and playing games with the single partners' lives and minds convincing them that he's free and single too. So in that case, yeah, I would only blame the man 100%.

Answer 4

sad you had to learn the hard way that the grass on the other side gets mowed too! and sad to learn that you should have communicated your issues w/ your wife before the affair, too late... =(... basically, noone has reason to have an affair, noone makes anyone have an affair, so I do disagree about 2 sides to every coin in all cases of cheating/affairs... =(... I was talking to a guy who was going to divorce his wife because she left a blanket on the floor for a week... so what... big deal... such dumb reasons to walk out! for better or worse was the vow... people seem to forget them... =(... when something or someone is not "perfect" =(... in my opinion, wedding vows should be kept up on the mantle as a reminder... good luck to you...

Answer 5

I think that maybe you are using the wrong word. The other person is in no way "responsible" for your affair. Although the actions, or words, or lack of..may have contributed to what you felt, or did not feel, in turn causing you to reach out to try that other "grass". But the actual responsibility falls on YOU alone. Only YOU can make the decision to take action on your feelings, and you have to understand that no matter what issues happen between you and your partner, turning to and outside source was a decision all YOUR own.

Answer 6

I would say both of you are responible for the break down of the marriage. But your wife didn't take your penis out of your pants and put it in another woman. She's not to blame for that. If you are unhappy then you discuss it and try to work it out. If you want sex with other people divorce her. You could even bring her home a STD. Condoms are not failsafe. You say you did not blame her but you do, if you didn't then why are you asking this question? You're both to blame for the problems in the marriage, you are guilty of the affair. Quit trying to blame other for your 'mistake'.

Answer 7

It takes two to tango, however, there is usually one partner doing more of the toe-stepping on.

And the grass may be greener on the other side, but it probably is astroturf.

The person that did the most wrong-doing accepts their faults in the demise of the marriage and accepts the consequences fairly.

Oh, and yeah, cheating is the most cowardly way out. Communicating is key.

Answer 8

I understand what you are saying. When I was married my ex did everything she could to push me into having an affair. She was just looking for a good reason to leave me, one that her family would accept. Well, I didn't have an affair and she divorced me anyway and now her family thinks she is nuts. But the point it is when you are married....you should be committed to your spouse. That means you don't cheat. Another example..........if you wanted to go swimming and you looked out into the sea and saw a huge shark out there would you get in the water knowing that you have a 50% cchance of getting attacked?

Answer 9

Simple.

You take all the blame for cheating because it WAS all you.

Did you give her the opportunity to head this off?
How much effort did you put into fixing your relationship issue before you went outside your marriage?
How many repair steps did you exhaust before you cheated?

You catch all the blame because , frankly you did the cheating.
There is no excuse for cheating. If you have irreconcilable differences propriety dictates that you deal with them before you move on to anothers bed. If you differently you abrogate
your ability to put any blame on the other party.

Answer 10

I agree with you to some extent.
When there's an affair going on, in some cases, even the one who didn't know, can be responsible for it; allows it to happen.
I think it's mainly when people take their partner for granted.
Or when they have low self esteem and would rather hide behing ignorance, or hide from the truth to protect what's left of their dignity and to cling to a false reality.
Others are just blissfully ignorant. They seem to think that they are married to Mr or Mrs wonderful.
So, they are either too self confident or too wrapped in themselves to listen and pay attention to the needs of their partner.
Now, as I said, to a certain extent, which means that those cases I stated are not true for all.
They unfortunately happen and when we can't necessarily blame someone from wanting to cling to a pretense of marriage, happyness, we still can see from outside that if they could just try and dare confront the truth, they might not feel worse for it.
It's bound to make you feel better to be in control of your future, of your present and to participate fully in the development of your life.
I know it's easier said than done. But, once you tried it, you do enjoy it.