How should I handle this situation with husbands daughter.?

Question

My husband has two kids 1 girl and 1 boy from a previous marriage (he married young). Now his kids are grown his daughter is 20 with 2 kids and his son 19 with 1 kid. The only time they call there dad is when they want something or need help with something, I see that but he doesn't. His daughter will lie to get what she wants and I have brought that to his attention and every time his daughter calls and need something he always jumps to his feet and go to her rescue but when his son calls and ask for something he always turns him down. I asked why does he always jump to help his daughter and why can't he say no to her but he always responds with "she's my daughter and I'm her dad". And I tell him she only calls when she wants something other than that you don't hear from her unless you call her, she never call on her own to see how you’re doing. He makes so many excuses for her actions and I am getting tired of it. Two weeks ago was his birthday and he did not get a call

From either of his kids. Until the next day his daughter called and left him a voice mail wishing him a happy birthday. That weekend my husband wanted to go dropped off a birthday card and a cake for his daughter birthday (her birthday was 2 weeks before his) I was thinking why? I told him you already called her on her birthday and wished her a happy birthday, so why do you need to do any more. He said he has been wanting to drop of a birthday cake and a card for her. I told him she is a grown girl and has a boyfriend with 2 kids why do you need to bring her a cake? He said I was jealous of her. That got me really upset. The only reason why I think he put her on a pedal stool is because maybe his daughter reminds him of his ex first wife. If that was the case he divorces her long ago and they were only married for like 8 months, at the time he married her when he was 19 and divorced when he was 20, now he’s 39. I just don’t understand why he thinks of her so highly.

She don’t hang around the right people always having people/friends in and out of her apartment and she lies all the time and her father knows she lies to get what she wants. I just don’t feel conferrable when I am around her. How should I handle this?? Anyone in the same situation have any suggestions? The next time she calls and need help with something should I not go with him and let him go by himself?

Answer 1

Maybe what he said about you being jealous hit home. -Maybe you are jealous of his kids; especially his daughter and you feel threatened because you think she looks like the ex. -Sometimes the truth hurts.
Either you can get over it or move on. Either way, you'd better face it... His kids come as a package deal. You knew he had kids when you met him. You didn't have a problem with it then, so why do you after all this time have a problem with it now. He is always going to be their father and be in their lives. Either you can support him, or you can be the odd woman out. How hard is it for you to accept his daughter, love her like your own? That is what a real woman does. Except his kids. That is where you will shine in your husband's eyes. -Think about it.

Answer 2

HI,

The previous answers seem to have it right, if not in an oversimplified way. The bonds between daughter and father are often stronger than between father and son. At least it is not uncommon.

Fathers have (often again) an overprotective tendency when it comes to their little girls. So, this "nesting" instinct is hard to get rid of later in life.

I think what is best to remember about this, that you are dealing with deep emotional feelings in your mate, which can rarely be accessed or modified simply by rational talk.
And since there is an emotional attachment to both you and his daughter it is doubtful he would hear reason from anyone but a third "un-interested" party.

Remember there is no worse deaf man that the one who does not want to hear.

I sincerely wish you the best with this issue.

Answer 3

It could just be daddy syndrome, where the father always believes he has to look out for and protect the daughter. It could also be that his daughter has made several mistakes in the past while growing up which he bailed her out of, and he thinks he constantly needs to continue this behaviour. Or that she took the divorce badly and he feels this is the only way to keep her in his life. Or that he feels he neglected her somehow when she was growing up. Or a combination of these or other reasons. Usually people have more than one reason for their behaviour, and if it is an automatic behaviour as this one is then it tends to be something deep seated and rooted in the past.

Since he allows the children to treat him so shabbily then he likely believes he deserves it whether or not it is true. He definitely needs to adjust his self-esteem. Without that he will always give in to their whims.

And everyone who tells you it isn't your problem are wrong. He is your husband and his welfare is your concern. And since his children's behaviour, especially that of his daughter's, takes away from the marriage of you and your husband, then you have even more right to concern yourself with these issues.

Answer 4

Unfortunately he's only hurting his children by being there for them at their beckon call. They are old enough to have children of their own, then they are old enough to take on responsibilities that come from that.

The kids are his kids. And in turn, if they need something for their kids, those are his grandkids. They should be calling him on his birthday and they should be making regular phone calls as opposed to just when they need something. You are correct, he's being used. But again, they're his kids.

I'm sorry that people say "those aren't your kids" because that's unfair, but being in your shoes I'm sure you're plenty used to that and much worse. They are kids you are connected with and kids that you are now partially family to because you married their father.

Your husband is going to do what he's going to do whether you support him or not. So you need to completely disengage from it and stop worrying about it because it won't change. I know, easier said then done. But you'll stress less about it if you stop caring.

I wish you luck. You're in a tough spot. Hang in there. If you love your hubby, then stick it out. The kids will have to grow up eventually!

Answer 5

I can't believe everyone is OK'ing the huge difference of affection for the boys and girls .. and women wonder where chauvenists comes from ..

I don't have an answer except to say that when he deals with is daughter (or son) HE has to .. now if any of that comes between you two, then you can step in .. but in all honestly you can't (or shouldn't) say anything .. as it's not your daughter ..

Perhaps when your hubbs trusts you enough to talk about her then maybe you can use reverse psychology and show him what a user she is .. other than that, all you can do it sit and watch, sadly.

Good Luck!

Answer 6

Why not worry about your OWN problems and let your husband take care of his? Apparently, he catered to the daughter long before you got married, so why would he change after saying "i do" to you?

Sometimes it's best to take a good, hard look at the person we are marrying to figure out whether we can live with their habits.

Your husband is enabling his daughter to use him, but that's not your problem, either... let it go and worry about your own stuff... there is no sense causing an uproar over this.. especially when it was going on long before you and he got together...

Answer 7

Parents put on blinders when it comes to their children. It's a fact of life. Since you don't have the parent "bond" with his children, it is easy for you to see the behavior for what it is. I don't know that you will be able to do anything to rectify the situation. They are his kids and have probably been spoiled as children and has just continued. What bothers me more is that he treats his daughter differently than his son. That's unfair to him. I would start pointing that out to him. The next time his son calls and asks for help and he declines, I would question it.

Answer 8

Leave it alone. THAT IS HIS DAUGHTER! you have no say so. You know what you were getting into when you married a man with kids. So now that is what you have to deal with. He should be able to take his daughter whatever the heck he wants and NOT get questioned by you. Your suppose to be his wife. How dare you question your husbands motives on wanting to do something nice for his daughter. The lies don't matter, he has unconditional love for his daughter.

Answer 9

This is a tough one. On one hand, you married him knowing he has 2 other children and how he handles his children is up to him. They are his kids not yours. You can express how you feel but if you let this bother you too much it is going to ruin your marriage. On the other hand, if helping his daughter involves your money too then YES...you have every right to decline what you feel you need to for his daughter. This just isn't a comfortable situation to be in. I feel for you and hope that you can find a solution to this never ending situation.

Answer 10

I believe that you should let HIM do what he feels he wants to do with his kids. I mean no disrespect to you but I don't see why you would even bring it up. That's his little big girl and just let him do what he has to do. Don't go with him unless its an event that you must show up with him.

It really seems that you have something personal against his daughter. I am just someone from the outside looking in.

Let him do what he feels he needs to do. It has nothing to do with his ex. I believe he feels that he owes her. What? I have no idea.

Good luck hun.