Marriage advice ;) My husband does not allow me to speak with my parents..??

Question

I know it sounds odd, but my parents did 'do a number on me.' I am the first to say it too.
My parents first off, are well to do and did not provide me with a car, tuition or anything. My father had some inappropriate conversations w/me, and my mother is/was controlling..
So...
Now, 21, married for a year.. my husband tells me that if i speak with my parents he'll leave me.
(By the way, he is overall really sweet and we get along really well). Any remarks?

I am not stupid, I know that my husband doing this is 'controlling.' He says that it is just because he wants to protect me. I love him very much, but do have some options.
As far as the 'inappropriate conversations' w/my father, (who is a minister) he would compare me with other girls, he would never close the door when he changed

Answer 1

OH, yeah, he's overall really sweet, except that if you speak to your parents, he'll leave you. That's right in the middle of my definition of sweet. Do you think your parents are well off because their parents bought them cars, or paid their tuition? You don't detail the "inappropriate" conversations from our father, but if you think your mother was controlling, what the hell is your husband. Talking to your parents is your decision. No one else's. Just because you are married doesn't mean you stop having the right to make your own decisions. Think it through, and if you really want to speak with the people who made you who you are, then he will need to understand that, as an adult, you have that right. If he still tries to control you by threatening to leave if you speak to them, he is the one with the problem. My only advice is to be absolutely certain you are ready to deal with your parents before you make the decision to contact them. Technically, they owe you nothing once you've become an adult. Would it be nice of them to offer? Sure. But they don't have to. That is their right. Good Luck and I hope your husband grows up pretty soon.

Answer 2

Well, your parents are not obligated to buy you a car or pay your tuition just because they are your parents. Secondly, inappropriate conversations??? About what?
Your husband needs to respect your feelings as well. Depending on what was inappropriate between you and your father is the real issue perhaps, but I can't give my advise without knowing that. Regardless, your husband doesn't have the right to decide if you talk to your parents. You need to let him know how your feeling and find out why he feels that way. And then try to come to an agreement that you are both comfortable with.

Answer 3

your husband might be right and you might need to limit contact with your parents but he has no business making such demands. This is a big red flag and aside from what problems you had with your parents you have jumped from the frying pan into the fire. This is only the beginning and it ends with you a prisoner in your own home with no friends or contacts other than him or those he allows. You will be under his complete control and you will never be able to live up to his demands. He is sweet now and he will be when he wants but it will not last and when you miss up on one of his rules( and there will be many more to come if you go for this) mess up and you might "need to be punished for your own good" You need to wake up and see that controling nature for what it really is. There are many women in their graves today because they did not head the huge warning, just like the one you are getting now. Be very careful you do not wind up a lead story on the 6 pm news. Run, honey, Run

Answer 4

Ultimatums never work in a healthy marriage. Your husband may have legitimate reasons for not wanting you to contact your family, but the decision should be yours. They are your parents, and when you are 50 years old they will still be your parents. He may or may not always be your husband. If you feel the need to see your parents, do so. You should be the one deciding if that relationship is worth saving.

Your parents may have had a legitimate reason for not providing you with the things you thought you should have had. As you mature, you should air out your differences and settle the past so that you and your husband can have one less thing to fight about.

Answer 5

If you feel that you don't want to talk to your parents...then don't. But do not let your husband determine if you do or not. Once we're grown and married our parent's job is done. It's up to us to support ourselves and our lives, so the fact that they did not pay tuition or buy a car has no bearing on the question at hand. If they truly did things that are unforgivable and you feel you cannot have a relationship with them, then don't.
It sounds like you love your husband, but you should never allow someone to come between you and your family. My fiance refuses to speak to my mother, vice versa, but he would never give me an ultimatum concerning them. You need to reflect on yourself and make the decision whether you want them in your life or not. Just because you associate with them does not mean he has to...but he doesn't have the right to choose for you.

Answer 6

At first I thought you husband was a jerk and ignorant but guess what I think you are worst!!! because you are stupid enough to listen to him... they are your parents he is not your dad and when it comes to your parents good or bad you are here because of them... and u need to double check your priorities you talk about your Mom being controlling well how do you define your husbands actions? Now you understand why you are more ignorant than your husband??? Even a blind man can see this one!! What's next my husband doesn't let me discipline my kids, or doesn't let me work, or wear make up or go out with my friends??? please lady grow up and dig very deep for a strong back bone... u must like been under somebody Else's control first your mom with every right on her side she gave you life.. and now your husband who is trying to isolate you from your parents!!!! You can do better than that and be more realistic... how sweet is that if you talk to them I'll leave you... tell him to get the stepping!!! If you are independent who cares if he leaves!! you love can't live with out him??? ummm how stupid u can't live without ur man but you CAN live with your parents???

Answer 7

Girl you need to run fast and leave this controlling guy. You have a relationship with a many who. ,: Threatens you with leaving if you do what he tells you not to do? Classic signs of more to come. Do not let this escalate. Step back and look at other times when he might have tried to call the shots at the cost of your individualism. You sound like a girl who can take care of herself having to work through college. Be careful and watch Oprah or Dr. Phil or ask a minister you are not alone.

Answer 8

When I got my parenting manual, I skimmed the table of contents and the only thing I am obligated to do, so as not to have my kiddos shipped off to foster care, is to meet their basic needs. Now as the current mother of the year, I provide so much more, but I'll tell you right now...I am not footing the bill for a car or tuition. As far as mommy dearest, she is supposed to control you. Now, I did not live your childhood so I'll stop there. Lets address hubby - sounds like to me you replaced Mommy with hubby. Is there apart of you who likes being controlled? In short, if my hubby ever gave me that ultimatum, he better be able to deliver on his promise cause I may take him up on the offer.

Answer 9

You know psychologists say we tend to marry one of our parents. Apparently you have married your mother, because this husband of yours is every bit as controlling as you say she is.

I'm sorry but if my daughter allowed her husband to manipulate her into having nothing to do with me, I would just have to wait it out and hope one day she opened her eyes.

The fact that they did not provide you with a "car, tuition or anything" suggests you measure love with what someone gives you. How do you know how well to do your parents really are? They could be mortgaged to their eyeballs for all you know. That education you seem to think they owe you, is yours if YOU take the initiative. Colleges aren't just for students whose parents are footing the bill.

My daughter has a friend that her parents were not able to provide those things you mentioned. She bought her car herself and she put herself through college. It took her 6 years to do it, but she did it and she worked full time.

Answer 10

It's not your husband's decision to make. That is very controlling.

I don't care why he SAYS he does it. He's just manipulating you. If you want to have some kind of a relationship with your father..no matter the circumstance, then your husband would respect that...

if he really loved you.