I need some mature and adult advice...?

Question

I am divorced with 4 children by my ex and am pregnant with my future husband's 1st child. We, needless to say, are struggling financially. Struggling but getting by. I am currently working part-time soon to be full time and very stressed about that.
My children are very high energy level kids that need a very structured and consistent routine. I will be working until 8 which is their bedtime so I will hardly ever see my kids or him. I feel very certain that i my be overdoing myself with this.
Any advice on how i can explain that if I'm gonna be working fulltime he needs to step up and be more active in the raising of the kids? Or the other option is for me to be a stay at home mom so that i can run the household in the most sane manner possible. I realize they are not his kids, bu t feel that we are in this together because we are a family now. I can't help but feel really selfish and like he'd be better off without me, which is sadly the truth....:( ( i know...boohoo!)

He would not be caring for the kids while I am at work. They will be at the daycare im working at, with me. The baby im pregnant with is his, and he wanted to have it. She was planned.

Answer 1

You can fairly offer him one of two options. Both require him to step up to the plate.

1) Help more around the house to take care of the kids. Some guys aren't wired to do it but most can learn if they really wanted to or they had to. I know some of the toughtest guys that braid hair because they are a single dad. He just may not be interested in doing it or won't feel comfortable doing it. If not, then there's plan B.

2) He needs to get a second job without belly aching because he has a family of 7 to support. It's easy to say but I am supporting a family of 6 and it is harder doing it by paying child support as opposed to them living in my home. Either way he will have to put about 3-5 hours a day doing something. He may be working at home or working at a second job but it has to be done. He will be fine, he won't die. I put in extra hours and would have looked at getting a second job if I had time. I know it may come to me working a second job or running a small business to bring in extra income.

Answer 2

I am sure that he is happy to become a part of your family! He knows what he is getting into and obviously he is fine with it because you are getting married. The financial situation is difficult though. I don't think that you should be working as much as you say you will be because even though you need money, your children need their mother much more. You didn't say what ages they were but from the sounds of it they are still young, below 14 years in age. Also, with the financial situation, being a stay at home mum is not really the most ideal arrangement either, but withe 4 kids and a baby on the way I have to say it seems like the best option, at least at the beginning. There are ways to earn money from home, like all of those online survey sites, but I am not sure how they really work because I have never used them. I really think that this is something you and your partner need to sit down and talk out with each other, because only you know hwat is best for your family. Good luck and I wish your whole family the best.

Answer 3

He knew you had the 4 children when you got together so now the question is how to make it work. Perhaps if you have the money to do that you may be able to train as a medical transcriptionist, to name just one field, so that you can stay at home and work.
You can sit and figure out a budget and see if you need to work full time by doing things such as buying bread at a day old store where the bread is still fresh but not fresh enough to be on a large chain store shelf many things that would sell for more in a regular store can be bought at a dollar store for just that, one dollar. you may think it selfish that you are working and he has to care for the kids but you can also look at it the other way, that he is selfish for being with the kids so that you have to work. Just talk to each other, try to find ways to save money, make up a family budget, love each other, and you can make it work out. Good Luck!!

Answer 4

Balancing motherhood and helping provide for the family is a constant struggle. If you stay home you'll feel like you need to be out earning money to help meet ends; on the other hand if you work outside the home you feel like you should be home for the family more.
Try making a list of all the pros and cons of both sides of the issue. Ask your husband to do the same. Then sit down together and discuss this. Let him know up front what you expect of him as a step-parent. Remember this is his first time to the dance and he may not know what he needs to do. At the same time ask him what he expects of you. Don't over react if he wants something you don't - work it out.

Answer 5

Well, I hate to be rude but the first question is why did you get pregnant again? That was probably not a smart thing. However, the baby is coming and that's all there is to that. If it's feasible for you to be a stay-at-home mom, I think you should. I stay at home with my kids and though sometimes it gets to me, overall it is the best decision. Kids today have no one in the home with them and they are being raised in daycare. Then they have all these issues and people wonder why. This is no offense to people who have to put their kids in daycare; they have no choice and that's also part of the problem. So many single moms have to use daycare because there are no damn dads anymore. It isn't their fault (or not totally) and the kids are being raised without feeling that they have a place in the family or that their mom is there for them.
As far as he goes, he may not want to take care of your kids since they aren't his. Does he have any other kids? If not, taking care of 4 might be way too much for him. You guys need to sit down and hash this sh!t out before it gets to be a problem.

Answer 6

Try starting a small business from home or working from home, which gives you hours that suit you and the children and the freedom to let you work at your pace and not someone elses. Taking on a fulltime job while pregnant will do more harm to your emotional state than good and it will cause irreparable damage to your relationship with your 'future' husband.

He would not have the same level of understanding or nurturing if you go to work and he is forced to raise 4 children that don't belong to him.

Answer 7

are you kidding? the hours between getting out of school and bedtime are the hours your children are going to be home after school and are the hours they eat, do homework, do sports and all the other things kids do. and you are going to be gone from the house and some guy who currently has zero kids is going to handle this??? plus,,,,,plus!!!! a newborn infant who deserves its own caretaker in the first place. you are dreaming if you think he is going to be up for this. this is not possible, and you are not facing reality, which is coming faster than you can say contraction. you need to be there for your now 5 kids. no man on earth is interested in taking care of 5 kids, including a newborn. this has disaster written all over it. tell him!!! to get the job that lasts til 8 pm. you need in the worst way to stay home, and take excellent care of the kids and your husband who only has one of these kids. or, straight up, your kids are going to suffer. i think you know what is up here, and you know this is not going to even remotely work. and some other advice for you that you did not ask for : birth control.

Answer 8

I'm sure he doesn't feel that he'd be better off without you. But I will say, you should only marry a man if he understands how important your children are and that he needs to be a father to them. This whole "his" children and "my" children....I know it's important but when you love a woman, you love her whole package and that means her children too. Don't ever feel like you need to apologize for them being around or feel like they are a burden. Even when you struggle, they are a gift. You need to sit down with him and talk about your finances because to me, it sounds like this needs to be a purely financial decision. Before you sit down with him, take a time out for yourself to sit down and go down the list of your monthly expenses. List them out and be sure to add a little cushion for savings. Then, look at what he makes to see if you can even afford to be a stay at home mom. If the 2 of you decide to take that route, there may be ways you can still make money like hosting Pampered Chef parties and other things. Then make a plan and sit down with him to see what he thinks. He'll be impressed that you took the time to be logical about it and make an effort to come up with a plan. Goodluck!

Answer 9

I know that your thinkings are down in the dump, because of your situation. If you have a true husband/boyfriend/fiance He will understand where your coming from, the best thing you can do is talk with him. No matter what the out come my come to just remember that everything happens for a reason..
I hope this helps out some.. I wish you good luck

Answer 10

Well all these issues need to be settled before you get married, getting married and not settling these issues is only going to lead to another divorce.... he has to be willing to accept you and your children as his own, this is going to be his family soon and you should not pursue anything till your absolutely sure this is what you both want...