How do I get over not liking my step children?

Question

I have a small problem... I love my husband with all my heart!!! But his kids drive me crazy! They lack respect, responsibility, disapline, and manners. Course it's not their fault, and I would like to believe that its not ours either. I would love to point all the blame on their mother. Thats not right either though. They are only 6 and 8 but I know it will get worse before it gets better. They live with their mom 99% of the time. So who gets the blame? How do I fix this to make our lives eiser?!-- HELP!

These were very insightful answers.. Thank you all! I will try my best to take all of your wonderful advice.

Answer 1

I dont think it's right to blame anyone. They are young children in a new situation. Try putting yourself in their shoes and how uncomfortable this new situation must be for them. Children are alot smarter than they let on and I'm sure they can sense some tension between you all. Maybe you could set aside a special day out of the month and plan a day for just you and the children and try something fun, and slowly start to establish the rules of your house that you would like them to follow, if you push too hard their behavior will only get worse. Try to remember that they are in the same situation as you. hope this helps best of luck to you.

Answer 2

I love this question. You are so completely honest, and good hearted. Stay that way and don't let the situation make you to crazy. Depending on what areas the kids are trying, feed them the opposite. Pointing the finger at anyone will not make them better. It is difficult when you have two sets of values, yours at your home, and the mothers, at their other home. So, if the 6 or 8 year old is really bad, always talks back, makes a mess all the time, you just simply mentally feed them the opposite. It's like you said, it's not their faults. You tell then the are soooo clean and neat, and soooo smart, so pretty. You tell then that they are writers, actors, doctors, cooks, the best helpers. This works! They are bad because they are being told that. Simply tell them the opposite. Feed good and watch your reward in front of your eyes. If you ever catch someone feeding them anything other, you should take it personal regardless if it is Daddy, or the other Mommy. Take the adults aside and explain. Tell your kids they are geniuses!!! This is alot of work, but the compensation is immeasurable!!!

Answer 3

You've gotten a lot of great advice and I find it difficult to add on anything else. Just one other thing; if the kids only come over for one hour a year (I'm sure it's more than that, lol) then you and your husband need to make it abundantly clear that for that one hour they w i l l n o t act like heathens. They will be well mannered, polite, and behaved. If they are not then they will be punished for the entire hour they are there. Whether your husband and his ex are cordial or not, they NEED to have a discussion about the kids for the kids sake. They need to come up with a solution. Just don't invite yourself along or make your husband invite you, you need to be invited willingly by the ex. Your being there may make her (or you) hostile. You can not fix this alone. Do not worry about who gets the blame, just assume you have it and help work towards a solution. Good luck! :)

P.S. Shame on all of you for attacking her. She is genuinely concerned. Telling her it's her fault for marrying a guy with kids does not solve the issue on hand. She could have thought about it for all of eternity and still had the same issues. You shouldn't be so crass.

Answer 4

The kids come with the package, as you know. I think it's great and open-minded of you that you have not regressed - as most people do - to blaming the ex for everything.

For the sake of the kids, it's probably not a bad idea to define your role with the kids (ie. have a conversation with your husband and his ex about what is most appropriate) so that you can avoid the nasty arguments about how the children are raised and / or disciplined.

Consider also that they are a physical symbol that your husband had a life with someone else before you - and be careful not to take that out on the kids. They didn't ask for a jigsaw family.

Finally, don't be afraid to raise your concerns with your husband about the kids. You are showing your interest in the kids being healthy and productive adults. But tread lightly since people can become defensive when they think they are being criticized. And, don't forget, they are kids. They will do silly and thoughtless things.

Answer 5

You're on the right path, acknowledging that the fault lies not in the kids.

What you do is establish rules for your home, with your husband. He's got to back you up any time you enforce them. You present a united front to the kids, and try to be scrupulously fair about rule enforcement.

Maybe the rule is that the kids set the table, and the penalty is no dessert. When you've told them twice to set the table, reminding them of the penalty the second time, and they don't, so you set it yourself, neither you nor your husband can cave in to their pleas, whining, or tantrum (depending on the kid and what's worked for him/her in the past). Stand firm.

It may help you get to know their inner beings if you find fun things to do as a family when they're with you, especially things that they can talk through (as opposed to movies, sports participation, etc.). Ask them for suggestions for activities, and offer several choices from their suggestions and your own. Let them decide whether you're playing a board game, going hiking, baking cookies or reading aloud all afternoon, and make sure everybody participates. Their dad can't slip away because he's not really into baking cookies.

Being a step parent is a special challenge, but people who love a parent rise to it all the time. You can, too.

Answer 6

It shouldn't be about who's to blame but how to resolve the issue.
Take into consideration that the kids probably don't like the idea of the parents being with other people. So maybe they feel caught and in the middle of things, and not sure where they belong. And at their maturity level, they really don't know how to express their anger and frustrations in a "mature" manner.
It is their parents responsibility to discipline the kids. However, you are caught in the middle. So maybe ask them what they feel is appropriate measures for you to take to help the household run smoother when the kids come to visit.

Maybe when the kids do come around, take them some place where they can release that pent up energy: Chuckie Cheese Pizza, the park, ice or roller rink.......that way they wear themselves out, and go to bed early!

They may be with you part-time, but you'll have this to deal with for as long as you are married to their father. So do things that will relieve your frustrations as well; reading, jogging, a punching bag.

Answer 7

It's up to the parents to make sure they are socialized human beings.
As a step parent, you don't have much say. I know because I'm one and after several counseling sessions and lots of $$, I've learned:
1. You are only the step parent. Therefore, discipline is not an issue you should deal with
2. Demand that your husband teach his children to treat you and others with respect. If they don't learn from their parents, they won't likely learn it.
3. You can expect the children treat you with respect. Just don't accept anything less
4. The blame game will get you no where. These poor kids need guidance and it's sad that their parents aren't making sure they have it.
Good luck to you. Step parenting is the hardest job I've ever had.

Answer 8

Hi.. 6 and 8 year olds are active, and they are coming to realize they are independent people.

You're right it's not your fault they lack respect, discipline and manners, but i have to tell you, 6 and 8 year olds aren't ready for responsibility and every one of them on this earth have to be reminded more often than not, to take care of their things, etc. It's not hard wired into a 6 or 8 year old to be "responsible".

Children learn to respect their parents when their parents respect THEM first, starting when they are babies -- so there's your answer to that -- plus the fact, they don't get to see their father except 1% of the time, according to what you said.. and they are probably feeling a little bit abandoned by him? I can't say for sure, I'm not there.

Maybe their father needs to spend quality time with them when they visit, and do things with just the two of them?

I don't understand why you want to blame someone? We all know their formative years are OVER and you have what you are going to get....

It's YOUR home, in the meantime, and expect the children to behave accordingly. You aren't in this to win a popularity contest, but you are a role model in their lives, like it or not.

Answer 9

Being married to someone with kids from a prior relationship is no easy task! And people will always tell you that you should have thought about that before, however, I disagree. I don't think anyone can prepare for what's ahead when it comes to someone elses kids. Nothing goes according to plan....

My first suggestion is to talk to your husband. Try to avoid saying "your kids...." and tell him how you feel. Explain that they're not your kids and you realize this, but try and come up with some "house rules" with your husband and HE needs to implement them. Regardless if these are stepkids or not, ANY person setting foot in your household needs to respect your rules.

The other thing is that these kids already have a mother. I'm not saying you're trying to be a mother to them, but think of things from their perspective. Their parents split and unless their Mom is remarried, this might be even harder for them to see their Dad moving on.

I don't know their mother or what she's about but kids need boundaries. And maybe your husband needs to TRY to talk about some rules that they can have together in both houses to try and keep the kids on as much of a consistent schedule as they can.

Baby steps....it's all about baby steps! Remember that you and your husband need to work together and keep open lines of communication going. And he needs to try and stay open with his ex the best he can. If you bottle up and say nothing, then it'll create bigger problems later down the road.

I wish you SO much luck! Being a stepmom is a very tough and thankless job and it's not always easy. But you'll get through it one way or another. Just be open and honest (and considerate) and you'll be okay...good luck!

Answer 10

never, NEVER try to be the mother, act like a mother or sound like a mother to them. One thing is very important to always remember ... you will NEVER BE their mother. I know you are saying "i know that" let me tell you knowing it and acting it is a different story. You approach these kids and you make sure they understand that you are nothing but their best friend, you support them, help them and talk to them about respect, love, behavior, responsibility as a friend not even as an adult ... try put yourself in the shoes of an 8 year old girl and act like it with them .... they will be more sensitive to what you say and in no time you may see some difference in the way they act ... because they will listen and will try to impress you. It worked for me and my step child ... i am his buddy not his dad, i let mom do the discipline, and i never interfere between them two, they still have their "own" time together without me around ... guess what. that kid respects me more then he does his own dad, why? Because i never imposed myself on him. good luck.