Am I wrong for being upset that my husband travels so much?

Question

When my husband & I met I made it very clear that I did not want to be with any man that traveled as much as my father. My father is a government contractor who teaches computer programs to soldiers. He makes decent money but he travels well over 50% of the time. - My husband (then boyfriend) swore he would never have a job like that.
8 months after we started dating he left the Army & got a job working side by side my father (but for a different company). He travels about 50% of the time. Since August he has spent 2 weeks in Arizona, 3 weeks in Korea & 4 weeks in Nashville. - He promised me when he got this job that he would not be at it more then a year before looking for another.
He has not made any attempts to find another job & it's been 2 years.
We have 2 children ages 1 & 3 & have been married just under 2 years. Our relationship is failing because of his travel.
He thinks travel is normal & says any emotionally stable women would'nt mind it.
Do I have a right to be angry?

I don't want him to just up and quit btw. I want him to put some effort forward and find a new job.

I feel that he is choosing his job over the children and I. They need their father around as much as I need my husband around!

I also realize that his job puts food on the table but their are a lot of jobs out there that put food on the table that don't involve travel.

I honestly think he enjoys having it all. He can be a bachelor 1/ 2 the time (because he goes out a lot when he travels) and be a parent and husband the other half. What guy wouldn't love that?

It's not good for the kids or I though and I don't think it's fair. :(

Okay I'd just like to say that we did do marriage counseling. They actually told me to leave him for various other reasons. Won't get into that.
Anyway, he quit going after just one session because the counselor was a Christian (and so am I) and he thinks all Christians are ignorant and uneducated because they believe in what they can't prove. So he thought she was full of BS (just because of some sign on her wall).

Also, I can't get a job. I am disabled. I get $1000 a month in disability. It might not be much but it is exactly the same as what I'd bring home if day care, gas and a second car had to be paid for out of my income.

Answer 1

Yes you have a right to be angry!

For one he either lied to you or simply didn't care about what you wanted out of your relationship when he promised he would not get a job like your father's.

For another, he's wrong; lots of women would object to their husband being gone 50% of the time.

Lastly, not only is he not being a good husband, but he's not being a good father by being gone so much and dumping most of the parenting responsibility on you, and not getting to bond with his kids.

Unfortunately you can only control your own actions. This means you can really only do one of the following:

1. leave him and take the kids (he can't really have custody if he's gone that much).

2. threaten to leave unless he takes your wants and needs into consideration and at least meets you halfway.

3. accept that you are attracted to men like your father and deal with your husband being gone all the time.

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Well if you've tried counseling and they told you to leave him (it must be pretty bad if the counselor told you to leave as they are supposed to remain neutral), AND he quit going after 1 time because he thinks Christians are ignorant (does that include you?) he has a lot more issues than just not being considerate.

Leave him, ask for sole custody, alimony if you can and a lot of child support.

You and your kids deserve a real man who can both provide for you and take an active role in all of your lives.

Oh, and be a lot more cautious next time about who you chose to be with. This time it's about what's best for you AND your kids.

Answer 2

Your needs are not being met by him. Have you gone to counseling?

My soon-to-be ex did the same thing to me. The distance drove us apart. We tried counseling, but then he took a job and said that he would be traveling less, which was a total fat lie! He traveled even more!!! He then told me that I would have to wait 4 months before he would have time to go back to counseling with me, and I felt that I was being put second to his job. I told him I felt like he was married to work and I was the mistress!

After working with the guidance of a professional, there were a series of conversations I had with him, and the last one was an ultimatum. He chose to file for divorce.

I feel your pain and sympathize with you. I'm not suggesting to give an ultimatum, but work with a professional before you make some huge life changes like a divorce. Most problems can be worked if both persons are willing to put in the time and effort. Divorce doesn't sound so bad until you actually go through it, and it is the most awful experience ever! Good luck!

Answer 3

First please remember to appreciate your husband for the fact that he is working and supporting you and your 2 children. It's understandable that you're upset when he did exactly what you verbally told him you didn't want him to do. However, good jobs aren't plentiful and if he can save up money to buy good things for your family, you might have to hang in there until he's ready to settle down to a job that doesn't require so much travel. Training soldiers is a job that takes patience and you should realize that it takes a special type of person to be able to teach others. Perhaps if you lived near family who could help you with the children, you wouldn't feel so upset about his being away so much. Establish a social support group for yourself and hire sitters so you are able to have time away from the children, which I imagine is the main reason why you're so unhappy - as it's tough going it alone raising 2 children. Verbalize your unhappiness to your husband and ask him if he'd consider marriage counseling to address these issues which are bothering you. As long as he isn't cheating on you, your marriage has many good things going for it and I encourage you to develop more patience with him, for as he gets older he will probably tire of the frequent travel and want to settle down more. Give it time!

Answer 4

this is a difficult one because in the end it comes down to you. My husband was in the Royal Navy [as was l when we met] - but like you l said l was not prepared to bring up children, sort out problems, etc on my own, while he swanned off round the world. Some women accept this life-style - some don't. As you stipulated this at the beginning l think it is very selfish of him to take this job - and l would not be too pleased with your father either! As l have already said it is down to you - are you prepared to continue on your own for the sake of the marriage or if not make it clear that it's you or the job -but be prepared for the outcome. Perhaps a word with y our father might be advisable, just to sound out your husbands intentions. Sorry, but men are their jobs and most are very selfish, so you are up against a double whammy here, One things certain, its not because you are unstable [the usual male get-out] - it's that you are not prepared to be a one man band! l am afraid its accept or ultimatum time .... look at it this way - if he chooses the job over his wife and children you haven't lost much have you?

Answer 5

Okay, the problem here is not that he is traveling. The problem is that he SWORE he would never have a traveling job, and he PROMISED that he would look for another job. He has lied on both these things, so yes, you have EVERY right to be upset about it.

The fat that he is trying to say that it's you with the problem, and just ignores that he LIED to you is very worrying.

Yes, you have every right to be angry. Make sure you tell him that's it's not about the traveling, it's about the fact that you made it clear this isn't the kind of family you were hoping for, and that you feel he lied about these things, and THAT is what you're upset about.

Heck, i get mopey about the fact my hubby has to spend an extra 4 hours traveling each day now that his job has moved further away.

Answer 6

He swore he would not take a job like that & he did. I would call him on that. Your 2 kids need their dad around more than ever at this age. I know he wants to provide good for his family but also the time not spent with them can never be brought back. He should be seeing his kids first steps, first words, spending precious time with them. Also his wife needs a husband around. It's not fair to you. You are being both mom & dad to your kids. Do you think he is staying away for any reason? Next time he comes home, hire a sitter for the kids & talk things out even if it takes hours. This shouldn't go on any further.

Answer 7

u can get mad at the fact he isnt always there, but it al depends if ur putting in the haul in bringing home the bacon, if not, either get a job then he can pull back on the job he currently has, otherwise, if u enjoy the bills beig paid and food on the table and the things u buy while he is the main provider, then i think u should u be thankful he is doing it all. but if not, go on ahead, get yourself a part time job and make what he doesnt to make up fpr what he could have because u want him home more....sheesh

Answer 8

Yes, he did promise you before you got married that he wouldn't get a job that required a lot of travel. However, you need to see if there are any jobs available that have the same pay and the same benefits. You can't expect him to take a job that would prove to be less than what he has now. It wouldn't be fair to either him, or to you and your children.

Answer 9

ALOT of girls marry their father! ..... without even knowing it. The job should have been talked over and approved, but I also think that a stable, un-jealous wife would approve. My hubby travels alot and I love it. I get more done around the house, I have more time to myself and our 3 girls, and I can relax. When he's home, I have one more person to take care of and do HIS thing. I'd like to see him try to find a better wife. I know it'll never happen. I am more angry when he's home, but he is my BEST friend and we always have fun together too.

Answer 10

He broke the agreement, the ball is your court.

Of coarse you can be angry, he's gone against your wishes.

A single Mom with 2 children is a tough sell for another man. If you have a knock out bod and are considered a gazelle, then yes your ok to leave. If your a drive-thru cow with a slurpy cup by your side, then your better off staying put and dealing with the traveler exstrordinair!!