My husband says he is going to leave me because I get upset that he drinks and smokes.?

Question

We have been married for 2 years and its been an emotional rollercoaster. The current issue and one that has been prevalent throughout the relationship is my husbands drinking and smoking. When we were first dating he lied to me and told me he didn't smoke and that he would drink only socially. That was a lie because I soon found out that he does smoke and drinks more than 3 times a week. Well, the fact of the matter is that I asked him to quit at least the smoking for our daughter, which he did, but now that our daughter is one year old he wants to smoke again. Of course I have a problem with it and I really don't want him to smoke. So whenever he does say hes going to smoke, I get upset. He says he can't take it anymore and that he wants to make his own decisions and do what he wants. The problem is that whenever he does what he wants he ends up hurting me emotionally. Please help, I don't know what to do. I can't compromise because hes stubborn and hardheaded. Heeelllppppp!

About the smoking. When we first met, he told me he didn't smoke, and it seemed that way because I did not find evidence of cigarretes or anything like that. It was only after we got married that the truth came out. And for those of you being judgemental and saying that you would have to be stupid not to know your fiancee is smoking, well I had no reason not to trust him. So as far as I was concerned he didn't smoke.

Answer 1

I completely undestand u, and Im sorry u are going thru this! my mother has been having the same problems with my father he drinks alot, first he would tell her that if she didnt join him he would go out with his friends instead so inorder for him not to leave her she would drink 1 or 2. But he kept going out. when a man is not sincere and honest he will never be! right now you should think whats best for you. Good luck and bless you! :)

Answer 2

Smoking is a hard to stop. I understand your concern though because second hand smoke does cause health issues and why you don't want you or your daughter to be around it. Maybe you could compromise by allowing him to smoke outside. It is true he is grown, and he will make his own decisions. If his decisions are hurting you and your marriage is an emotional rollercoaster, it sounds like your marriage needs some work either through counseling or the 2 of you talking and working out the problems. If not divorice maybe the answer.

Answer 3

You say you can't compromise but he is the one who is stubborn and hardheaded? If he wants to smoke ask him to do it outside. He says he wants to make is own decisions - did he think about that before he committed to a family? You can't stop an addict - and that's what you have. You can be supportive, you can offer help, you can accept the situation, but until he wants to stop there is no amount of nagging or berating that will make him stop. If you are interested in keeping the marriage then say so to him and talk like mature adults.

Answer 4

Did you just say YOU can't compromise because HE'S stubborn and hardheaded? I think you are. Look, smoking is a bad habit I agree but he is his own person. If he doesnt smoke around his daughter then let him smoke. He probably just wants to assert some kind of independence because you are so controlling and dominating. Relax a lil and let your man be his own person.

Answer 5

I am studying psychology at one of the best universities in the country. I will tell you point blank: I agree with him when he says he can do what he wants. I say this not out of defending him, but because you're calling him stubborn and hardheaded when clearly it is you that is being stubborn and hardheaded. I say that because you feel that way because you feel that if he smokes, he's lying to you, but he isn't. You should be glad that he hasn't smoked. I commend you for encouraging him not to smoke, but if you "nag" him about it, it will only make him want to do it more. Think of reasons that he might be attracted to (even give him incentives (i.e. in a sexual way)) ot quite smoking or not smoke. I think you're still pissed off because he lied to you about it in the first place, and rightfully so, but you should either forgive and forget or move on.

Beyond that, it definitely sounds like he's an alcoholic, I would focus on that rather than the smoking.

Answer 6

Ask him can you two talk about setting up a room far away from you two if he wants to continue smoking and drinking. Also you two might want to come to an agreement on days he can drink and smoke, so everyone can be happy. Tell him you support him and don't want to be a single mother. Good Luck

Answer 7

Well if you guys can't compromise then I guess there is nothing else left to do. But if you love each other enough then I'm sure you two can work something out. For instance if smoking bothers you that much just let him smoke outside. But also let him know that he can't do everything he wants cause he has responsibilities to his family. It sounds like you two need to communicate better. I hope that everyrthing works out.

Answer 8

All of a sudden you decide he's not allowed to drink and smoke. Sounds like a control issue to me. What does he ask you to give up? I thought so. When he leaves, you'll look back on these as the good times.

Answer 9

Let the man have a smoke, as long as he doesn't do it around your kid or in your house. And let him have a drink when he needs it, as long as he's not a drunk. You knew he did these things before you married, so asking him to stop now is unreasonable. Don't break up the marriage and leave your daughter in a broken home if these two things are your only issues. Really.

Answer 10

Why does this sound familiar? wait, I have been through it myself!. My husband now is a recovery alcoholic. He did not drink 3 times a week, he did it almost every day. We are going now in our 27th year of marriage. I suffered it all. Cheating, drugs, alcohol and what not.

The night before last my 20 year old son played a song for me to hear. It says something like this: "THANKS MOM AND DAD FOR KEEPING IT TOGETHER, BECAUSE WE WOULDN'T KNOW HOW. This meant a lot to me.

I could have made my husband live me, I had my chances to leave him, I chose to stay and I don't regret it. I thank God every day of my life, and our kids thanks us.

Stay off of your husband's back, be happy, and believe me, my kids are not seek because he smokes. Also, He can smoke outside cant' he?