A paragraph from something I'm writing... style suggestions?

Question

Addy was turning twenty today. There was nobody at her home, no presents on her table, not even a card for her in the mailbox- at least not yet - and for this reason she had been sitting in the same place for roughly an hour now, dreaming her future as she cuddled up with a book. It was a romance novel, her favorite actually, and although she’d read it at least five times it never seemed to grow old to her; regardless of the way the beloved always died at the end. And as usual, it amplified the melancholy feelings she always felt, which had already grown worse with the somber winter.

She closed its covers and stood at last; her long brown hair falling down to her shoulders. Outside, the light purr of a cold motor stalled for a bit, then started up again as it left into the distance. Addy put on her slippers, and stretched as she slowly made her way into the kitchen, out through the door, down the driveway, and to the front of her old bronze mailbox which she opened with greedy hands. The spoils were counted: two birthday cards - one from Chris and another from Angela; an invitation to her own birthday party – from mom; and an ad for a furniture sale - from some store she had never heard of before. She threw the last one away.

Satisfied with her loot, Addy slammed the mailbox shut a bit too hardly and it flew off of its flimsy base. The mailbox rolled a bit in the snow, and the lid popped open as out slid another letter. She turned it over, and looked at the Address, “Elizabeth Grey,” Addy read to herself, “1329 Oak St.” She looked a little farther, and saw the letter was sent to Reedsdale - only a few miles away from her house. Curiosity enveloped her; and without second thought she opened the letter. Addy skimmed the letter once: it was a love letter, from someone named Gaines. She read it a second time, and a third, and a fourth.. Addy read it once again slowly pronouncing each word. She laughed at herself for being so silly, and silly she was, for not only had she had just fallen in love, but she had fallen in love with someone she had never met. Addy looked at the envelope one more time, but there was no return address on it. She trudged back inside and fell onto the couch; on which she promptly fainted

hope you guys dont mind if I added the next two paragraphs.. they need work, but this is stil la rough draft with the absolute smallest number of revisions possible.

I was afraid it would be boring, but after these three paragraphs the dialogue picks up dramatically.

And besides her life IS boring until the latter of the three paragraphs.

Answer 1

You might want to check your verb tenses, and also your use of adverbs. Some places will flow more smoothly without the adverb, and the reader will get it---you don't have to explain too much.
It seems engaging, overall. I think you did this very well.

Answer 2

You have a very common tense problem. Even major authors get this wrong every day. But once you understand it, you will never do it again.

Let me explain.

You are writing your story in the past tense. That means that all of the action of your story - beginning to end - has already occurred. Your narrator is now someone in the future telling the story to someone else. The narrator knows the whole story - including what is going to happen in the end - because it already happened.

With me so far? For instance, let's assume Addy's grandmother is telling the story to Addy's daughter ten years later. Got it?

Well then you cannot use date indicator words like today. Because Addy isn't turning 20 the day the story is being told, she turned 20 some time ago. You would have to word that another way like "This was the day Addy would turn twenty." Same thing with "she was sitting in the same place for roughly an hour now". It isn't NOW - it is THEN.

It is a common mistake. You see it all the time. Now when you see it in books, you will freak out because it will drive you nuts once you understand it. You can only use time indicator words in a past tense story in quotations. You could say. "I am twenty today," Addy said. Because that is what she said when it happened.

The other common mistake you make is you use a lot of passive tense.

And as usual, it amplified the melancholy feelings she always felt, which had already grown worse with the somber winter.

try it without the passive.

And as usual, it amplified the melancholy feelings she always felt, which grew worse with the somber winter.

You make what you are saying a lot stronger when you avoid passives.

and although she’d read it at least five times

just

and although she read it at least five times

The "d is shortened for had - had read is passive. Just take them out.

Otherwise it is a good strong beginning.
----
They're, Their, There - Three Different Words.

Careful or you may wind up in my next novel.

Pax - C

Answer 3

Very good stuff. I love your writing. I was going to say, since you're talking about "today", try going with the present tense, and see what happens, but that might not work if what you're writing is very long. Perhaps simplifying/shortening the last couple of sentences in the first paragraph for a smoother transition to the second paragraph would be my only suggestion.

Keep up the good work. I admire you for putting your work out there.

Answer 4

I'll be right back...

Ok - I'm back. Try reading it outload to yourself. This is a trick I use to find bad wording and what I call "stumbling blocks". A stumbling block is any wording that distracts the reader.

You do not want your reader stopping to wonder why you used a work or phrase in a particular way; this reminds them they are just reading and not actually participating in the story.

Answer 5

I've learned that long narratives put readers to sleep unless it is gripping in some manner. Frequent dialogue works best, coupled with action in the very first sentence.

Along with rephrasing your paragraphs and inserting character dialogue, I suggest working on your punctuation. You tend to throw in commas where they ought not to be placed.

Answer 6

i love the way you incorperate so much details. i can see her walking to her mailbox and having it fall in the snow.. i like the way you write... srry but i cant give you any advice if i dont know how to write! that would just be stupid advice =] lol