If a husband cheats because his wife denies him sex, isn't it sort of her fault that he cheated?

Question

I've always had a high sex drive. Before we were married, my wife convinced me that we had to wait until we're married to have sex. So I waited (for 4 years) while she was finishing college. Then we got married and at first we had sex somewhat regularly. But lately, she's been coming up with one excuse after another to avoid sex. For one thing, she seems to be on her period for at least two weeks out of the month. If she's not on her period, she complains that she doesn't feel well enough for sex. I've been getting more and more frustrated with the lack of sex in our marriage. I've always thought that cheating is selfish and wrong, but now I'm starting to think it might be a necessary evil. To me, sex is like a fundamental human need like eating or sleeping. I waited for years because I thought this need would be fulfilled after marriage, but now I feel just as frustrated as I was before getting married. Am I wrong for having these feelings? What am I supposed to do in this situation?

It's not that I've become less attractive after marriage. I know some people let themselves go after marriage. But I've actually been working out a lot lately, and I've been getting in pretty good shape.

I've tried talking to her about this, but she just brushes it off. She knows it's a priority to me, but she acts like she doesn't care. I've bought her several books on sex to try to pique her interest, but hardly opened them.

Just to clarify, this is purely a hypothetical question. I am not intending to actually go out and find someone to cheat with. I've just been frustrated and thinking a lot.

Thank you to everyone who actually empathized a little before answering. I know this is a touchy subject and it seems to have struck a nerve with some people. I was just wondering how people felt about it.

I'm not saying cheating is justified. But regardless of whether it's right or wrong, to me it seems as though a person who habitually denies his or her partner sex is partially to blame if his or her partner cheats.

Answer 1

Oh my hell ... there are a LOT of stupid answers here. Look, this is very simple ...

The answer is NOT black and white. It varies per couple. But I GUARANTEE that when there is infidelity, it did not happen in a vacuum - that is to say, there is no ONE person to blame.

FIRST: the cheater/potential cheater in the relationship has the responsibility to have enough self control to handle the situation RESPONSIBLY. That means NOT cheating. Period.

HOWEVER ... I fail to understand why a woman who "starves out" her husband (or vice versa) feels like she has no culpability (blame) in this scenario. Did you really think he was just going to go without? REALLY? I swear it's this same type of woman who gets all bent out of shape when she finds her husband viewing porn after weeks of ignoring him sexually. I mean, really - what did you THINK would happen?

Answer 2

blah blah blah cheating is wrong.. Put the shoe on the other foot. The woman is wrong for denying a husband. If you cheat, don't tell her. The guilt will go away.

Answer 3

First you need to talk honestly with your wife. Maybe there is something you can do to make her more receptive to sex. If she just is not interested I would be honest with her about your feeling. Some women are open to having an open relationship in those conditions. Some arent. I have been where you are. Twice. And tried both of the above and they didn't work. And I ended up cheating and then divorced (I recommend just getting divorced instead of cheating). The truth is that you cannot stay in a relationship where your sexual needs are not met. But it is also important to be clear about your expectations. If you need a minimum of once a week sex then tell her. She may be negotiable. I think women are more willing to negotiate then men for sure.

Answer 4

to answer your question, it's not your wifes' fault if you cheat. to cheat is a decision you make. you may feel driven to fulfill your needs outside of the bounds of your marriage because your wife is denying you something that, as you say, is a fundamental need. you and your wife may be unbalanced due to your high sex drive and her lack of desire, however. the first thing you need to do is find out what is going on in her head, not her nether regions. first, i commend you for respecting her decision to remain chaste before the marriage. not many people in the modern world respect chastity anymore. anyway, you and she sound like your communication has broken down. there has got to be a reason that she is rejecting you. is she pregnant, assuming she is of childbearing age? hormonal changes can affect a womans' sex drive. is she premenopausal? did she have a bad sexual experience in her past? i know she made you wait to have sex before your marriage, but that doesn't mean that she may not have been assaulted by someone in her past. and as far as you are concerned, are you a gentle, tender, considerate lover, or are you rushed, and interested in your own satisfaction? good sex starts in the head. women take quite a longer period of time to become aroused sexually. if a man rushes the sex act before his partner is ready, sex can be painful and she may not want to engage. she may anticipate this and cringe at the thought. you talk about the fact that you are attractive, but what you've got to understand is physical attraction means nothing if you're not attractive in other ways. sounds like the two of you need to have an honest conversation. have you considered that she may possibly not be attracted sexually to males? these are some things to think about. may not be comfortable, but please have an open mind. get an unbiased third party, a counselor, someone professional to intervene and serve as a go between. don't be angry with her. try to be understanding. you both deserve to be happy. i wish you both the very best

Answer 5

Well it's wrong to point the finger but if you did cheat, it would be both her fault AND yours - only because relationships are meant to be reciprocal.

If you really want to have sex with your wife, try seducing her and getting her into the mood rather than being too direct. You could even try to make her "feel" good first and see if it leads to something, though even if it doesn't, at least it would get her a bit more sexual.

Nevertheless, you should really talk to her about it and be persistant if she tries to brush it off. Sex shouldn't be such a daunting subject for a married couple, not unless if the one who doesn't want to do it has an ulterior reason for not wanting to have sex. It might be serious, it might not.

Talking it over is better than going out and cheating.

Answer 6

I think it would be best to sit down with your wife...explain how you are feeling and offer to do anything to save the relationship. You will truly be lowering yourself to less of a person if you cheat on your wife. If it is THAT bad, leave the relationship first. You should really offer up some counseling....maybe a couple of sessions would do you guys some good. Perhaps the feelings are on her end....insecurity or maybe she never really was attracted to you. Whatever they may be...you don't have a right to cheat or blame her for your actions. You must take some steps first to try and solve the issue(s), then if you feel that it is hopeless for you, leave the relationship and move on to a situation where you can have the sex you want.

Answer 7

So I take it that your wife is putting a gun to your head to make you feel this way. Or maybe she made a tape telling you to go out and defy your marriage vows and plays it at night while you are sleeping so your subsconcious hears it over and over, right? No? Then how the hel l could it be her fault at all?

Welcome to married life. Maybe you are pushing to hard, how often do you bring it up? Is that all you talk about? If so, then I would say that I don't blame her for not wanting to talk about it. Maybe you should give it a rest for a couple of days. Plan a time to talk to her again, but this time, don't sound so desperate. You know, there are physical and mental illnesses that could also cause your wife to have those feelings as well, I would think you would be worried about her and any possible issues she may have, rather than to worry about when you are going to get some next.

While sex is a fundamental human need, it is also a very personal and emotional attachment to the person you love. If you are committed in a relationship, there is no worse offence. If you cheated, do you think your wife will say it was ok? No matter what the situation was?

Who cares how long you waited, that was your choice, all she did was tell you what you wanted, YOU decided to wait for her. It is the same with cheating. If you decide to do so, it is YOUR choice, not hers.

You are married now, isn't it time to grow up?

Answer 8

My opinion, you are being so disrespected if she will not make love to you. That is so important, especially if you're her husband. So many woman think it's not important, but you're right. It is like eating and sleeping.

Marriage is when the couple loves, respects, trusts and communicates about everything with their spouse. They should be doing anything to make their spouse happy, not themselves. If they are selfish, they should be alone.

If you tried to talk with her and she's ignoring you, then you have to take total control here. Get your self respect, pride and dignity and don't ask, THREATEN that this has to stop! That you are a man and you want to have sex. Ask her if she loves you? Does she care about you and the way you feel? Does she want you to be happy? Is she happy? Does she have a problem when you make love or with anything else? Say, this is beginning to cause a problem in our marriage and you want answers, because you have the right to know if it effects your marriage. That will effect your life!

Get going! You have some work to do, because you should not accept that. Good Luck

Answer 9

Personally I believe that if you are in a relationship and either party denies the other physical contact it is wrong. If there is a problem get it resolved. If one party chooses not to engage in sex than I for one would find comfort elsewhere. I would get out of the marriage also. When you get married you are committing your life physically, mentally, and emotionally to the other person. When there is a continual break down in any or all of these areas who could truly expect the relationship to survive?
Your feeling of discontent are human nature. I love to have physical contact it daily I feel secure and fulfilled.

Answer 10

Communicate this to her. - I am going through the same thing with my boyfriend right now he doesn't want it and I do. I told him how I felt and what I need and (in one ear and out the other) I even rented porno's and it didn't work I went and bought sex toys and nothing! I told him, I was going to go outside of the relationship and get it and he don't care. He has no desire to have sex. I am ending the relationship because we are not emotionally involved or physically so nothing is left.

Good luck - maybe something will work for you.