Husband isn't impressed by me?

Question

This problem has been plaguing my emotional health for some time. A couple of years ago, while discussing business, I told my husband that a business contact told me he was impressed by me. When I told my husband, he said, "What's so impressive?"
I let it go at the time, but last night, something similar happened. I told him I had been talking to a business contact and they had commented that I was unique. I was flattered, so later on that night, in passing, I told my husband how nice it was for someone to say something like that to me. Again, he deflated me by saying, "What does he find so unique?"
We've been married for 7 years and I love him, but I want to be able to talk to him without him tearing down my self-esteem.
I have tried to talk to him about it and he apologizes...not for implying that I am not impressive or unique in my own way, but because he wouldn't be impressed by anyone unless they do something he finds truly remarkable - like finding a cure for cancer.

I have a highly successful career, so that's not the question. It's a creative job and I earn good money. I am also well-respected in my field and my community.

Answer 1

Cut him loose. The decision will be difficult, but I bet it will pay huge dividends down the road, in terms of what it does for your self-esteem.

Being around someone toxic like that, who does not edify you, is only going to be an albatross in your life.

Answer 2

Well, impressing your husband is obviously high on your list of things that would inflate your self esteem. You should not let it affect your emotional health if all other parts of the marriage work. Lots of husbands are not impressed by their wives however some are. You might try doing something worthy of his praise like starting a successful company, finding a job that is higher than his. Your contacts that tell you they are impressed can be a valuable avenue to that place. When you impress another business contact, and they are impressed, tell them that you are looking for a position that would be more challenging and satisfying to you in the business world and if they know of someone that could use your obvious talents. That opens all kinds of new dialog and sometimes a path to a more successful place in the workplace. Successful people always surround themselves with smart and successful people. That is what spurs their success and one of the reasons they are where they are. Ask questions and follow leads network with business contacts and make them part of your business life. Eventually they will meet someone that was impressed and speak of you and when they do they will start to think of how your value would benefit them and you at the same time. Boom, the path is laid and the motion started. Continue on that path until one day you come home and your check is larger than your husbands and see how impressed he is then. Not only will you have accomplished your goal you will have more money and carved you a secure place in the business world. That should cure any problem with your emotional health I would think.

Answer 3

My husband has done similar things to me, and I honestly don't think he is trying to deflate you, but sometimes men just can't show tact. The important thing here is that the person who witnessed your greatness or uniqueness made the comment, if your husband wasn't there at the time, he isn't going to get it. Different things impress different people and as long as you give 100% to the things you do and accept that positive feedback when you get it, there is no need for you to worry about whether your husband agrees or not. He finds other things about you unique and great - that is why he is married to you. If he is anything like my husband - they just have a different way of showing it.

Answer 4

My husband is very similar to that. The reason is that he expects only the best of me, he expects that I am the best at everything that I do. It is his innate expectation. I don't always do the best neither am I the best but that is his belief so when someone else makes a comment as to my ability or compliments me he usually says, "well your just doing your job right?."

He doesn't compliment me because he believes that I am as secure in my self esteem as he is in my ability, (WRONG).

I am a woman and I need to hear those things once in a while and I have learned to hear them from others and trust in his level of belief in me.

He also finds nothing spectacular about anyone unless they would cure cancer because he believes that everyone should be the best at what they do.

Some Men, huh?

Answer 5

Well... there is your first red flag!

In many ways I wish I had paid attention to my red flags 18 years ago. What will happen more than likely, is when he hits 50 he will run away from you because YOU are successful and he isn't. The more successful you become the more insecure, jealous and inferior he will become.
He isn't a womanizer per-say, but he is a selfish little boy.. alot of what you like about him. Good luck, I am sure this isn't the first red flag you have had about this man over the years, but are so in love you can excuse it away and make excuses for him.

Answer 6

Oh, yeah, it's such an old trick. Try to make the wife feel so low that she's down to the same level that he feels about himself. In a way, he's competing with you and in his mind, how dare you be a contender, let alone win.
He wants you to believe that you are worthless and wouldn't be able to get someone else but him.
Run, baby, run!
Oh, and don't forget, you ARE impressive. You can do so much better and the day you do will be the day he cries.
Good luck.

Answer 7

Hmm have you made comments like I have a great job and make good money to him You know men like to feel superior and more important then anyone that does not mean he does not love you. He may feel threatened by your success or his lack of success and as a married couple you know the buttons to push to send the other one into orbit.

This is what I do I tell my hubby the response I expect to get then I tell him what I want to say. For instance I told told him no matter what I look like I only want to hear how beautiful I am from him and that is working beautifully. When it is my birthday I tell him in advance that my bday is coming up and I make him a list of presents I would like and where I want to go for dinner that works beautifully. I get a present I like on time and I get to eat where I like.

Of course this works to his favor as well. I tell him he is handsome and sexy and I get him presents he ask for and we eat where he chooses on his birthday . No misunderstandings and no hurt feelings.

Tell hubby how you expect him to respond to these stories and see what happens. He has to be trained so don't give up on one try good luck gurl oh I have been married almost 20 years!

Remember telling hubby what you want and need does not only apply to the bedroom.

Answer 8

don't be so out done by his remarks he is just being a man men know other me give excess complements to get Brownie points if there are any to get you never know when you are going to cash them in not to imply your a easy woman or anything but us guys are never sure of our self he feel like this guy is trying to eat off his plate that his insecurity you keep up the good work and every time someone male or female says your great or your your special you be sure and let him know he will come around and step up his game no man want to out done by another hopefully it wont be to late before he realize that you don't have to come up with that cure to be thought of as fantastic you could lift someone's spirit with your great spirit that his small mindedness don't trip on the small stuff the but always remind (him in such a way) what he did to get you is what he needs to do to keep you cause after all you are still a woman dammm it

Answer 9

Well for one my husband would not appreciate even hearing that unless I went into detail and it was strictly professional and not a come on. Obviously your husband has to find you unique otherwise why is he married to you to begin with! It sounds like you need that reassurance from him. Sure that is always nice, but you need to know that you are and not just only believe it when he or someone else tells you.

Answer 10

Your husband is abusive. He will keep putting you down because he is not happy with himself. God forbid you should be the star when it should be him. The more impressive you are the more he hates you. He is an egomaniac who will keep chipping away at your self esteem till you feel there is nothing left.

Then he will treat you like trash. If you can't walk away from the marriage just don't tell him what anyone else says to you. He will just hate you more for it. Keep doing what you do best and get your affirmation from other people. Set aside money for yourself as well so he won't control that.

Answer 11

sometimes you have to remind them that you would like to hear once in a while that your are impressive or unique. when you hear that from others it does feel good but if you know your not going to get that same response from him if it was me i wouldnt tell him or you could tell him that more often too and maybe he would get the idea. that good reinforcement feels good to get. try telling him just how wonderful he is lol if he is lol.. and see how that goes and if he can take the hint. dont let him bring your selfesteem down. so if it means he wont tell you you will know that others think your great. good luck