I just found out that my husband (42) has been going to the gym with a much younger woman (in her 20s). He says that she just wanted him to her and give her advice with her workouts. If this is true, then why was it kept a secret. Why is she calling him to let him know when she'll be there or not? It seems like their meeting. He assures me that he loves me but I still can't shake the fact that he lied when he told me he hasn't met anyone there. This woman also works with him. It hurts so much especially since we've been together for 15 years and had recently gotten married just last year. I really need to understand why I'm hurting so much. Please help me.
2007-11-06 18:37:02 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You're hurting because the length of your marriage seemed not to matter to your husband with him not being honest even with that "non-malicious" meetings he's having with the girl. I won't say he's cheating as finality. Take time to ponder upon your husband's character. Is he someone like the one he's behaving right now? Not being open with you about his meetings/whereabouts? It's really bad when you find out things from other people instead of from your own husband. Talk to him. Ask him why he's keeping it secret especially if he doesn't used to be like that in your relationship. For both your peace of mind..
2007-11-06 18:44:03 · answer #1 · answered by debbiedotnet 2 · 2⤊ 2⤋
Get the book called Divorce Busters immediately.
Meantime, learn all you can about the girl - her name where she lives, her parents, relatives, friends, neighbors, etc.
Check his email and cell phone bills while this is going on.
Some options to start thinking about:
1 Confronting her - surprise her after work and tell her that you know what is going on and to call your husband right in front of you and break it off and for him to never contact her for anything other in the office for purely business purposes - no more calls, email, text msg secret gym meetings, etc to him ever. If she does not cooperate, then you apply social pressure by telling her parents, friends, her boss, neighbors, minister, church, everyone what a homewrecking whore she is. This is why you first learn all about her.
2. You and your husband join another gym together.
3. You confront your husband (be more careful with him because if he refuses to cooperate, you will probably have to separate or divorce him) - you have him call her right in front of you (so you know it's over) and tell her not to contact him anymore - no calls, text msg, email, meetings. That he loves you and is not about to jeopardize his marriage. Social pressure can also be applied to him - telling his parents and siblings, your minister, church, friends what is going on.
4. Call the TV program "Cheaters" and maybe they will track him and verify what's going on for you.
5. You could invite her to your party and introduce her to several handsome young men nearer her own age.
6. You could put on a wig and go snooping at the gym to see what you can see through the windows or in the parking lot. Collect any evidence of cheating for divorce court if you have to go there.
7. Send him flowers at work for Valentine's Day and his birthday. Occasionally show up, looking gorgeous to go to lunch with him. Make sure he has a fabulous picture of you on his desk.
Observation:
1. Unless he's a personal trainer, why would he think himself qualified to give her advice with her workouts.
2. The sneakiness of it - him not telling you and her being young enough to be his daughter.
Gather yourself a support system - a counselor, minister, and friends who can help you through this - because if you start nagging him, he will be even more flattered by her attention. You must be sweeter, kinder than her by far. And more charming!!! Just imagine all the compliments she must be lavishing on your husband. Take super good care of yourself. Be pretty, fun, a delight to come home to.
If they are having an affair, you could wait it out since she will probably get tired of being stuck with a married man who won't leave his wife. Then, she'll get impatient and start nagging him.
Of course, you'll have to decide what you want to do yourself - no one else can do that for you.
The hurt you feel is normal - he omitted (or lied) about what is going on at the gym. And the fear that he will run off with this 20 year old.
Best wishes and joy to you!
2007-11-07 03:45:59 · answer #2 · answered by frillyfroofroo 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He may not be cheating, as in having sexual intimacy with this gym/office cohort, but the fact that he feels the need to keep it a secret or even lie about these meetings with her is reason enough for you to be alarmed. That is probably the reason why you are feeling hurt so much. Along with that he comes up with such a lame flimsy excuse as if you're a fool to even believe any this is for real. If there is any advice to be handed out it would be from you to the two of them to cut the bogus ruse they're running and to stay away from each other. This holds double for your husband who seems to be preoccupied with other things less important than his marriage to you. (or his impending divorce if he keep this up)
2007-11-07 03:29:06 · answer #3 · answered by quantumview 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You may be over analyzing him and you may not. The best thing you could do is to tell him to stop going to that gym and find another and for him to end any relations with that girl.
He may not have done anything, but I am sure he's been tempted. He should not put him self in a position where there could be temptation. Its better to avoid temptation all together, so you are not caught in a weak moment. If he refuses to end it then he has either cheated or wants to have a back up plan a plan B so to say. Guys should not have women Friends its just to risky. women shouldn't have guy Friends either because it makes your partner uncomfortable.
2007-11-07 02:48:57 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋
I would look further into this. He kept it a secret and is meeting another woman. Where there is smoke there is usually fire. There are people at the gym to give you advise on your workouts.
2007-11-07 03:46:41 · answer #5 · answered by kim h 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I found a whole bunch of porn on my husband's phone on Sunday. He says he looks at it when he's working night shift. I don't have a problem with the porn per say, but the fact that he does it behind my back and our sex life leaves TONS to be desired, cracks my already broken self-image into irreparable pieces!
I confronted him and told him he has till the end of this month to get himself sorted out, along with all his personal issues that he's refused to deal with for the past 4 years of our relationship, or our marriage is over!
Tell him you want to enroll in gym too and make it a joint adventure. If he gets uncomfortable then you know there's something cooking.
Go to the gym when they're there and take photos of unnatural behavior, or put yourself at ease that there is nothing going on.
Keep your whits about you, it's not easy, I know. In fact, it's soul destroying! I can't even begin to describe the soul destroying agony I feel, so I can imagine how you're feeling!!!
You're in my prayers!
2007-11-07 02:52:25 · answer #6 · answered by Ethan-Mikyle's Mommy! 4 · 2⤊ 2⤋
I believe when my dad was having an affair with another woman behind my mum back it started the same way as yours. What I think you should do, that my mum did not, is to reeally find out and confront the situation up front. If you need to see this woman, do so in a control environment. The last thing you would like to be seen is as being over reacted. Find out the what really happen between them try to be involved. And if you have concerns talk to him and addressed to him firmly. He have to know you dont like it what is going on now.
2007-11-07 02:49:10 · answer #7 · answered by bell 1 · 2⤊ 2⤋
You should join the gym too. Or at least try to be a part of "their relationship". Suggest all three of you going to dinner, or even just lunch, If he is hesitant, then sorry to say but your instincts are probaly right. You may not want to do this b/c you are scared, but maybe if she meets you she will realize that he is married and back off .
2007-11-07 02:49:14 · answer #8 · answered by sden2616 4 · 3⤊ 1⤋
u r hurting so much becuase deep down in ur heart u probably know he is seeing her then he lied in the first place,he is lieng bcause he does not want to get caught ,u know now and he is still seeing her.the heart rarely tells u a lie .most men that have another that naeeds advice r probably giving advice in the bedroom as well as the gym , i dont put anything past men .and y is he seeing this other woman ,easy sex or he may have feelings 4 hr as well.he will probably lie bcause he has too much to loose not just u but his investments.
2007-11-07 06:07:02 · answer #9 · answered by kim27 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
I just went through an almost exact experience. My husband worked with a girl and started talking about her more and more eventually they would play online together. so I turned myself in to mrs. PI one night made a fake screenname logged on to her gameroom began to befriend her she opened up admitting she had feelings for him but I blew it because I immediately went balistic on him and he freakin told her. only to find out he had been picking her up and taking her home everyday he defended her to me and everything. my advice is to investigate deeper but keep your cool dont blow your cover untill your convinced he's not or he's caught red handed. Ask a girlfriend he is not familar with to go to the gym and try watching body language or possibly pieces of conversation. make sure its some one you trust. good luck hun
2007-11-07 03:32:51 · answer #10 · answered by christine m 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋