Whats normal???

Question

I've been with the same guy for 5 years, we have a son together. We have been married for a little over a year. We have been fighting lately and I don't know what to think. Is it normal to have arguement? I mean we are never violent but the latest fight got to the point where we were just blaming eachother for things and we were both threatening divorce and I was holding a magazine and he ripped it out of my hands and said I wasn't listening. Which is true. When we start fighting it just gets to the point where I try to drown it out. Sometimes I feel maybe I'm just in it for our son, but then other times I htink I'm so lucky to have him as a husband. He tells me that I want him to be perfect all the time and I guess I do expect him to act a certain way. I don't know I'm so confused. Is it always suppose to be happy when you're in love?? I've just gotten to the point where I think neither one of us knows whats going on. I almost feel as though I'm losing control. What are your thoughts

haha maybe I do need a hobby. What would you suggest?? I'll have to fit it in between college classes a small child a husband and house duties though

Answer 1

1) What are you arguing about?

2) Why are you arguing?

Answer 2

The romance wears of sometime after marriage, especially after you have a kid. It's time to face the realities of life, or the realities automatically hit you.

I am not a witness to all the events that are happening between you both, but from what I understand, both of you need to give each other some space. It's also natural to have expectations from each other, but you have to understand if the other person will be able to fulfill them. Both of you try not to be rigid in what you want from the other. People, especially adults have some well set habits which are difficult to change, especially overnight. If they are not destructive, let them have their way.

I could write a long answer, but here's a quick useful suggestion. It seems that your hubby needs some attention and needs to talk to you about something at times. Try to see if that is the case. Both of you start with small acts of kindness which could be doing something that each other will really appreciate. Now, do not overdo this. Just a few acts of kindness the right moment will make a lot of difference. In the long run, these will add up to to make a big account and will cement your relationship.

Topmost thing, you need to have tremendous respect for and patience with each other, and really pay attention even if you get the slightest hint that something is wrong. Trust me, real relationship building starts after marriage.

Answer 3

You need counseling, it sounds like you are having trouble relating to your husband and setting realistic expectations. Go together, or if that is not possible, go alone.

Is being married a fairy tale? No. But you shouldn't be screaming at each other all of the time, either. Learn how to compromise, and air your grievances constructively. That's how you build a lasting relationship. You should have a certain level of happiness most of the time- if you don't, you might need to learn some new skills. You obviously have somewhat of a foundation with this man- you've spent a long time with him and have a child with him. But that doesn't mean that it will be easy and come naturally, sometimes it doesn't. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

Answer 4

Hi. I'm a marriage guidance counsellor and to be honest - there is not enough room to explain what is going on. What is happening however is not uncommon. The honeymoon is over and now there is a journey ahead which is challenging to say the least and these days an increasing number of couples chuck in the towel.
A couple of books if you can find them are:
Firstly -"The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman,
"Getting the love you want" by Harville Hendrick , and
"Do I have to give up me to be loved by You?" by ?? (can't remember author).
There is hope. It takes the two of you to change and the rewards when you are older are beyond what you can imagine at this moment.

Answer 5

When we really sit back and evaluate things, we notice that its not so much what our partners do./dont do, it our responses to those actions. Of course when we marry we realize its for a long time and we want our partner to be perfect. Sadly, we are just people and we are not perfect. We tend to measure our relationships against the standards we see as kids like how our grandparents interacted or how the cute old couple down the street still gets along after 50 years. These people had a lifetime of practice and we are just starting out.
Know that one day, your partner will be a perfect fit for you and you for him.
Was the subject of the argument really worth fighting about?
Take some time when a disagreement presents to go off by yourselves and really evaluate your position on the subject before getting bent out of shape.
Hope this helps

Answer 6

Things cannot be totally "perfect" all the time in any relationship. There's always ups and downs, but what really matters, and can affect your relationship, is the way you react, not the problem itself. It's important that you don't lose the respect that you have for each other and it's also very important that you don't take everything so personal. Try to focus on the good in your marriage and reward yourself and each other for "good behavior". You can make it work if you two make your best effort.

Answer 7

Yes it's normal.. If you truly love him, it may be time to seek outside help.. maybe some marriage counseling. There could be something stressing either of you out that is coming out in other ways.. you always take it out on the one that you love the most.. go to someone that can ask you all the right questions and you can give answers that will bring some light on your marriage.. Sometimes it's not what you say.. it's all in how you say it..that counts..

Answer 8

It's not always fun and it's not always easy.
You have to work on communication and respect.
For goodness sake, show respect and listen to him.
Try to keep all of your expectations real and possible for him.

I expect too much from my husband too. Don't threaten divorce though - be fully and completely committed and don't offer an out.

good luck and be lovely to him. Just being nice and respectful to each other will make all the difference in the world.

Answer 9

The blame game and the threats of divorce need to stop! Those words cut and can never be taken back. It is however normal to get on each others nerves. My hubby and I use to argue alot til one day he started fussing and I said I love you with such a silly look on my face that he couldn't fuss anymore but he laughed so hard I thought that he was gonna pee his pants! We very seldom argue anymore but we have been married 15 years and have 3 beautiful kids.... Who has the energy! lol!!

Answer 10

it is normal but the worse thing you can do is start degrading each other. dont call each other names because no matter if you make up...the scar is still there...the damage is done.

you have got to make up your mind that YOU will not fight with him. be assertive and loving...for example...("look...i love you but I refuse to fight. when you are calm...we can talk. I do care about your feelings but i refuse to get into this until you calm down.") say it a few times if needed and then leave it alone....when he gets no response after while...he will get the point....remember...it takes two to argue. he will get tired of arguing by himself. you cannot say..."well if he will stop i will stop"....that will never happen....it is up to you to put a stop to it...regardless of who is to blame. playing the blame game and keeping score never solves anyone's problems....it becomes a habit that will eat away at your relationship until is is dead.

on the other hand....dont use your son as an excuse. you either love this guy and want to work it out or you dont...you have to make up your mind and stop holding on to your son as an excuse.

your son will not benefit from you staying with a man that you do not love...it will only destroy his life.

now...make up your mind....if you love him...commit to change. if not....let him go and let your son live a normal happy life without feeling guilty because his parents that were at each other's throats all his life were unhappy because of him. dont do that to your son. he dont deserve it.

i dont mean to be harsh. i am just telling you this with love...tough love. reality is hard but God is good and love conquers all. you can bank on that. God bless.