Is it REALLY hard to tell your spouse where you're going?

Question

BEFORE you leave?? or is it a power thing on why he/she may choose not to tell you until they're already there?

I really don't have a problem with my hubby fishing, he loves it. I'm glad he can relax with buddies and what not. But what bugs me is that he'll go...after being gone for an hour or longer (where I'll wonder if he's okay, working late,etc) THEN he'll call eventually and say 'oh babe, I'm fishing or I'm 'going' fishing (when he's ALREADY there).

Why doesn't he call me at work or even leave a message on my voicemail before I get off work to let me know he's going so that I, myself can go ahead and make plans to do something else? I've told him how I've felt about this. I've actually turn down offers to hang out thinking we'd be home together that night. He knows it hurts me, so what's the big deal in calling beforehand?
He did it tonight. Gone fishing around 4pm and JUST left a message at 7:18pm - literally saying, I'm 'going' fishing. WTF?!
I feel it's disrespectful.

Wow. Thanks for the great answers (except the few immature ones). I guess it does seem like I'm a mom, but I don't mean to. I believe it's about love and respect in marriage. We're in a less than 3 year marriage, so I feel we're getting to know about each other still. And I don't feel he's cheating...we've been through a lot so far - before our marriage and at our age, we've both had about enough 'other' people. I don't usually believe in the people's 'signs' (i.e. Libra, Aquarius), but my best friend is actually the same sign - opposite sex - and she hates having to tell her hubby where she is, what she's doing - feels like she's "on a leash". I tried to explain that it's not that, and I think it's just courteous/respectful - stubborn as she is, she won't accept that answer. Once we know, we're good for the most part.
Interesting her husband is the same sign as me and we're just taking it cuz we love them (with their stubborn side) so much.
So that's why too, is it a power trip?

Answer 1

The only way for him to know how it feels is to do the same thing to him and I mean the same thing.. Go fishing like he does and lets see how he handles it.. He is going to start not liking it.. Men hate it when the reflection of what they are doing happens...do it even if it means you have to go out of your way.. Do it till he knows you mean business. Your not asking him not to go but to call and if he can't do that then he has coming what will soon be his dismay.

Answer 2

I do think it's disrespectful and I also take it bad when they do this to me, or when they say they'll be home "soon" and arrive 3 hours later without notifying, etc..... If you've already talkedd to him about it and he won't change his manners, I think it's time for a dose of his own medicine. You need to start making your plans no matter whether he'll be at home or not. If he's gonna be there, tough......... if you happen to be out on a day he'll be fishing too, great, but don't make your plans depend on HIS...... because he's not even decent enough to make you know in advance, so why should you? maybe after a few times of doing this he'll see how it feels and will change his methods.... good luck.

Answer 3

I just did this. I told him nothing, I talk to him where my daughter is concerned only. My personal life is none of his business. Who I marry , when I marry then, where none of that is his concern. His only concern is his child. Don't tell him anything. I didn't until he called one day and said Can I pic up Tee on Friday, I said well for what, I kinda have plans. We are going to get married and she wants to be there. Can you get her on the 19th when we get back. OK , TTYL. Bye. The END. He is not entitled to knowing about my plans. He lost those rights when we divorced. So You don't have to say a WORD. But if you want to Then just find a way to work it into another conversation you guys have about her. Oh you want to pic up (____) Well let me see Getting married on the 3rd you want her on the 9th yea that should work See you then. You are worrying too much about nothing. If he does still care then that is his problem not yours. He can turn into a A s S when he wants stop trying to please him I learned that the hard way. Deal with him concerning interests of your daughter only. Good Luck and Congrats.

Answer 4

As a courtesy - he should call you ahead of time.....

You've already told him how you feel and he disregards it. You've got two choices - accept it or fight it. Put your foot down and let him know that any time he lets you know "after the fact" that he's gone fishing - especially with a 3 hour time lag that you will do the same. You'll start making plans and doing things without him without letting him know ahead of time. Of course - this might end the marriage, but at least you'll end it on equal footing.

Answer 5

my first idea was suspicion! i'm surprised no one else here so far is suspicious. is he cheating? does he actually come home with enough fish?

i have a friend who really likes to fish. sometimes his wife surprises him by going out to where he fishes (off of a pier) and gives him snacks. if your husband is fishing from land, you could "surprise" him. if from a boat, then it's hard.

watch him carefully!

if he's NOT cheating and is just rude, then well, that's rude and you should tell him that he must call to tell you what he's doing. you don't need to be his mom, but he should respect that you're married and you need to know what he's doing. fishing takes awhile. are you supposed to just wait around and wonder if your husband is alive, if he's cheating on you, or something else? you deserve to be informed.

first be sure he's not fishing for other women, then make sure he starts calling you.

Answer 6

well, i am sure he is just like my bf, dum*as*.

i am sure he didnt mean to hurt you, at least i hope he doesnt mean to hurt you.

but i think he just doesnt get it, to you is a big deal.
I have to have a real talk with bf about his action a long time ago, i told him , i cant just stay at home on a Thursday night (i kno, its my thing.)

you just have to hope he will get it after the talk, if he doesnt, stop waiting for him, and start making your going out dinner or something, Even better, tell him you want to gofishing with hime too (even if you hate fishing like me...pretend you love it, and go, if his friend is there, be nice, but i am sure eventually he will ask you, why are you here, or guys dont want you here, and then you can be like , if you dont want me here, next DO TELL ME B4 YOU GO, get it honey :) ). I HOPE he will get it, eventually....

i mean after all, who want to be left alone doing nothing

Answer 7

I probably shouldn't say this but I will anyway.... Do it to him a few times and when he points it out to you say oh I forgot. Then do it a few more and maybe a few more and then when he points it out.....say,"Now you know how I have felt for a long time!!"

He might just need a little dose of his own medicine.

Answer 8

I know exactly how you feel. I'm having this problem with my husband too. Whenever he's going out and I ask him where he's going/ what's he doing there/ when he'll be home. He'll gone mad and start yelling " stop asking such dumb questions!!"
I hate him for that.

Answer 9

From what you have said it sounds like he is not being truthful with you. I wouldn't stand for that crap for a minute- it is extremely disrespectful. I can't imagine what would motivate someone to behave that way unless they are lying about something. I wish I knew how to make him stop- my only suggestion is counseling.

Answer 10

At least he calls....his timing just sucks. Tell him that it bugs you and ask him nicely to let you know prior to going. If he continues., you may want to turn the tables and "go missing" yourself....and call him several hours later....it may be enough to get the point across.