What are you trying to say?
He used to thank me
but now all i hear is..'what are you trying to say'?
for every sweet words spoken day after day
he used to thank me...
but now all i hear is..'what are you trying to say'?
for all the talks we had before we lay
he used to thank me...
but now all i hear is..'what are you trying to say'?
for all the i love yous i sent his way...
he used to thank me...
but now all i hear is..'what are you trying to say'?
for all the *hugs my words could relay
he used to thank me...
but now all i hear is..'what are you trying to say'?
for all the longings with him i share
he used to thank me...
but now all i hear is..'what are you trying to say'?
So if i ask him now 'do you still love me today'?
No he's not going to thank me...
I know what it's gonna be..
for the last time...'what are you trying to say'?
2007-11-07 04:46:09 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Ross...go ahead and rewrite it yourself...you don't know how many sleepless nights it took me to write that poem...one! can you imagine that?! i'm gonna tell you to my mommy!!!
Waaaaah!!!!
;P
2007-11-07 05:44:26 · update #1
This is certainly a poem. Repetition is an effective poetic device. It conveys a feeling of loneliness and sorrow and what used to be. I would say "going to" instead of "gonna" because all the rest of the poem is in standard English as "what are you trying..." so I would keep the standards up at the end. I was really moved as I read your poem.
2007-11-07 04:57:24 · answer #1 · answered by Elaine P...is for Poetry 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I didn't find this annoyingly repetitive at all- I think the repetition of the phrases are the whole meaning of the poem and therefor really hit home emotionally and have a lot of impact. The poem is really good. I've read your other poems and you have so much talent and promise.
2007-11-07 13:02:21 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Poetry is not a science, therefore there are no rules. Some like modern art personally I hate it. Some might not like the poem's repetitiveness, but to me that gives it the strength. Maybe you need to have been there to appreciate it.
9/10 for me.
2007-11-07 14:27:43 · answer #3 · answered by wersmynuts 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You could have said what you had to say without such excessive repetition. Dont listen to the other answers that tell u thats OK. Its not! Rewrite the poem and repeat that line only at the end.
2007-11-07 13:35:01 · answer #4 · answered by Ross C 1 · 0⤊ 2⤋
if it wasn't repetitive it wouldn't give across the feeling it does.i like this alot....i don't know why but it hits home for me....i like your other poem i read too....keep writing.
2007-11-07 12:55:23 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Repetition if done effectively adds emphasis. I like what you done here. Great job on the...poem
Write on!!
Earth
2007-11-07 13:02:51 · answer #6 · answered by Earth the Poet 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
its a poem alright.
2007-11-07 12:57:18 · answer #7 · answered by littleragu21 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
yup..why not..it may be annoying to u..but it definitely is a poem....cheers..
2007-11-07 12:54:44 · answer #8 · answered by tramixstar 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋