I need some advice.....?

Question

I have been with my wife for about seven years now and we have a nine month old son. I would say for the past two years things have been different, we fight a lot and dont really have much to talk about. My wife has had a very hard life, her mother died very young, abuse and attempted suicides. So at times she is very hard to deal with.... actually almost insane. I think this is really beginning to get to me but I try to make things work for her and most importantly our son. I feel like I get no respect or appreciation, I work six days a week and take care of our son at night while she goes to school. All I ask is she take care of our son and clean up around the house but lately that has not been happening and she complains about how I dont show her any attention or help out. I feel like I do more than my share and Im really tired of it. Of course this is only my side of the situation, as she may see things differently. We have talked but it only seems to help for a short time.

Any advice would be great, thanks everyone!!

Answer 1

Having a baby is about the most stressful thing anyone can do. Not only are you working yourself to death, you are probably doing it with no sleep.

I think you need counseling, but my real advice to you would be to get some sleep. I'm not kidding. You need to send the baby to the grandparents for a weekend, and then you and your wife need to spend it together and alone.

Don't take any phone calls except from the grandparents who will only be calling in an emergency. Plan your weekend retreat with good food, good wine, movies, books, massage oil and bubble bath. The rules are that you do not talk about what's wrong with your life, and you do not talk about the baby. Nap as much as you can, and mix with talking about things you are interested in, reading to each other, watching movies, bathing together, giving each other massages, and sleep, sleep, sleep.

Reconnect with what you love about each other, and embrace the changes that life has brought to each of you. You need to stop blaming each other for things you can't control. Your wife needs to be in counseling to help her find peace with her past, or she will bring all of that into her mothering and that's not fair to your son. You both need to decide what is important, jobs, school, each other and your son are important. Having some clean clothes, a clean kitchen and bath are important. Nothing else really matters, and for this time of your life, simplifying your expectations is the way to go.

Good luck and don't give up. Really, get some sleep.

Answer 2

Sounds like the usual....7 years into a marriage, then a child (more responsibility), and one or both spouses in school.

Consider this: no marriage is EVER the same after having children. I can't tell you why, but, because I am one, you need to know that women change, probably more than men, after childbirth. It's the motherly thing...it's the nurturing thing. It's the responsibility thing. And, in extreme cases, some women suffer from post-partum depression. So I'm guessing all this hasn't helped her problems any, right?

Add to that her schooling. That also is a great undertaking.

I think you both have a lot on your plates right now. I would hope that for the sake of your son, you continue to be receptive to each other's feelings and thoughts. Keep the communication going. Keep in mind, also, that you love or did love each other. And, if you just can't reach some kind of a solution, you should seek counseling if you truly want to save your life together.

Best of luck to you...I hope you can work things out.

Answer 3

I'm sorry you feel this way, your wife may be going through a hard time right now, it is not uncommon to have women experience depression or frustration after having a baby, now if you say she has gone through a lot and has always been hard to deal with then maybe both of you should consider getting some type of professional help, she may need to work on some unresolved issues and it may be worst now that she is a mother, as far as you are concerned it sounds to me like you have been supportive towards her and a good dad, I would in a caring manner discuss the possibility of working together and talking to someone about how you feel (a professional) meanwhile try to continue being supportive and understand that this is a phase that you as a family can surpass.
Good Luck,

Answer 4

O.K., the house and wait, Get a reliable sitter for the baby. Then take your wife on a walk in the park or if it is affordable, rent a motel room and just be into her. Talk about everything but work and problems, LAUGH! The problems with her mother etc... have been happening for 7 years or more, your son is just 9 months old, but sometimes us women just need the little extra, life has become all bout serious, lighten up this load on both of you. Try to repeat this about once every 3 months, the first time can be your surprise, but the following times can be a prearranged date for you and her. Good Luck.

Answer 5

Me and you are exactly alike in our situations. The only difference is that my son is 8 months old. We fight all the time (we never used to before the baby), I work 5 days a week and go to school while she stays at home with the baby. She cleans maybe once a week. She doesnt work or go to school but she has a degree, which I dont. All I ask is that she show me some affection or anything but it seems that she doesnt have any energy left for me. The best advice that I can give is to make a date night, thats what I started doing, we leave the baby with my mom in law, and we go out and reconnect with one another.

Answer 6

Well, you already have your answer!

You said, "she complains about how I dont show her any attention or help out". Great! You have your solution, sir.

It is very, very good that she opened up to you enough to give you some direction. I know you are tired and weary, and feel slighted that she is doing the things you are doing, but the entire goal is to resolve conflict, and work things out so both you and her have the needs met.

So.... go the extra mile. That's "love" in action. Do "extra" to show her extra attention, the way she needs it, and extra things around the house. When you do something, let her know "I did this, honey. I care about you and making you not feel overwhelmed. I'm here for you."

Understand, that if is truly a need for her, than once you meet her need, the automatic nature is to recipricate, and you'll be back on track with the love and respect going back and forth.

Be very precise to her that you love her and want to make her feel loved, special, and give her extra attention. You are ahead of the game simply by her communicating the need, rather than keeping it in to explode later. Kudos for her, and for you by meeting those expressed needs!

Make it work!

Answer 7

wow. I know someone in a similar situation. He is still there for the sake of his son, and he does everything around the house.
If you are truly unhappy and your marriage is not a good home environment (even for your child) you should seperate from her. Maybe take things slowly so at least you can remain friends for your son's sake. That way you can still be involved in special events together (ie son's birthday).

Maybe go to a counsellor as well. You don't want your son growing up in an environment with arguing parents.

Answer 8

Be there for her and try and get her to talk to her parents... By her talking to them gives her more options on wether or not she wants to keep it or even adoption she has more options now than she will later. Her parents will find out eventually just make sure it's not to late. And be a good friend and try and help/guide her to make the choices she wants and not what anyone "wants" her to do because she am has to deal with it later on in life no matter what she decides... And like the girl before said her parents will grow to the idea and yes there's a chance they'll loose it but the won't hurt her or the baby. So encourage her to make her decisions that will benefit her in the end.

Answer 9

My first guess is that your wife is going through depression. Depressed people lose the desire to do well like not keeping the home tidy, have bouts of anger, etc. My suggestion would be to encourage her to talk to a counselor together. If she feels that you are singling her out as the "one with the problem," she will probably resist. However, a marriage counselor will often recognize the depression and guide her to the help she needs.

Answer 10

Im going through almost the same thing as your wife. My husband actually called my mom and asked if there was a history of Bi-polar in the family. I know I am very hard to deal with. I know when I ask him that I need attention this is what Im wanting - hugs kisses saying things to me that makes me feel good (you look really good, even if I shoot it down and tell him to f*ck off, lol, it stills makes me feel good.) She is depressed. I was depressed for 2 years and in denial. Im going to theripy along with my husband and we are getting things ironed out. Good Luck!!!