HAVING A FAMILY or LIFELONG LOVE? What would you do??

Question

To be more specific... I'm currently in a relationship with the love of my life. I love him and know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. However we have different views on having a family. Having a family is important to me, I've always wanted a big family, and always wanted to start early. My love although wants a small family and wants it after his career has taken off (early - late thirties). Having a family early and large is something that I've always wanted. Now I know that things between the man I love wont work unless we agree, and we don't. I feel like I have to choose. Is this fair? What would you do? ADVICE please. Thankyou in advance.

Answer 1

I'd go with love... no matter what you'd still have a family eventually. Before I got married I always wanted to have kids before I reached 25... I wanted to be a younger mom. But the man I married is 5 1/2 years younger than me. I'm now 27 and no kids yet... none on the way either. My hubby was only 20 when we got married and not ready to have kids yet. Which I totally understand. But it means I had to rethink what I wanted in life. You don't always get what you imagine, heck you almost never do. What I do know is I want to have his kids, I love him and if that means I have to rethink what I want than that's not really too hard. We've kind of compromised on the issue. Compromise is the only way any relationships work. Hope yours works out!

Answer 2

I think it is not good to have a big family you are thinking to much into the future what if you don't have a good job and niether does he and you live in a 2 bedroom apartment 2 kids is okay but if you have 4 it is hard they will be all cramped up wait why are you so much in a hurry maybe after your first one you will not want to have anymore it is hard to have a babay beleive me and diapers and milk it is expense and college you need to make sure you save up at least 100 thousand a year just for college so think you have more to give with a small family. But think about why fight over this not wait a couple more years get stable and then think about it. Not now live life do fun and sponatnous stuff as you are young what is a couple more years and you can also see if you really think this man is the love of your life.

Answer 3

You are correct in that you have to choose.
I would ask him if he thinks you are the love of his life.
If he says yes and you believe him then give up your dream and go with his.

If you feel that you will be resentful if at some point you both finally say "ok lets start a family" and nothing happens or before you can say that something happens to one of you, then you should really think about what you want out of life.

Will you settle for the love of your life and a small family or just love and a large family?
I would go for the small family.
Actually, I did.
We are still in love after 25 years, but some days I did anddo wish we had more children together.

Answer 4

I feel bad for you.
I am in a similar problem. Maybe you should compromise?? Have 3 kids? You do not have to choose. Just do what you want. Talk with him. If you both really do love each other, you both can make sacrifices to be together. Instead of having a large family, have a medium family. But if compromising does not work, I do not know what to tell you.

Answer 5

Personally I think that you got this all wrong. You two do not have to agree in order to be happy and make a life together. It is called "compromise". Besides, now-a-days it is very hard to raise a houseful of children. Unless you are very wealthy and have great career jobs. You guys never discussed these things before you married? Shame on you both. You guys can work this marriage out and should at least try. You didn't say if you were married or not and I assumed that you were since this is a "marriage and divorce" column. If you are not married, then shame on me for assuming. (smile)

Answer 6

Having common goals in life is one of the biggest factors in a happy marriage! I hate to say it, but the "in-love" phase ends at some point...

Just ask yourself if you decide to marry him and only have a small family - will you ever resent him for that when you are older? If your answer could be yes- then don't marry him! And the same goes for him - if he only wants i.e. 1 kid and ends up running 5 to soccer practice and ballet and crafts - he might end up hating you for that! How sad would that be???

Seriously - if you can't picture you and him being happy with a maybe "medium" family - you need to go your separate ways!

Answer 7

So things won't work unless he decides what you want is the right thing...

I think a compromise is in order here, marriage is full of them so better to get used to it now...why not agree to a smaller family if you can get started earlier? Maybr have one child a year after you marry and then wait 5 years or so for another...

it's all about compromise!

Answer 8

He can't be the love of your life or you could'nt be considering letting him go.If your dream family means more to you then leave while you can. Fighting over children and worse [ones he dosent want] is horrible and no place for kids.Find someone with the same goals as you and count the cost of raising lots of children.
talk to people that have large families and get the pros and cons. And not and older generation things are very different today.

Answer 9

if he is truly the love of your life then you need to compromise. meet somewhere in the middle on this issue. it's not like he doesn't want kids he just wants to be able to give them what they need as well as the two of you. kids cost A LOT to raise. if you end the relationship over this and he is truly your one and only you will regret it for the rest of your life. you just need to give and take a little i'm sure the two of you can come to some mutual understanding about this that will make both of you happy.

Answer 10

I would choose family. Love comes and goes, but family stays. I can always find someone to love who feels the same way that I do about important issues.