Need help with my in laws?

Question

I've been telling my husband that my mother in law didn't like me for some reason for a while now. He said I was looking for reasons when I would say she was ignoring me and bating me with hurtful words out of his presence. Then finallyshe snapped one day and yelled I hate your sugar sweetness and I don't want your thanks and your appreciativeness! He had a front row seat and saw her true colors and stuck up for me right then. Well she felt bad and in front of him cried and hugged me but nothing has changed. when he is around she is nice but behind his back things are the same. Plus his sister told lies to the family saying she thinks I will cheat on him with her sisters husband! The lies finally caught up with her and noone believes her but his mom wants me and my husband to forgive her too! Help! All I do is forgive but these too are determined to ruin my family and I don't want my husband to disown his mom and sis. He says dont be nice and don't talk to them. but its worse too tense

Thank-you everyone for your replys. An intervention is not realistic at this point because they all know what they are doing, how it's affecting us, and that they are wrong. They just won't stop because thats who they are I guess. They can't find any good reason to attack me so they end up looking like fools but it stll hurts ya know? I know my husband feels terrible how I'm being treated and will walk away if I give him word but thats not the answer either. Thanks for lettin me vent I can't vent too much to him because he too is at a breaking point with them. I just hope they stop and realize they are hurting him more being caught in the middle like this. And I'm glad I have not told them off like I would if they weren't his family members!! haha

Answer 1

It sounds like you are being drained emotionally. I wouldn't change anything except to make sure that you have a 'lightning rod' (person to talk too) that you can rant too about the situation and get it off your chest occasionally. I'm encouraged to hear that you have stuck to the higher road despite all the resistance you have faced. I believe that your efforts will not go unrewarded! Stay the course and eventually things will change. If not, you have lost nothing and maintained your integrity. Tough road though.

Blessings and all the best!

Answer 2

I'm sorry you are in this extremely uncomfortable situation.

It is refreshing to hear that your husband has your back and is willing to defend you if necessary.

Clearly, the family has no legitimate reason for disliking you. It seems they conjure up these notions about you themselves. The reasoning? There could be a variety. Jealousy perhaps? Is he the only male (besides his father) in the family? This happens often when the son plays the only male role in the family. The women get protective of them and some may act the exact way his family is. They are trying to drive an outsider away.

My first instinct for advising you is to say: TALK TO THEM. However, I understand how this may not be possible. Some people are irrational and deny their actions through and through. It's always worth the try, though. If you never try, you'll never know what could have happened. Once you put in your best efforts, the scale of fault tips to them and you are cleared in a conscience sense.

Try sitting them all down at once with your husband. In a calm and constructive way, explain how you feel when they do certain things and what you wish for the family as a whole. Maybe they don't even realize they are treating you this way. If you bring everything out in the open, they may respect you more and you'll be calling them on all their bull ****. More importantly, you are standing up for yourself and your relationship with your husband.

Now... if this doesn't work (like I said, the possibility is strong), here's what I have to say: Everyone thinks because "family is family" we are obligated to be around them. Realistically speaking... if you can't find a way to get along with someone, it's always best to stay away. Send Christmas cards, birthday cards... keep them in the loop family-wise, but don't feel obligated to invite them over for holidays or other events.

It seems that your husband agrees with your not talking to them if necessary. It would be nice if everyone got along, but unfortunately... not every family is perfect. It's not the worst thing for your family. Your happiness and your marriage should be your only concern and by staying away from a hurtful and destructive (emotionally) family, you are guarding that fortress.

I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 3

In an ideal world, families and extended families are friends, and love and support each other. But, life is never perfect, and wishing it was doesn't make it so. You and your husband are married. NOTHING can mean more than that. NOTHING. NOTHING. I would renounce my family, end any friendship, or cut off my right arm- if that was what my marriage required. I'd leave any job, or move anywhere on earth for my wife. And, I KNOW she'd do the same. Your husband should end ALL contact with the family members that have tried to screw up your marriage. Either forever, or until by their actions, they demonstrate that they regret their actions, and want to be family, in the true meaning of the word. Hard, yes. But necessary.

Answer 4

I would tell the both of them that they cannot treat you like that and that you will no longer tolerate it. Do not tolerate it. Call them on it when they do it. If they cannot behave then I would stay away from them for a while. When they realize that you are not going to put up with it and that your husband is not going to put up with it they will stop. Do not be nice to them and do not forgive them. It is one thing to forgive someone for something done once. It is quite another to forgive them for something that they do over and over. I would also not be alone with the woman. You do not have to put up with people just because they are family. When this happened with my mother in law my husband and I had a talk with both of them and they were told that their crap would not be tolerated and if they kept it up they would not be a part of our lives. My mother in law hates all of us (5) so it is her and not us. Now she does it behind our backs but more power to her. Do not give an inch. Once you tell her stick to it. She will behave eventually. Good luck girl.

Answer 5

She's going through an adjustment stage. Just don't take it too much to heart. Let her go through her tantrums and eventually she'll move on. She might even me menapausal, for all you know.

Just continue to be nice the whole time, that way you always have the higher ground. And don't complain to your husband about it either; it's not going to do any good because he himself can't control it. So don't let it bother you.

Just be understanding and surly things will blow over. She is not going to destroy your relationship if you don't let her have that power. Don't give her the power to upset you either. Let it roll off like water on a ducks back.

I know this all sounds easy, well it IS. Just don't play into her misery. And if she "hates your sweetness" well, too bad! That's her problem.

Answer 6

If he won't stand up, then you are going to have too. The next time you have her alone...and make sure you are ALONE...don't chance being overheard....and she is bating you, just stand up...walk over to her...get right in her face..and in a very calm and quiet voice say this "Look B*itch...I have had about all of your F***ing mouth I can stand....Now you either shut the hell up and leave me the F**k alone or I will make sure you are NEVER welcome in this house again. And trust me B*tch...I can make it happen." And then go back to your sugary sweet self. If she starts accusing you of saying it, act really shocked and disturbed...maybe casually mention that you think she is demented and needs to be checked into your local mental institute.

Answer 7

With your husband present, both of you should tell her that you will no longer stand for her hatefulness and unless it stops you two will shorten your involvement with he and his sister unless it is resolved. You do not need to forgive a chronic trouble maker and tell her so. Your husband should stand behind you 100% if you have done nothing wrong.
This is from a mother- in- law.

Answer 8

That is honorable that he will walk away but not plausible. Trust me. My spouses parents have been popping in and out of his life as they wish all his adult life. One of them even in his childhood.

My MIL says things to me as well. He knows this. She is manipulative enough to state them as double entendres. Many of his ex gf had problems with her so he knew before marriage what was up.

My advice keep your interactions to a minmum. I actually do not talk to her unless there is a formal visit to our place or hers. Let the machine get the phone when she calls. Even if she baits you with ? etc. Make him call back and use him as the in between translator. At events/holiday dodge interactions as much as possible talk to neutral people. Always be eating, drinking, coughing , bathroom breaks you name it.
Funny they all have issues you talking to brother in law-so silly they don't realize you are not hot for him but he is the only sane, neutral party ally you've got.

Good luck vent anytime.

Answer 9

I would suggest getting them all in a room and confronting them with your hubby. Like an intervention- stop being so nice and confront the and say
"when the hell are you people going to get a life, a hobby- something TO KEEP YOU FROM MALISCIOUSLY TRYING TO ATTACK ME AND MY RELATIONSHIP??? iTS NOT SHOWING AN AWFUL LOT OF RESPECT FOR ME OR YOUR SON / BROTHER IS IT????"
Grow up people.
Thats seriously what I would do.

Answer 10

Hun, my mil pulls this same stuff with me and my hubby has stood up to her over it... if he wants to cut ties, that is HIS decision. Let him do what he feels he needs to do... after a while, the anger will start to go away and THEN that is where you come in and start encouraging him to talk to his mom again.... we are doing this exact same thing and it has been going on for 2 years with my inlaws and FINALLY in 2 weeks, they are coming to visit and make up.