How much should your partner's past matter in your marriage if your partner hid it from you during courtship?

Answer 1

This really depends on the content of the secret and bear in mind that one person's rite of passage is another's shame. For example one partner may well not worry talking about a shoplifting episode in their youth, whilst another might bury it in shame. I have done things (as we all have) which shame me now and I wouldn't divulge to anyone. That can apply to things we do as adults as well as when kids. Additionally there might be things they did with, or to, their last partner which they are not proud of and might be thought of as a fatal character flaw by some or a lesson learnt by another. The question of trusting the other to bear the past experience without being judgemental doesn't come into it. They are too frequently too ashamed to talk about it.
So I suppose it comes down to a matter of motive. If a someone cheated on their previous partner in a moment of weakness and truly regrets it I feel that sort of secret is best left untold. It would weaken the relationship. If however they have a tendency to this sort of behaviour then their motives are truly more suspect. You have to decide which I'm afraid.

Answer 2

Many of the other answerers say "the past is the past" and "it doesn't matter". And I would tend to agree with them....except for the fact that he hid things from you during the courtship. I'd be asking myself "Why?" A lot depends on what in his past he hid from you. There is a big difference in whether he hid the fact that he's a career criminal or drug addict, or whether he just forgot to tell you how many girlfriend's he's had before you. Depends on the severity of the past "infraction".

If it's truly trivial, let it go. If it's something that's really a big deal to you, and it's bothering you that he didn't tell you, or hid it from you, this is just a sign of things to come. Talk to him about it.

Answer 3

Withholding is withholding and when you do that you are out of integrity and your marriage was based on a lie to begin with. I was in that situation once and I felt betrayed that it was a marriage under false pretense, I immediately filed for divorce. This was a case of lying about who he was not a situation that happened in the past. I think there is a difference, but still dishonesty is dishonesty and if you are dishonest in one area of your life then you are dishonest in other areas.

Answer 4

It depends on whether the information would have been necessary for you YOU to base your marital decision on. If you felt you needed to have this info and he intentionally withheld it from you, it could be the basis for you to get an annulment. Some people withhold serious things like prior marriages, children, disease, addictions or other info that is clearly needed to base a marital decision on. Intentional withholding of information is serious.

Answer 5

unless there are kids, or the parther could infect you with a disease, then it isn't necessary to know all the details. you can compare stories about first dates, first kisses, but unless there's reason to think you could be in for some unpleasant surprises.
one more thing, a lot of people have major issues about this. a lot of time bi people try to "pass". that is a fact you need to know.
but all the gross sweaty details, no. are you comfortable telling (I assume it's) him all about your past lovers?

Answer 6

If she hided things about her morals or her characters then it will be a big hit to our marriage...I prefer that she don't have a past to stick with...because in that case with me will make the future, else, here past will play a big role in her future...I don't want to be a second option!!!

Answer 7

if they tried to cover things up than it is very important and u need to proceed slowly and find out all u can about this person and see if they are even someone u can be happy with. the past is often what u will get from them in their future.

Answer 8

Well if he his going to hide stuff from his past you should be curiouse.He should be honest and did you ask him about his past when you met him.it helps to know what kind of person they are.If he is hiding stuff from you.Don't you think he will hide more stuff from you ?

Answer 9

it all depends on what they "with held" from you. and then the fact that since they felt the need to with hold info from you then, whose to say they won't again
blessings to you

Answer 10

it wont matter much to me becos it was his past but i will keep it in view while i observe my husband