Poem written this Fall, ready to be trashed by all of you experts?

Question

HAUNTED
A trap door in the labyrinth of my mind
Opens up to let the ghosts inside.
All I ever learned and rethought
Is simmering there in a great black pot,
And it's boiling over, hot as hell;
Guess it's time to cast the spell,
Removing myself from this reality
That constantly lashes out at me.
It seems I'm always down below-
When you look at me, do you get vertigo?
Because you're up there so high and proud;
Hope you can see through the clouds
Of suspicion and discontent
That loom over me so imminent,
Like the doom that you put me into...
Wish I were a bit more like you,
But I'm not, and I just can't get past
The way the hands of fate are cast.
I'm bluer than blue here in the black,
Not looking forward but I can't jump back
To how things were before I met you;
I can't blame anyone but me, 'cause I let you
Grow so much stronger at the cost of my pride.
Now I lock the door with the ghosts inside.

Coop: I felt the same way about that line but I was consumed by the Halloween Spirit at the time! lol

Autmlvr, thank you, you are right about why I write...

Sorry autumlov! (i'm a stickler on spelling!)

Answer 1

I may not be an expert, but I know damn good poetry when I read it. To hell with anybody that says any different. Your poetry is just plain beautiful; it pulls me into it each and every time. This one is twisting and twirling and has a beautiful rhythm and haunting message to it. Doesn't everyone have their ghosts inside??? I know I do.
Please, keep on writing. I enjoy your expressions, they are so powerful, though I suspect you write and create from your pain.
Blessings................ I can relate.

Answer 2

Haha, I don't want to trash it. How about instead, I help you make it better. I'll repost your poem with my suggestions in it so you can see what I'd change.

HAUNTED
A trap door in the labyrinth of my mind
Opens up to let the ghosts inside.
All I ever learned and rethought
Is simmering there in a great black pot,
And it's boiling over, hot as hell;
Guess it's time to cast the spell,
Removing myself from this reality
That constantly lashes out at me.
It seems I'm always down below-
When you look at me, do you get vertigo?
Because you (are) up there so high and proud;
Hope you can see (down) through the clouds
Of suspicion and (of) discontent
That loom over me(,) so imminent,
Like the doom that you put me into...
Wish I (could be just) a bit more like you,
But I (am) not, and I just can't get past
The way (that) the hands of fate are cast.
I'm bluer than blue here in the black, (Good!)
Not looking forward(, yet unable to) jump back
To how things were before I met you;
I can't blame anyone (else), (because) I let you
Grow so much stronger at the cost of my pride.
(So) now I lock the door with (all) the ghosts inside.

But very good. Use my suggestions if you want, if not, oh well, I tried. But see how in some places I helped it to flow better when you read it? Keep working on it, it's good right now, it has the potential to be amazing.

Best of luck

-Kelsey

Answer 3

I think it expresses your feelings quite well. Writing is a good outlet and helps you deal with the demons. You can never change the past. You need to forgive yourself for what you express "cause I let you".....who was the adult? You carry the blunt of an abuse you did not initiate is what is expressed in this poem. We all have em in one form or fashion....some lesser some more. You know there are a lot of things that happen under the sun and all is not good. Make amends with yourself and let go of a haunting past......no one is judging you nor will they. You are only hurting yourself. Let go because until you do ...... it will remain. The choice is yours. No, it is not easy. But you will rise above and help someone else that thinks no one understands them, see a clearer way by your "misfortune". You are ok.....really. ok.....you are strong are you wouldn't be doing this now.

Answer 4

This is a brilliant poem and it is well written, with some clever twists and turns of the imagination, and has something of a nostalgic charm, leaving off with an interesting question.

I think sometimes in life people would like to get back to how they once were or felt they were, but the answer is often to go forward, and in some way pick up the pieces as you go along, though sadly in some cases is not possible.

Answer 5

This is saved in my collection. I don't need poems but this has the message of the groups in life. You can almost see the winners as well organized and this girl fighting for sanity against the pressures placed on her just because she wanted to be alone. No one needs to teach her now . She knows what is happening.

Answer 6

2nd line: add out after let. Please don't try to rhyme so much, the great black pot think is rather awkward. Otherwise the subject matter and theme is excellent. I love how you keep making connections from one thing to the other. Overall its a good poem. Good Luck and keep writing.

Answer 7

Very good. I think you have something here. Only the line "Guess it's time to cast the spell," seems out of order. It did not seem to me to match the rest, reality.

Answer 8

I agree with Coop, that line doesnt quite fit. I had to slow down to read it. (i tend to skim). Its very revealing. Well written. Off to search for more of your stuff.....

Answer 9

I swear LC...you're going to make me get my stuff out of the dust and put it in here...LOL!!! Well done outside of a couple of rushed lines. CB

Answer 10

that is really good! i like it alot espically how you smoothly go from halloween to fate to halloween again

if you dont mind i suggest you call it
"a slight of hand and a twist of fate"