I have been married for 16 years and feel it is time for a divorce?

Question

He is not abusive nor a bad man, just not THE man for me. We married right after I graduated highschool and he is 7 years older than me.

I feel we married for the wrong reasons, as we just had a baby.

He works out of town and when he comes back I stress. I am so unhappy with him around.

He doesn't take care of himself, he doesn't make any decisions and I feel like his mom not his wife. Any large decisions with the house or van or kids is mine to make but when it backfires he blames me.

His idea of a good time is a bag of chips.

His constant answer for things is "I dunno" or "Let's wait and see" and its on stuff that CANNOT wait and see.

I know he is not depressed as I forced him to see the doctor and told him about his behavior. I know he isn't dumb as a box of rocks as he is a foreman at work. Thing is I feel like I married Forrest Gump.

I feel dragged down by him. I KNOW he loves his family, but man alive the toll it takes on ME.

I told my mom, you don't live with him so you just dont understand. She's of the mind that if hes not hitting me then he is worth staying with.

Its like HELL. I tried to tell her if I am going to have to function like a single person and deal with a husband it isn't right and I deserve to be single.

Yes I posted this earlier and I got some great answers. I am reposting with all the details and what not.

After 16 years of therapy and talking to counslers and talking to him myself.

He isn't getting blind sided.

BTW he is getting WORSE with his Forrest Gump type behavior.

I think I am posting because my mom is really ticked at me for even wanting to divorce him.

She's all... he's provided for you and you have it so good.

Pretty much, everyone cannot understand why I want to divorce this "wonderful" guy.

I feel miserable. No matter what I end up doing I am going to feel miserable.

I KNOW he has feelings too, but right now I am just trying to deal with mine.

Nope, have not found someone else. HAVE had my hands full with dealing with him out of town and being mom and dad to the kids, then him waltzing in and turing our world upside down every time he gets back.

Resent is a very good word. I DO resent that he feels he is doing his part no matter how often I speak to him.

The reason I have stayed so long? Kids and he works out of town a lot. Prior military.

No matter what I try to get him involved in when he is home, its an uphill battle. He sits all the time like he has a stick up his butt. The only thing he contributes is money. On the emotional level... I told him I want a divorce and his response was ... " I hear you.". Nothing more.

As far as being his friend. Tried that. Help him... tried that. And as I mentioned, I know I am not perfect. Thing is, right now I am very focused on me because for 16 years I really never gave myself much credit. I have been working for over a year now and I know I can make it without his paycheck. I think that is what is giving me a voice.

Answer 1

Well, I thought this looked familiar...

I think you know your answer... and like I tell everyone I counsel... if at the end of the day you feel there is NO hope then the best thing you can do for your partner is get a divorce... neither of you deserve to be in this situation... you deserve to be happy and well, he deserves to have someone be happy with him!

I think you are worrying tooooooo much about what everyone else may think of you. It is our God given right to be happy... and no one should stand in our way of this! I think your problem isn't if you should get a divorce... you have ur own answer for that... I think the problem is your friends and family thinking less of you... but I'm sure deep down they want nothing more than for you to be happy... and they fear you might make a mistake and leaving ur husband is a bad idea.

But the honest thing to remember is that they are not the ones who look at you every morning in the mirror... or go to bed unhappy. No matter what they think... you need to seek happiness for urself and be true to how u feel. If you honestly thought he was going to be the husband you wanted but he's not then no one can blaim you for walking away and chalking it up to a bad decision and an honest mistake.

BEST OF LUCK!!

Answer 2

Maybe in the beginning you were the dominate one and took charge and he let you be in charge.

Sit down and do some serious talking.

Work on it, that is, unless you have found someone else while he is gone so much.

If that is the case, your are trying to justify YOUR wrong doing.

I'm not trying to be unkind.

16 years is a good length of time.

You could be walking out of the frying pan into the fire.

Second marriages usually never work out when there are children involved.

Answer 3

Follow your heart. As for your mom, she's probably doesn't mean any harm. Sixteen years is a very long time to remain in a relationship that doesn't sustain you on some level. Frankly, I don't know you...but you seem to be resentful. My guess is that you feel cheated. His ambivalence certainly doesn't help,the situation. If he's not willing to tackle your marital issues, you must take matters into your own hands. Best Wishes to your family. It can be ROUGH.

Answer 4

you know what i have been there with 2 young kids 11 yrs ago, and left my hubby then met the man of my dreams he passed away and now met another who is beautiful. Life is way too short , i can so understand what you are saying. You have one life if your not happy dont stay for the wrong reasons, sounds hard but you are probably making him miserable too, be happy live life and bring kids up in a happy atmosphere. Hope this isnt too harsh but it is so true. Sit down talk to him write things down take criticsm where due vice a versa Good Luck

Answer 5

Your mom is not the one that has to live your life. Tell her that the decision is yours to make and you will do what is best for you. What you need to do is make yourself happy. You are not happy in this marriage and this life so you need to change it. It does not sound like you have a partner you have another dependent. Can you live the rest of your life like this? If not fix it. Do not worry about anyone else's opinion on the subject. Yours is the only one that matters when it comes to deciding what you need and want.

Answer 6

God only gives one reason for divorce and that is adultery. If you divorce him for any other reason, you will be breaking your wedding vows. Remember them? For better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer until death do us part.

Maybe you should take a long look at what you are doing. You are so focused on him, you are not seeing your own faults. What can you do to make your marriage better? You can't change him, but you can change what you are doing. You have many resentments for him. Holding resentments only makes you miserable.

He is not holding you down, you own that. Stop being his mother and start being his wife and friend instead. Treat him like you want to be treated. Be kind, caring, giving, selfless, tolerant, patient, understanding. Have unconditional love, be slow to anger and quick to forgive. Love is a choice. Read 1 Cor chapter 13 in the Holy Bible so you will know what love is. Then you can start to love your husband as God intends for you to.

Answer 7

Nothing worse than being miserable, you don't need anymore answers to tell you what you want. You are the one living in your body you are the one who can fix your own problems. You are the one that can make you Happy and your child. So what are you waiting for? another bunch of answers to tell you what you already know. Good Luck.It will get better.

Answer 8

Recommend you stay until your kids are grown. They deserve to grow up in a home with both of their parents. The years pass quickly.

In the meantime, don't be dragged down - lift yourself up with playing nice classical music to soothe your spirit, buy yourself with a hobby you have a passion for, take classes to complete your education or to learn to quilt, knit, paint, etc. Make friends, go to church, the gym, visit relatives - and most of all, devote yourself to your children. When he sees how exciting your life is, he may want to join you.

Joy to you!!!

Answer 9

Get out now...atleast you can try to spend the rest of your life being a mother to your children, and not your husband. Everyone deserves to be happy, not just him. You gotta do what is right in your heart, live your life to it's fullest. Good luck.

Answer 10

I'd have to say that his refusal to take any responsibility and then blame for your decisions is a type of emotional abuse or at the very least inappropriate behavior. This is the root to the other problems you have with him. I wonder if he displays any other signs of emotional abuse.