I'm obsessed with my ex-boyfriend, and I understand why. It's because I've never had a male figure in my life to understand me so well the way he did. I had an abusive father and because of it I grew up shy, depressive and antisocial. I now understand me thoroughly. But how do I help myself, I broke up with my boyfriend 3 years ago and I'm still dwelling over him. I didn't treat him well which is why he left me. I feel no one else is going to love me unconditionally the way he did, without judging me. Please how do I give myself counseling?
2007-11-07 12:58:21 · 5 answers · asked by Leo 3 in Social Science ➔ Psychology
This is much too complicated to be dealt with adequately here; but, I'll try.
Dwelling upon ex bf..regardless of time..(the "heart" cannot tell time) equals hanging onto the hopes, dreams and wishes of the "we" that you two once were.
Because of your baggage, you were doomed to take your man hatred out upon a wholly accepting man. No one that that would not happen. So, I would also conjecture that you dwelling has some "would have, Could have, Should have's" tangled up in it too. A good start is to research 'repetition compulsion' from the psychoanalytic school (not humanish or behavioralism, etc). With understanding comes forgiveness, even self - forgiveness.
"I feel no one else is going to love me.....the way he did"....is a very understandable fear. I would guess that: you're relationship(s) since 'accepting man' have been with judgmental, critical jerks. Or, you have withdrawn from the scene. Again, the repetition compulsion compels we humans to "pick" people who will treat us the same way we were treated. Or, the exact opposite of how we were treated; which is what you had and the intimacy was so overwhelming - you had to drive him away. This is depth stuff, but, if you get it, you are way ahead of the game.
Why would God set up dynamics such as this from the family of origin and childhood into adulthood? Seems kinda cruel, doesn't it. However, what it actually is - is a second chance to learn the primal, powerful psychological lessons required; to be capable of even having a relationship. It's a way to unpack the baggage and be a more full human being.
I hope you can work some of this stuff out and that you do some research in the direction I have pointed you. I do not believe in labels of co dependent, etc. We human being are globs, doing the best we can to get our basic needs met. Especially the need to be loved.
2007-11-07 13:48:15 · answer #1 · answered by Bill S 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
3 years is quite a long time. If you focus on him, you wont see any other guy who could be even better.
If you really want to go back with him, would you be different and take care of him this time? Or are you still the same person. If you're still in love with him, you're probably still the same person. And it's mostly sure that it wont work again.
Hope you'll find a way to settle this. 3 years is too long. You should be happy now!
2007-11-07 21:10:19 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You say you understnd you thoroughly,,,If you do, you would know why you obsess over himm,,,It is an addiction,,,
Codependant,,,
if you dont want to see a couselor,,,read,,,
If life is game these are the rules,,,if love is a game these are the rules....Love addiction,,,many good books to read and learn from
2007-11-07 21:32:49 · answer #3 · answered by ideame 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't counsel yourself. You can do somethings on your own reading and such but a therapist would be quite helpful.
2007-11-07 23:17:38 · answer #4 · answered by Freckles... 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you think that is good for you then do it. Get couseling. It is sometimes nice to get it out and let a professional help you how to deal with your problems.
2007-11-08 09:52:38 · answer #5 · answered by reckoneyebee 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋