Throw your emotions away....
Throw your emotions unto the sea
Let the tides wash them away
Away untill you're free
feel the wind drying up those tears
when light seems too blinding
close your eyes and drift as you lay
as you lay awake dreaming
soon the night shall fall
the moon embraces you with a hush
the stars shall smile upon your face
glimmering shimmering sparks
more beautiful than ever
than ever your eyes have seen
in the entirity of your lonely....
lonely being.
2007-11-07 04:31:32 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
This reminds me in some ways of the first part of "Dover Beach," one of my favorites - though the thematic structure of yours is probably the inverse of that in "Dover Beach." You use strong, vivid imagery when you write (now I'm repeating myself, but I forgive me...), and it gives a weight to your work. I also enjoy the repetition in this one, and the occasional internal rhyme you use.
I would like to see some punctuation in here, just to enhance the pacing of your poem. A well-placed comma can really help control the rhythm and tempo in a poem. For instance, at the end of line 2, and then again after the "Away" in line 3, you could use commas to lend emphasis to each "away" there. Also, if you don't feel a pause after the second "away," using commas elsewhere would let the reader know that there are pauses elsewhere, but not there.
Great work again on this.
2007-11-07 05:25:00 · answer #1 · answered by Jeff R 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I like this one as well as the other I wrote to you about. This one has more imagery. I especially love "the moon embraces you," it's startling imagery. You have talent. I would suggest that you trash the "uuuhh" parts of your questions. For me, at least it detracts from the very literate words that follow. Keep writing.
2007-11-07 13:04:56 · answer #2 · answered by Elaine P...is for Poetry 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
wow that's really good
i just started weriting poetry and let me tell you, some thing come easily, but most of it it is hard, really really hard.
close your eyes and drift "as you lay
as you lay" awake dreaming
you don't need 2 "as you lay" just put awake dreaming alone on that live, or put it with the "close your eyes" thing
make sure you cheak all your spelling and grammer,
other then those minor mistakes (likethe one i make all the time :D) it's really good!
keep it up!
2007-11-07 12:41:41 · answer #3 · answered by black.rose12 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I like it. Some parts don't flow that well but it is very good. You might also want to try and use some punctuation. But once again very good.
2007-11-07 12:42:32 · answer #4 · answered by littleragu21 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Intriguing...
2007-11-07 12:50:27 · answer #5 · answered by Califiyah 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I enjoy it. It seem to me (what I get from it) that you shouldn't worry to much for tommorrow will be better
2007-11-07 12:42:44 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Liked it. Keep writing, you have talent.
2007-11-07 12:40:05 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
hmm.......nice...good one....nice refreshing style...Keep the good work up!!
2007-11-07 13:15:22 · answer #8 · answered by tramixstar 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋