why is the one who cheated the only one blamed?

Question

I had an affair on my wife about 8 years ago. I am not trying to justify it or say it is right, it is not. But the other spouse in their own way or ways is very much a contributing factor. So the blame lies with both, one chose to express it in an unfaithful manner. Yes, my wife and I are still together and things are great. The other spouse needs to sit down and seriously look at their own lives what they are doing that led the spouse to cheat. Again, it is not justification, but it is reality, it takes two to marry and three to cheat. I know some of you will blast me for having an affair, but once a cheater always a cheater is not true.

Answer 1

I once heard that an affair is not the cause of a breakdown in a marriage, it's a symptom. While I don't condone cheating, generally speaking happy people don't cheat. (Obviously, there are some selfish, serial cheaters out there. I'm not talking about them.)

We all know that when a relationship breaks down, cheating is not the answer. But someone in an unhappy relationship is more susceptible to an affair than someone in a happy relationship. Kind of like someone with a compromised immune system is more susceptible to a cold.

Having said that tho, what other steps did you take to improve your happiness BESIDES cheating? Was your wife even aware that you were unhappy in your marriage? Or did you expect her to read you mind.

It's very rare that only person is ever entirely at fault for something like this, but I don't think you can truly expect your wife to take HALF the blame for your affair. Even if she is 10% at fault for your marriage not fulfilling your needs (or 20%, or whatever), that still puts you in the position of accepting the majority of the responsibility.

Sorry, and good luck to you both.

Answer 2

Because by cheating you are hurting more than just your marriage--it ripples out to your spouse's family if they find out, your children if you have any, the person you cheated with, and their family (especially if they are married too). As you yourself said, "It takes 3 to cheat".

And also because two wrongs don't make a right. If you aren't trying to justify it, you need to acknowledge that the right response to whatever the non-cheating spouse did or didn't do that was a "contributing factor" would be to express your feelings, seek counseling, and work through it without escalating the situation and breaking the vows in such an extreme way.

Because it is so desctructive to trust in the marriage. Beyond shifting blame and forgiveness and all that, there is an incredible wall of hurt and mistrust and disrespect that adultery causes that is extremely difficult to overcome. (By the way I commend you guys for being able to get past it and stay together--I'll bet it wasn't easy.

You do have a point, and every situation is different, and if you guys have worked things out, more power to you. But that was not my experience. My cheating ex tried that blame game on me to excuse his actions, and was too proud to even admit fault except when he thought it would somehow benefit him monetarily. He actually did me a favor by cheating and leaving. I had put up with his abusive, misogynistic crap for way too long because I wanted to keep my vows and make the marriage work "for the sake of the kids", and because I really didn't have what I felt were Biblical grounds for divorce prior to that. He gave me the no alternative way out that turned out to be much for the best. But the sordid details of the affair still haunt me in that I hope my kids don't ever have to find out the worst of them--living down a scandal in a small town can be a pretty big bad ordeal.

I guess all the responses and opinions you will get on here will be colored by people's personal experiences and perspectives. I'm happy for you that your marriage is back on track, and I hope that you mean it when you say your cheating days are over. Most of all, I really admire your wife for being able to believe you mean that.

Answer 3

It's easier to blame things on the cheater while the marriage is on the rocks. The fact is the other takes the moral high ground as a shield for his/her problems with the relationship and uses the "cheater" actions as the principle cause. The word "cheater" itself puts the principle blame on that person who had the affair. They are the ones who cheated on me! etc.

An affair is the most damaging thing one can do in any relationship because it hits on the core trust between a man and woman. Most marriages can't survive that sort of hit and causes questions in one mind can they ever trust that person again. Sometimes the affair is just the tip of a iceberg of problems. It takes a lot of working together to overcome such problems and still be married.

Sometimes problems that bring on affairs can't be fixed and end up in divorce. I give you and your wife credit surviving the affair.

Answer 4

Both partners may be responsible for the marriage being rocky, but that's not necessarily true.

But the cheater is the one who decides to cheat, and blaming your spouse is ducking your own responsibility. If the marriage was bad enough to lead to cheating, then you should have either gotten out -or- taken steps to fix it.

You can blame your wife for whatever things she was doing that were "wrong", but you chose how to act on the situation you were in. She didn't force you to have an affair, after all.

Answer 5

From experience I understand. I also asked this question and I got blasted as well. But, the truth is that most people forget to "look in their own mirrors" when answering such a touchy question. You are not the first person or the only gender which cheats or is unfaithful. Anyone who is unfaithful is afraid of being alone or being judged or being mistreated in some way. They are afraid of being honest with themselves and the person they are being unfaithful too. Afraid of being honest about how one feels can hurt the very person they supposedly care for. Looking back I can honestly say that I should have been honest and up front with how I was feeling mistreated, instead of being unfaithful. But, my exspouse was such a dominating person that talking to her about issues just made her angry. But, it turns out she was also being unfaithful as well with a co-worker. Yes, the break up still hurts and I always wonder what if. But, we are both remarried and happier than we were when we were younger.

Answer 6

You are right...you are not justified in your cheating/affair....but you wife should take an honest look at herself and see what she may have been doing or not doing that led you to stray.....I also agree that once a cheater always a cheater is not true....we all make mistakes and deserve a second chance...not third, fourth and so on....

I don't see that you are blaming your wife for your cheating unlike some folks......they don't know your entire story....Your wife could have become a cold fish and denied you sex.....and that is something that she should own up to.....but under no circumstances can she held responsible for you cheating...you made that decision on your own....I think that is what you are trying to say...

Answer 7

Hi...

People have affairs.. it happens; however, i don't see why you are worried about the person you cheated with, and whether they looked at their life or not? Who cares what they do, it's over.

YOU were the person who made the choice to cheat... it was your decision and you acted upon that decision.... you say the other person was a "contributing factor"... did they hog tie you and threaten you to cheat? I doubt it... you made a choice they were willing....

If you cheated on your wife, there might have been some underlying reason, besides the fact the other person was available. I suppose that if you ever have the urge to do it again, you might consider whether there is a problem with your marriage, and face that, discuss it with your wife, and try to come up with a solution.

take care.

Answer 8

Because there are other options than that of cheating which the cheater didn't take instead. Cheating is the easy option and requires nothing from the cheater in addressing the actual problem, while giving them an excuse for their conduct, which you are displaying here.

Nobody makes you do anything. Everything in life is that of personal choice. You alone are responsible for the choices you make concerning the situations you encounter. Others may have conducted themselves so that your choices become rather limited, but you still make the final choice out of what is there.


It's funny how if you aren't happy then you don't take the harder option of getting a divorce. If you did that, then afterwards you could be with whomever you chose and you wouldn't be cheating.

Answer 9

ok, i do honestly see where you are coming from. in fact, i'm living it now. but really, look at it this way.
yes, i will give you that much in the fact that what was or better yet wasn't in your marriage before the affair is a contributing factor. but you are failing to see that it was your own lack of resposibility for yourself and ultimately to your marriage. yes, both parties need to be able to fully express themselves, take responsibility for all they do or don't do, so on and so forth. but you never said if you even tried to address "issues" that lead to your unfaithfulness.

i'd suggest that if you ever want to add a third party into a marriage that isn't quite 100%, make sure it's a certified therapist.

Answer 10

any way you analyze it, it is still justification. if the cheater sat down before they cheat and evaluate the situation first and speak to their spouse before they cheat then it would have been avoided. if you talked about your feelings in the first place you two would have figured it out. no the other spouse is not to blame , because they were walking around in the dark and you did not even try to give them a light to see that there was a problem.