could any relationship be construed as abusive in some way or another?

Question

it pretty much depends on one's definition of "abusive" does it not? for example, i've heard one definition being "an abusive relationship is one where there is no trust" well, what about couples who are dealing with broken trust due to infidelity or bad spending habits or broken promises?

do you think that nearly any relationship could be considered "abusive" (or have abusive qualities) if overanalyzed with whatever definition a specific person deems suitable?

and do you think that *any* relationship labelled as "abusive" is not worth saving?

[certainly there ARE extremes to abusive relationships that would universally be labelled as such, but i'm talking more about the types that more likely fall into "gray areas"]

yes, i'm worried about how some people quickly label relationships as abusive, and then dismiss them as being unworthy of working on.

being someone who has gotten out of an *actual* abusive relationship that spanned the gamut of abuse, i find this to be particularly annoying.

Answer 1

I think you make a great point. The problem with some of the efforts to help women get out of abusive relationships, is that nearly any passionate relationship between two adults is going to be marked by "co-dependence", "verbal abuse", "trust issues", or some other thing at least once in a while.

I saw something recently that was really interesting. They gave a questionnaire to some old folks who had been married a long time - almost all were judged to be "co-dependent", because they answered in the affirmative to things like, "I wouldn't want to live without my partner" and "It is very important to me that my partner likes me" and "when we argue, I find that I can't stop thinking about it until we reconcile.".

By current standards, these folks are mentally unstable.... yet they are all happily married, some as long as 40 or 50 years. The psychology of relationships is not a proven science. Certainly, women who are being abused might also agree with those statements - perhaps ANYONE passionately in love could be defined as "a bit co-dependent".

I would also like to see efforts to help couples who have hit a rough spot - perhaps verbal abuse has occurred - but they wish to work through it. The current wisdom is "Dump him!", even when kids are involved, but this is not the answer for all couples. The only help we give is to help her leave "the abuser".

Answer 2

Yes because people's personal definitions of what constitutes abuse vary greatly. For example, to some pulling on your partners hair during intercourse is considered appealing. To others however this is considered painful and even abusive at times. To others mere words are abusive.

"Do you think that nearly any relationship could be considered "abusive" (or have abusive qualities) if overanalyzed with whatever definition a specific person deems suitable"?

Absolutely. People can twist around the definition of the word or twist the intent of an action to meet the criteria for abuse.

"and do you think that *any* relationship labeled as "abusive" is not worth saving"?

Since you are talking about "gray areas" then I would have to say yes. Relationships where one partner or the other is deemed abusive are worth at least an attempt to remedy the situation. This is what therapy/psychological counseling is for. It may not always work, but any relationship that can be saved is worth saving and one never know which ones can be saved until one tries to save it.

Answer 3

Because girls often end up believing these words so they feel like they can't do any better because they're not worth any better. Also, sometimes girls just like more abusive men because they feel like they can change those behaviors. Besides, many girls have trust issues so they won't believe a nice guy really likes them because he is always nice. However, girls will believe that an abusive guy truly loves them if he, even for a moment out of many, treats her nicely or gives her a compliment. Since those nice moments from abusive men are so rare that they're like a over exemplified special treat, one that fits with the rest of your believed reality. You won't be able to stay out of abusive relationships until you see how wonderful you are and how you deserve the best so try looking into the mirror more often and giving yourself encouraging compliments in your head. Always think about the good traits you have and how much you love yourself and slowly, you'll feel that you deserve way better than some ******** who doesn't appreciate you.

Answer 4

Yes, I think that almost every relationship could be labeled as "abusive" if you interpret the meaning of abuse however you want and twist it around and over-analyze things.

No, I don't think that any relationship labeled "abusive" is not worth saving. Just because broad interpretations of abuse can label a relationship abusive, it doesn't mean that the relationship really is bad. It just means that the "abusive" label has been used too lightly. Only relationships that are truely abusive in a seriously harmful way are not worth saving because one of the members could get seriously hurt.

Answer 5

I find that people who would call a cross word, an angry look, or distrust abusive, have most likely never really experienced abuse.

Edit: To clarify, however, those behaviors may exist in an abusive relationship, or one that is heading in that direction. What differentiates between what is normal and what is abusive (we all can get angry or even say hurtful things at times) is what prompted the response. There is a huge difference between someone being righteously angry for infidelity, lying, addiction, etc, and someone being controlling by displaying disapproval of what one is wearing, who they talk to, where they go, etc.

Answer 6

Yes, we all have different tolerance levels and we all 'allow' different behaviors from ourselves and from others.

What may be acceptable to you may not be acceptable to me.

Good question. Perspective IS everything.

Edit: We ARE desensitized to abuse. That is exactly what people are talking about whent hey say that feminism 'victimizes' women. In order to empower the masses, they must first victimize them.

I have never (Thank God) been in an abusive relationship, but in the context of the question many women *think* that they have because the guy shoved her *once* in a 10 year relationship during a heated argument. But the feminists tell the women to shout FIRE and run and be strong!

Answer 7

Today, too many people label themselves as mentally, sexually, and physically abused. And blame it on their misfortunes in life. The fact is, some people were really abused and we have to take that in consideration. But it's become an excuse for bad behavior all along the board. If it's not that, then it's racism, pollitically incorrect or sexual harassment. Are any of you people out there getting afraid to even fart?

Answer 8

Abuse is one of those 'in' words, now, isn't it? You hear, frequently, women describing past relationships as having been abusive...emotionally, mentally, etc.

Frankly, I think abuse is an extreme, but it is used to label any situation where there is an imbalance of power or emotion. And sadly, this misuse or over-use seems to belittle truly abusive situations.

For me, abuse exists when one takes another power from them. They conquer their spirit and create a sense of nothingness in the other. It breaks down one's confidence, and reduces them to being weak and frightened individual. Anything short of that is a bad relationship, but I wouldn't necessarily call it abusive.

Answer 9

I think many relationships experience inexcusable behavior on the part of one or both parties. In order to describe the behavior as abusive, it would have to occur repeatedly, and the person committing it would have to be unwilling to attempt to change the unacceptable behavior.

People ARE capable of change, and some relationships, even if manipulative, controlling behavior has been a part of them, are worth saving. However, I would not recommend trying to save a relationship if it put one of the partners or any children in harm's way.

Answer 10

No. I think that is enough abuse to go around without trying to find abuse in every relationship. It's a very negative and restrictive way of thinking.