Am I a bad person for this? Or is my ex more to blame?

Question

This is really embarrassing, as my whole life, I have always been the "good girl." I never did anything wrong at all in high school or even college. I married a man my parents adored, went to grad school, and had a baby. I looked great on paper, but I was very depressed as I was very isolated, taking care of our daughter 5 days per week and traveling 2 hours (1 way) to school 2 days per week (which was not at all conducive for forming friendships). The only person who ever saw me as more than a role (ie, wife, mother) was my husband's best friend, who had feelings for me. Both my husband and I knew this, so we all just kept reallyreally good boundaries. Things worked great. then one day, my husband asked if I wanted to have sex with his best friend. I did, because I no longer felt connected to him, but i didn't want an affair, so I said no. but he kept asking me (and his friend I found out later), and one night when we were a little drunk, my husband told him to, and so we did.

Afterwards, I realized that I did not want to be married to a man who would just give me away, so we are getting a divorce. He is telling everyone it is because I had an affair, and I am feeling like a pretty bad person. Yet he knew I was struggling and was in a very weak place and he pushed me to do it. So would you place more blame on me or on him? Or 50/50?

Answer 1

I think all the people responding need to grow up.
You definately arent a bad person. No one is to blame here. It's a funny thing, Love. It sounds like you two wanted to make it work, but he was insecure and you felt trapped and molded into this role you didnt expect would happen. My best friend had a baby with a man she no longer loves, shes a f/t stay at home mom and she is absolutely falling apart. It makes you desperate- to escape before you just give up and become one of 'those' people, those bitter housewives you know had a crossroad to give up or keep fighting for what it was they wanted. What was he thinking? Putting you both in that posistion? Anger or sheer apathy would make ANY wife/ mother on the rocks do what you did. I bet you're smacking your forehead- well stop. Everything is exactly how its supposed to be at this very moment. Something good will come from this, maybe in a few years- but it will. Personally, I think what happened to you would make the raddest desperate housewives episode ever!

Answer 2

I'm sorry to tell you this but the responsibility goes both ways on this. If you and your husband were having difficulties you might have tried to seek help for those problems. Instead you told him you wanted to have sex with his best friend when he asked you about doing so but didn't because you would not have wanted to have an affair. Now you wish to blame your state of drunkenness for your allowing this to happen! Your husband tells him to, his friend does it and you consent? I don't really care what kind of shape you're in...you ultimately said yes when you should have walked away.

What your husband's problem is I don't really know. He may have been baiting you to see what you'd do. He may be aroused by such a thing happening or maybe he's just a tad off the beam!

You wish to assess blame and it doesn't belong here. You both are a party to what had already gone wrong before this came up and all a party to what went on that night. You do what he asks you to do and now you are offended by his "giving you away" as he did! You've left out a good portion of the story and I don't wonder why. He knew you were struggling? How? No one gets "Pushed" unless they are pushable to begin with! What rubbish...if you want out, then go about setting it up so that can get out. Either that or go and get some counselling for yourself and your marriage.

Answer 3

I'm of the belief that in a relationship it's always 50/50. Both of you have made your choices - there's no way around it. Try not to care about what he says, and move on with your life. You do need to make friends and form a social network - or your next relationship might be the same as the last one. And there's nothing wrong with doing what other people would consider a "wrong thing" - sometimes. Find your own boundaries, and do what feels right to YOU. Good luck.

You might want to get evaluated for depression.

Answer 4

He is just trying to lay the blame on you. i may only still be a kid, but even i know something like that is just horrible. I also have depression problems, and know how hard it is to follow relationships/friendships.
I'm sorry, but something like this happening has made you want to believe something has to be blamed, and it actually doesn't. You, your ex, and his friend are all to blame for the affair, but no one is to blame for your lack of strengthening your relationship with your ex, because it was a decision made when hormones were whirling, and everything was not thought through fully.
Lead a happy life, and good luck with everything.

Answer 5

Wow. You're not a bad person. Sounds like you just want some love. He sounds like an asshole. For all court rulings, he will win, because you commited adultry, which is maybe what he really wanted. You need to find out if HE's had any affairs, which he probably has. is the friend still willing to be with you, or was this a wife-swap thing? Other than that, your good girl persona can get you in trouble, just because you're "innocent" and trying things. go with your gut, and stick with people who really care, and aren't going to pawn you off to your best friend.

Answer 6

Wow.
Sorry to hear your situation. First off - there are issues on both sides. You are past the blame game.
Make sure starting today you find a way to put YOU as a priority and make sure to value yourself- it seems you did not do that and worried about making everyone else happy. He obviously has issues- no man who loves a woman would EVER share them.
My advice. Divorce is a fresh start for you- you have your child and make sure your raise him/her right by showing that mommy is strong and takes care of herself and values herself. The way you let others treat you and the way you act teaches your children how to act. I know this because I was taught do as i say not as I do. That does not work.
You are worth more than a man who would share you and yes you were wrong to because you should value yourself more and have respect for your marriage.Last advice- no matter what try not to talk bad about him around your child- it really will affect him/her.
Best of luck to you- and don't beat yourself up learn from what you have been thru.

Answer 7

You were both ready for this marriage to end, otherwise a situation like this wouldn't have happened. Being "a little drunk" isn't a very responsible excuse for doing someone else. Common, but not very believable.
Unfortunately, you're going to have to live with the consequences of your actions. You can't change what happened. Your husband sounds like a jerk and no offense, but you don't sound all that smart to do your husband's best friend.

Answer 8

There's no such thing as the "good girl." We all grow up and make mistakes one time or another.

Stop being so hard on yourself. He's a jerk for caring so little about you that he'd allow his BEST FRIEND to have sex with you.

I think the divorce sounds like a good idea, since obviously, the two of you didn't really care about each other. Nor did you have a stable relationship.

Answer 9

I wouldn't worry about blame you have enough going on. Just be glad your rid if him quit dwelling on things you can't change and get on with life.
In the end you are the one that spread your legs that's the fact. If cornered give your side but for God's sake quit dwelling on it. There is no reason to feel bad because your hub was a jerk that pushed you into doing something. (even if you wanted t)

Answer 10

It's all on you. He was testing you, which was a stupid thing to do on his part, but you are an adult woman, capable of understanding right from wrong. If you didn't want to be married to him, then divorce him, but you can't blame him for sleeping with his best friend. Drunk or not, you knew you were still married.
Own it, and deal with it.